SNL Transcripts: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: 05/15/04: The Swan


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 20

03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

The Swan

Amanda Byram…..Maya Rudolph
Vicki…..Mary-Kate Olsen
Dr. Lance Haggart…..Chris Parnell
Amber…..Amy Poehler
Reporter…..Rachel Dratch
Jasmine Ranseed…..Tina Fay
Dr. Simone…..Seth Meyers
Vicki’s Reflection…Ashley Olsen

[open on title and logo: “The Swan”]

Voice Over: In the most unique competition ever, two ordinary women compete for the ultimate prize. [dissolve to “before” pictures of Vicki and Amber] Who will go to the pageant? Who will go home? [dissolve to “The Swan” logo] Tonight on The Swan!

[dissolve to mansion with Amanda Byram entering through double doors, opened by men in tuxedos]

Amanda: Good evening. I’m Amanda Byram. I have an English accent. Tonight, we meet two women who are ready to change their lives. They have handed themsevles over to a team of plastic surgeons and gone through a brutal three month makeover, all for the chance to become beauty queens. Let’s see their before videos.

[dissolve to Vicki, who has very heavy eyebrows, a large nose, and other notably unattractive features, in a nondescript domestic setting] [title: “Vicki, 29 years old”]

Vicki: I was never a classic beauty. People always told me I was beautiful on the inside. But then I had some X-rays done, and my insides are butt ugly, too.

[dissolve to Dr. Lance Haggart in an office setting] [title: “Dr. Lance Haggart, Plastic Surgeon”]

Dr. Haggart: Vicki is what we doctors call, “fugly.” But I’m optimistic, and I have a plan. Basically, we’re gonna take some skin from her butt, and do some stuff.

[dissolve to blue screen where images of Vicki and schematics of procedures are displayed]

Amanda: Vicki’s Swan plan included an eyebrow shift, cheek flush, lip segmentation, tongue shave, finger wax, ear tuck, bobby pin removal, and seven inch femur implants. She was put on a diet of broth and diet coke, and underwent weekly training sessions where she was chased by a pack of dogs. Good luck, Vicki. Now, on to our next competitor.

[dissolve to Amber, who has one leg, standing in front of a wall] [title: “Amber, 29 years old”]

Amber: Yo, check me out. My name is Amber, and here’s how I do. I got nonstop hotness, hardcore learning disabilities, constant horniness, and I’m rockin’ one leg. Whoo! Yeah! I don’t know what they can do to me, ’cause this bird is already Swanned out! All I want is some medicine for my ringworm, and a cool-ass face tattoo. What-what?! [raises the roof] [dissolve to blue screen where images of Amber and schematics of procedures are displayed]

Amanda: Amber’s recommended Swan plan was leg augmentation, complete nasal rejuvenation, neck fat displacement, gum dying, removal of third nipple, nail fungus treatment, attitude adjustment, general cleaning, and a full head transplant.

[dissolve to Dr. Haggart]

Dr. Haggart: Amber was a very difficult patient to treat. She refused to do any cosmetic or dental surgery. Attempts were made to put her on a stricter diet, but we were limited because she suffers from Lyme Disease, hypoglycemia, and a flatulence problem that I suspect she can control.

[dissolve to mansion]

Amanda: Will Vicki and Amber be pleased with their new selves? Which one will continue on to the pageant? Am I made of wax? We’ll find out, right after this.

[dissolve to title and logo: “The Swan”] [dissolve to title and voice over: “Fox News”] [dissolve to reporter in news room]

Reporter: Nine area schoolchildren are molested to death while their teachers buy drugs from your dentist! HAAAAARGH! Toxic mold!

[dissolve to title and voice over: “Fox News”] [dissolve to title and logo: “The Swan”] [dissolve to mansion]

Amanda: Before we let Amber and Vicki see themselves for the first time in three months, Dr. Haggart, any final thoughts?

Dr. Haggart: I think you’ll find Vicki and Amber are more confident now. They’re independent women, standing on their own two feet, except for Amber, who refused any kind of prosthetic because she didn’t want to, quote, “slow down access to her lady parts.”

Amanda: Our fashion stylist, Jasmine Ranseed.

Jasmine Ranseed: I think they look beautiful.

Amanda: And our resident therapist, Dr. Simone. Any thoughts?

Dr. Simone: This is a…t-t-terrible, why am I here? This is a terrible, reprehensible show!

Amanda: Indeed. It has been three long months since these women have seen themselves in a mir-ror. Now it is the moment of truth. Please welcome the new Vicki.

[men in tuxedos open the double doors to admit Vicki, who is now beautiful and is wearing a glamorous red dress with evening gloves] [Vicki walks to the full-length mirror

Vicki: [gasps] Oh, my God! I can’t believe it! [touches her nose] Look at my nose! [grasps her breasts, turns to the side, lunges to the side, jumps up and down, falls forward sobbing, raises up and falls forward sobbing again, while all of this is mimicked by her reflection] [Vicki’s reflection produces a tissue from the bosom of her dress and gives it to Vicki]

Vicki: Thank you. [returns the tissue to her reflection, who tucks it away]

Amanda: And now, Amber. Amber, come on out.

[men in tuxedos open the double doors to admit Amber, who looks exactly like she did before except that she has a black spiderweb tattoo on her face]

Amber: Damn, I’m looking good. Who needs a swan? I’m a flamingo! [hops over to the mirror] Oooooh! This tattoo makes me horny! [she tongues the corner of her mouth]

Amanda: Amber, Vicki, you know only one of you can go on to the final Swan pageant.

Amber: You goin’ down, mon chi chi!

Amanda: Here, give me a hug. [she woodenly places her arms over Amber’s chest and Vicki’s face] Are you nervous?

Vicki: No, I know that whatever happens, I still get to keep these boobs.

Amanda: The judges have voted.

Amber: Good. I hope they did vote!

Amanda: And the winner is.

Amber: Good. I hope there is a winner!

Amanda: Please shut up.

Amber: Yeah, I will shut up.

Amanda: The winner is…Vicki.

Vicki: Oh, my God! I’m still so unhappy inside.

Amber: Who cares? I didn’t want to win, anyway. [hops and farts] Yeah, I farted. Jealous? [hops and farts]

Dr. Haggart: [to other specialists] I told you she could control it.

[Amanda and Vicki wave air away from their noses]

Amber: I’m audi, nerds! I’m going to go on Howard Stern and have a midget throw balogna at my ass! Suck it! [hops away, farting] [dissolve to title and logo: “The Swan”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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