Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 1
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
October 2nd, 2004
Ben Affleck
Nelly
None
Alec Baldwin
Jaheim
James Gandolfini
Presidential DebateSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) debate.
Recurring Characters: Jim Lehrer, President George W. Bush, John Kerry.
Transcript
Montage
Ben Affleck’s MonologueSummary: Alec Baldwin accuses Ben Affleck of stealing his moves.
First Hosted: 99m.
Transcript
Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner JuiceSummary: The juice that can keep men sexually-active for up to four hours.
Note: In repeats and rebroadcasts in other episodes, this commercial parody edits out the image of newcomer Rob Riggle sporting a huge erection underneath the bed sheets.
Transcript
Debbie DownerSummary: Melodramatic Debbie’s (Rachel Dratch) tales of woe ruins the festivities at a friend’s (Ben Affleck) birthday party.
Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.
Transcript
Swift Boat Veterans For TruthSummary: Members of John Kerry’s former military crew speak of his poor domestic history.
Transcript
Florida StopSummary: James Carville (Ben Affleck) and Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) try in vain to get John Kerry (Seth Meyers) to act more human.
Recurring Characters: John Kerry, James Carville, Bill Clinton.
Transcript
Nelly and Jaheim perform “My Place”Also Performed: 02f.
Bio: Jaheim (1978-). R&B singer.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: New Jersey Resident (James Gandolfini) comments on his state’s gay governor. Hollywood celebrity Ben Affleck comments about Matt Damon’s recent criticisms. Elton John (Horatio Sanz) is filled with hate.
Recurring Characters: Elton John.
Bio: James Gandolfini (1961-). Actor; portrayed crime boss Tony Soprano on HBO’s “The Sopranos”, 1999-2007.
Note: Amy Poehler takes over the anchor role vacated by Jimmy Fallon, exciting critics over the innovation of having two female anchors hosts the fake news segment.
Transcript
The EscalatorSummary: The old joke is acted out in the style of a disaster flick when an escalator loses power and panic breaks loose.
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Wedding DJSummary: An obnoxious disc jockey (Ben Affleck) disrupts a wedding reception.
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Nelly performs “We Can Leave Her”Also Performed: 11/16/02.
The FamilySummary: Alison Jackson’s film is a voyeuristic look at the Bush Family partying at Camp David.
GoodnightsTranscript
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Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Appalachian Police StationSummary: Members of the trailer trash community file police reports.
Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Tyler.
TV FunhouseSummary: The X-Presidents battle President George W. Bush with a little help from Ron Reagan, Jr. and the X X-Presidents.
Note: This cartoon will air on next week’s episode hosted by Queen Latifah.
Dan Rather ApologySummary: Dan Rather (Darrell Hammond) apologizes for his latest faux pas.
Recurring Characters: Dan Rather.
Posin’ with Paris HiltonSummary: Hosting a talk show, Paris Hilton (Maya Rudolph) and Nicole Richie (Rachel Dratch) chat with Nick Nolte (Ben Affleck) and Mose (Will Forte) from “Amish In The City”.
Recurring Characters: Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie.
The RecruitsSummary: Representatives from the NBA (Rob Riggle) and a respectable college (Ben Affleck) compete while courting a young basketball player (Finesse Mitchell).
Note: This sketch will air on next week’s episode hosted by Queen Latifah.
Dan Rather Apology IISummary: Dan Rather (Darrell Hammond) apologizes for the previous apology he made.
Recurring Characters: Dan Rather.
Short & CurlySummary: The shampoo men use to keep their pubic hairs clean and shiny.
Note: This commercial parody will air on next week’s episode hosted by Queen Latifah.
Community FocusSummary: Community members (Horatio Sanz, Rob Riggle, Amy Poehler, Ben Affleck) decide which issues they want to focus on.
Bollywood TonightSummary: Indian talk show hostess (Maya Rudolph) interviews fellow Indian actors (Horatio Sanz, Ben Affleck).
