SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 10/02/04: Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 1

04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice

Woman…..Amy Poehler
Man…..Rob Riggle

[open on a woman in a bedroom, dressed casually in what might be pajamas]

Woman: Are you ready to make the move to a strong and more lasting experience? Now you have a choice. If you’re already on an ED treatment, maybe it’s time for something new. Many ED specialists are recommending Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice [dissolve to title screen with flame background: “Dr. Porkenheimer’s (Boner Juice)”] for a stronger and more lasting experience. [dissolve to woman, shot widens to show that she is sitting on a bed, and a man joins her and places an arm affectionately around her shoulder] Bigger, and stronger. [chuckles] And more meaty. [dissolve to title screen with flame background: “MEATY”] [dissolve to woman] And there’s no rush to perform. [dissolve to a goldfish in a fishbowl] It’s boners when you feel right. [dissolve to woman] Giant ones. That are thick and sturdy. [dissolve to title screen with flame background: “THICK”, “STURDY”] [dissolve to woman] Ask your doctor about a thicker, heavier, longer sexual experience. It’s what Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice is all about.

[dissolve to a montage of scenes during disclaimer]

Narrator: [voice over] [woman is getting ready to leave when man beckons her to the bed] Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice is only for men healthy enough for sexual activity. [woman joins man on bed, and he kisses her hand] Do not take Boner Juice if you take nitrates for chest pains, [pan across bedroom while the bed bangs loudly on its springs] or alpha blockers for prostate problems or high blood pressure, [objects shake with the repeated impacts] as this may cause an unsafe drop in high blood pressure. [the hands of a clock race from 8 o’clock to 5 o’clock within seconds] If erection lasts less than four hours, [fishbowl shakes particularly violently] up the dosage by as much as you like. [a candle burns on a shelf] [dissolve to woman, now with bare shoulders and looking very disheveled]

Woman: My guy? Yeah, he’s happy with his boner. [shot widens to show that she is wrapped in the bedsheets, and the man is next to her with a very large erection tenting the sheet]

Narrator: In the rare case the erection should last more than twenty-four hours, call a friend and brag about it. Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice. [dissolve to title screen with flame background: “Dr. Porkenheimer’s (Boner Juice)”] [fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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