Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 1
Ben Affleck…..DJ Ranger
Fred Armisen…..Father Matachuck
Bride: I love you.
Groom: I love you.
DJ Ranger: What up? Hey there lovebirds I’m all set up over in my booth so when y’all ready DJ Ranger is gonna get this party started, alright y’all just holla back to me now.
DJ Ranger: Feel me.
Bride: Is this the DJ we decided on?
Groom: Yeah, he came with the ballroom.
Bride: Ok, well um I think we’re gonna say grace and then we’re gonna have dinner before the dancing and everything.
DJ Ranger: Alright, well believe me I know how all this goes, I’ve done literally mizzillions of wizzeddings, you know what I’m talking about.
Groom: wizzedding, what’s a wizzedding?
Bride: I’m not sure.
DJ Ranger: alright, hello ballroom B this is DJ Ranger and y’all are in danger, bads and the loudies are in the house tonight let me hear you!(pause for applause) Come on now you can do better than that let me here ya! (pause for applause) Alright its benediction time. Y’all ready top prizzay? Who’s your daddy? It’s Father Matachuck, check it out here it comes.
(Father comes in)
DJ Ranger: alright Father it’s time to bring it down on a real tip we’re gonna get serious with a prayer, alright break âem off father.
Father Matachuck: Dear Lord, let us pray.
(“Sister Christian” plays)
Father Matachuck: Father, please bless this beautiful young couple as they start their new lives together teach them patience and love for one another, and bless this food so it will nourish our bodies amen.
DJ Ranger: Woo! “Motoring,” there it is “What’s Your Price for Flight,” lalalala, let’s hear it for Father Matachuck, break him off, break him off, alright Father stay away from the kiddy tables alright, I’m just playing, I’m just playing. Alright, listen, the name of the game is suck and blow alright everybody at the table, y’all grab a napkin, right.
Groom: Hey, hey, hey.
DJ Ranger: Yo, what up?
Groom: Uh, look we kinda want this wedding to be more chill so maybe no games or shout outs, cool?
DJ Ranger: Alright, that’s cool.Â Alright sorry everybody looks like the bride and groom wanna leave suck and blow for the honeymoon, swizzle! Ok, I’m playing I’m playing. Yo seriously y’all, its time to toast yo. Let’s welcome the best man, Ashley’s little brother Brian. Yo, B-boy get up in this buu, give the speech, give the speech.
Brian: Thank you, what a wonderful day we’ve all had so far we’re all excited for the new Mrs. and Mr. Baird, nobody more so than Mom, whose looking down from heaven, uh.
(“Wild Thing” starts playing)
Brian: Mom would have been so proud of you today, Ashley and you look so beautiful in her wedding dress, you know if mom could be here today I know what she would say,(to DJ) can you cut it please, can you please cut this?
DJ Ranger: Alright.
Brian: Thank you, thank you very much, anyway uh Mom wrote a poem before she passed and she asked me to read on your wedding day so uh here it is: an angel is a smile that fate,
DJ Ranger: Uh-oh somebody just set off the booty alarm!
Brian: Dude, I’m trying to read a poem written by my dead mother.
DJ Ranger: I know but someone set off the booty alarm, yo!
Brian: Oh, forget it!
DJ Ranger: Alright, I can feel it’s time to get movin’ and groovin’, dancin’ for the first time as husband and wife to a song they selected Joel and Ashley Baird, hit it.
(“Who Let the Dogs Out” starts playing)
Bride: What? This isn’t our song!
DJ Ranger: Sure about that?
Bride: Yeah I’m sure, we wanted that Norah Jones song.
DJ Ranger: Norah Jones?
Bride: Yeah, we can’t dance to this, we need a slow song.
DJ Ranger: Alright, check it!
(DJ slows down the record, starts dancing suggestively behind the bride)
Bride: This is awful!
Groom: Honey, just ignore him; come on now sweetie, this is our wedding alright just look at me alright. We’re married, that’s all that matters, ok dude that’s enough.
Bride: I told you we should have gotten a band!
Groom: No you didn’t.
Bride: Yes I did.
Groom: Maybe in your head you did.
Bride: What’s that suppose to mean?
DJ Ranger: Oh, ladies and gentlemen, their first fight as a married couple! Can you feel it? Its electric boogie woogie woogie woogie woogie!
(Electric slide song starts playing, DJ starts dancing)
Bride: Oh my god!
Groom: Ashley, honey, sweetie, wait!
DJ Ranger: For this next song, I need all the bride’s friends to take off their bras!
Submitted by: NeuroticKitten21