Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 1
Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch
Ronnie’s Wife…..Maya Rudolph
Ronnie’s Uncle…..Horatio Sanz
Friend #1…..Amy Poehler
Friend #2…..Fred Armisen
(Scene first shows the door to a house. Cut to a living room, with people seated around a birthday cake. A banner in the background says “Happy 35th Ronnie!”)
All: Happy birthday to you!
Friend #1: Make a wish!
(Ronnie blows out the candles; everyone claps and yells “Yay!”)
Friend #2: What’d you wish for?
Ronnie: Can’t tell ya; it won’t come true!
Ronnie’s Wife: Oh, I bet he wished for that new Mustang GT he wants!
Ronnie’s Uncle: Yeah, he should have wished for a better golf score. Who said that? (everyone laughs)
Debbie Downer: If I had a wish, I’d wish they’d release the British hostage in Iraq.
(wah wahhhhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie’s pained demeanor)
“You’re enjoying your day
Everything’s going your way
Then along comes Debbie Downer
Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease
A car accident or killer bees
You’ll beg her to spare you
But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”
Friend #2: Oh! I want some cake!
Ronnie’s Wife: (hands friend cake) Oh, yeah, honey, give me a rose!
Ronnie: All right, here’s a big one. Here you go. Guys, I wanna say something. It really means the world to me that you all showed up here on my birthday…my family. *gestures to uncle* Uncle Frank, especially you, all the way from North Carolina. Thank you.
Debbie: (nods) Good thing Jeanne’s out of the picture.
Friend #1: Jeanne? Who’s Jeanne?
Debbie: Hurricane Jeanne. The latest in a string of deadly storms that left thousands of Floridians homeless. They’re still counting the fatalities in Haiti.
(wah wahhhhhhhh; camera zooms in on a particularly constipated Debbie face)
Ronnie’s Wife: Um…you know what? Maybe Ronnie should open his presents. (cheers from the other guests)
Friend #2: Yeah, open your presents!
Ronnie: Come on, twist my arm! I’ll do it.
Debbie: First it was Cha–
Friend #1: All right!
Debbie: First it was Charley…
Debbie: Then Frances.
Debbie: And Jeanne.
Debbie: Who knows what Tropical Storm Karl’s got in store?
(wah wahhhhhhhh; zoom in even further on Debbie’s face)
(pained expressions by other partygoers)
Friend #1: Okay! Why don’t you open mine first?
Ronnie: All-righty. Here we go. All right. (tears wrapping paper) Let’s see what we got here….Hey! The Essential Movie Guide! Thank you. I love it.
Debbie: Oh…I haven’t been able to read a movie review since the untimely passing of Gene Siskel.
(higher-pitched wah wahhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie again)
(Ronnie rests his face on one fist; his wife looks angry. Awkwardly, Uncle Frank reaches for his gift: a fishing rod)
Ronnie: Hey! What have we got here?
Ronnie’s Uncle: It’s mine, there, Ronnie.
Ronnie: All right. (shakes rod) Well…what could it be? (laughs) This is great! A fishing rod…thank you so much.
Ronnie’s Uncle: We gotta go fishing sometime, buddy.
Ronnie: You know…we should go Saturday!
Ronnie’s Wife: Oh, that sounds fun!
Ronnie: Wouldn’t that be fun?
Ronnie’s Uncle: Done deal.
(Ronnie and his uncle high-five)
Debbie: Hey, hey, hey, count me out, guys. Doctor said if I don’t cut down on my consumption of fresh fish, my mercury level will reach toxic proportions.
(wah wahhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie making an “unsure” facial expression)
Friend #2: Hey, Teresa, what’d you get your sweetie for his birthday?
Ronnie’s Wife: We are going on a ten-day safari to Kenya!
Ronnie: Yeah. It’s gonna be incredible.
Ronnie’s Wife: Yeah!
Debbie: Steer clear of The Sudan. It makes Fallujah look like Club Med.
(higher-pitched wah wahhhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie’s worried facial expression)
Ronnie: We’re not going anywhere near The Sudan, Debbie.
Ronnie’s Wife: Yeah. We’re going to see elephants in their natural habitat.
Debbie: Well, that’s cool. See ’em now…populations are dwindling.
(elephant wah wah sound; zoom in on Debbie)
Friend #2: Well, it sounds amazing!
Ronnie’s Uncle: Yeah, once in a lifetime.
Ronnie: Yeah, I’m excited.
Ronnie’s Wife: Yeah.
Debbie: Hey, does anyone have a banana?
Friend #1: What?
Debbie: Well, if I don’t get enough potassium every day, I awaken in the middle of the night by crippling leg cramps.
(higher-pitched wah wahhhhhhh; zoom in)
(everyone looks pissed off)
Debbie: By the way, it’s official — they’ve located my birth mother. Deceased.
(deeper wah wahhhhhhhh; zoom in on a particularly painful facial expression)
Ronnie: All right, you know what, Debbie? You are totally ruining my birthday party. I completely held my tongue during cocktails when you showed us the pictures from the Holocaust Museum…I didn’t say word one (slip-up) during dinner when you went on and on about feline AIDS.
Debbie: (shakes finger) It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.
(meow meowwwwwwwwww; zoom in)
Ronnie: (stands up) Ugh…I gotta get a drink.
Ronnie’s Wife: Honey, no! The party’s just starting. We are taking you dancing.
Friend #1: Yeah, let’s go! *everyone jumps up*
Debbie: Yeah! Yeah! All right, guys, but I can’t stay long; I got a big day tomorrow. The Orkin Man’s coming first thing to scrape out the remains of whatever died in my chimney.
(wah wah wah wah wahhhhhhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie’s half-grin)
(end title card)
Jingle: “No, you can’t stop Debbie Downer!” (wahhh wah)
Debbie: “Bird flu’s even deadlier than SARS.”
Submitted by: Mike Halterman