SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 10/02/04: Debbie Downer


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 1

04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

Debbie Downer

Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch
Ronnie…..Ben Affleck
Ronnie’s Wife…..Maya Rudolph
Ronnie’s Uncle…..Horatio Sanz
Friend #1…..Amy Poehler
Friend #2…..Fred Armisen

(Scene first shows the door to a house. Cut to a living room, with people seated around a birthday cake. A banner in the background says “Happy 35th Ronnie!”)

All: Happy birthday to you!

Friend #1: Make a wish!

(Ronnie blows out the candles; everyone claps and yells “Yay!”)

Friend #2: What’d you wish for?

Ronnie: Can’t tell ya; it won’t come true!

Ronnie’s Wife: Oh, I bet he wished for that new Mustang GT he wants!

Ronnie’s Uncle: Yeah, he should have wished for a better golf score. Who said that? (everyone laughs)

Debbie Downer: If I had a wish, I’d wish they’d release the British hostage in Iraq.

(wah wahhhhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie’s pained demeanor)

“You’re enjoying your day
Everything’s going your way
Then along comes Debbie Downer
Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease
A car accident or killer bees
You’ll beg her to spare you
Debbie, please!
But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

Friend #2: Oh! I want some cake!

Ronnie’s Wife: (hands friend cake) Oh, yeah, honey, give me a rose!

Ronnie: All right, here’s a big one. Here you go. Guys, I wanna say something. It really means the world to me that you all showed up here on my birthday…my family. *gestures to uncle* Uncle Frank, especially you, all the way from North Carolina. Thank you.

Debbie: (nods) Good thing Jeanne’s out of the picture.

Friend #1: Jeanne? Who’s Jeanne?

Debbie: Hurricane Jeanne. The latest in a string of deadly storms that left thousands of Floridians homeless. They’re still counting the fatalities in Haiti.

(wah wahhhhhhhh; camera zooms in on a particularly constipated Debbie face)

Ronnie’s Wife: Um…you know what? Maybe Ronnie should open his presents. (cheers from the other guests)

Friend #2: Yeah, open your presents!

Ronnie: Come on, twist my arm! I’ll do it.

Debbie: First it was Cha–

Friend #1: All right!

Debbie: First it was Charley…

(wah wah)

Debbie: Then Frances.

(wah wah)

Debbie: Ivan.

(wah wah)

Debbie: And Jeanne.

(wah wah)

Debbie: Who knows what Tropical Storm Karl’s got in store?

(wah wahhhhhhhh; zoom in even further on Debbie’s face)

(pained expressions by other partygoers)

Friend #1: Okay! Why don’t you open mine first?

Ronnie: All-righty. Here we go. All right. (tears wrapping paper) Let’s see what we got here….Hey! The Essential Movie Guide! Thank you. I love it.

Debbie: Oh…I haven’t been able to read a movie review since the untimely passing of Gene Siskel.

(higher-pitched wah wahhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie again)

(Ronnie rests his face on one fist; his wife looks angry. Awkwardly, Uncle Frank reaches for his gift: a fishing rod)

Ronnie: Hey! What have we got here?

Ronnie’s Uncle: It’s mine, there, Ronnie.

Ronnie: All right. (shakes rod) Well…what could it be? (laughs) This is great! A fishing rod…thank you so much.

Ronnie’s Uncle: We gotta go fishing sometime, buddy.

Ronnie: You know…we should go Saturday!

Ronnie’s Wife: Oh, that sounds fun!

Ronnie: Wouldn’t that be fun?

Ronnie’s Uncle: Done deal.

(Ronnie and his uncle high-five)

Debbie: Hey, hey, hey, count me out, guys. Doctor said if I don’t cut down on my consumption of fresh fish, my mercury level will reach toxic proportions.

(wah wahhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie making an “unsure” facial expression)

Friend #2: Hey, Teresa, what’d you get your sweetie for his birthday?

Ronnie’s Wife: We are going on a ten-day safari to Kenya!

Ronnie: Yeah. It’s gonna be incredible.

Ronnie’s Wife: Yeah!

Debbie: Steer clear of The Sudan. It makes Fallujah look like Club Med.

(higher-pitched wah wahhhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie’s worried facial expression)

Ronnie: We’re not going anywhere near The Sudan, Debbie.

Ronnie’s Wife: Yeah. We’re going to see elephants in their natural habitat.

Debbie: Well, that’s cool. See ’em now…populations are dwindling.

(elephant wah wah sound; zoom in on Debbie)

Friend #2: Well, it sounds amazing!

Ronnie’s Uncle: Yeah, once in a lifetime.

Ronnie: Yeah, I’m excited.

Ronnie’s Wife: Yeah.

Debbie: Hey, does anyone have a banana?

Friend #1: What?

Debbie: Well, if I don’t get enough potassium every day, I awaken in the middle of the night by crippling leg cramps.

(higher-pitched wah wahhhhhhh; zoom in)

(everyone looks pissed off)

Debbie: By the way, it’s official — they’ve located my birth mother. Deceased.

(deeper wah wahhhhhhhh; zoom in on a particularly painful facial expression)

Ronnie: All right, you know what, Debbie? You are totally ruining my birthday party. I completely held my tongue during cocktails when you showed us the pictures from the Holocaust Museum…I didn’t say word one (slip-up) during dinner when you went on and on about feline AIDS.

Debbie: (shakes finger) It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.

(meow meowwwwwwwwww; zoom in)

Ronnie: (stands up) Ugh…I gotta get a drink.

Ronnie’s Wife: Honey, no! The party’s just starting. We are taking you dancing.

Friend #1: Yeah, let’s go! *everyone jumps up*

Debbie: Yeah! Yeah! All right, guys, but I can’t stay long; I got a big day tomorrow. The Orkin Man’s coming first thing to scrape out the remains of whatever died in my chimney.

(wah wah wah wah wahhhhhhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie’s half-grin)

(end title card)

Jingle: “No, you can’t stop Debbie Downer!” (wahhh wah)

Debbie: “Bird flu’s even deadlier than SARS.”

Submitted by: Mike Halterman

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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