SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 10/02/04: The Escalator

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 1

04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

The Escalator

Soccer Mom #1…..Rachel Dratch
Soccer Mom #2…..Amy Poehler
Young Man…..Ben Affleck
Business Man…..Chris Parnell
Hospital Employee…..Horatio Sanz
Maria…..Maya Rudolph
Fireman #1…..Will Forte
Fireman #2…..Rob Riggle

[open on exterior of a shopping mall with title: “Woodfield Mall, Schaumburgh, Illinois”] [dissolve to interior, with six people standing on a descending elevator while pleasant muzak plays]

Soccer Mom #1: You know, I want to stop by Nine West on the way out.

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, yeah, they’re having a great sale this week.

Soccer Mom #1: I could really use some new mules.

Soccer Mom #2: That would be great.

[escalator stops moving and muzak stops]

Soccer Mom #1: Oh, my God. What’s going on?

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, the escalator stopped.

Young Man: All right, everybody just calm down.

Business Man: Excuse me, but what’s going on.

Young Man: We’re stuck between floors.

Hospital Employee: Isn’t there a button we can press, or something?

Soccer Mom #2: Don’t worry everybody; I have my cell phone. I’ll just call–Damn it! I’m not getting any cell phone reception!

Soccer Mom #1: Oh, my God! We’re trapped!

[dramatic music plays]

Young Man: All right. Just relax, everybody. I’m sure someone’s notice the elevator stopped, and we’ll be moving in no time.

Maria: ¿Qué es el problema?

Business Man: The problem? Ah, we’re suck.

Maria: ¿Qué?

Business Man: Oh, great. Does anybody here speak Spanish?

Hospital Employee: Look, we can’t be stuck. [holds up a cooler] I gotta get this kidney to the hospital in twenty minutes!

Business Man: And I’ve got a huge business presentation that my job depends on, so how about that?!

Soccer Mom #2: I have children that depend on me!

[all shouting]

Soccer Mom #1: I can’t breathe! [Young Man walks carefully down to just below the two soccer moms] I can’t breathe!

Young Man: Lady, calm down! Calm down! [slaps Soccer Mom #1] [Young Man shouts in frustration, startling everybody] [Maria cries out in pain, clutching her stomach, and we can see that she is pregnant]

Hospital Employee: Hey, guys, I think this lady’s going into labor!

Business Man: Help! Can anyone hear me?!

[all shouting for help]

Young Man: Look, screaming isn’t going to do us any good. Does anyone have a rope or a grappling hook?

Maria: ¡Mi bebé está viniendo ahora! ¡Ahora!

Soccer Mom #1: Would somebody shut her up?! Shut up! Just shut up!

Young Man: Quiet! [slaps Soccer Mom #1]

Business Man: I’ve been taking the stairs for fifteen years! “Save a little time. Take the escalator.” Idiot! Idiot!

Hospital Employee: Oh, boy, this kidney isn’t looking so hot. I hope Senator Williams can hold on for three more hours.

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, my God. I’m so scared.

Young Man: Don’t be scared. I’m going to get you out of here, I promise.

Soccer Mom #2: You promise? [puts her hand on Young Man’s cheek]

Young Man: Cross my heart and hope to–

Soccer Mom #2: [puts her hand on Young Man’s mouth] Shhhhh, don’t say it. Just show it.

[Young Man and Soccer Mom #2 kiss] [the escalator jars suddenly, and everybody shouts]

Business Man: Okay, I have to get out of here, now!

Hospital Employee: I’m gonna be in trouble. Why was I shopping with this thing, anyway?

Business Man: Who cares about your damn kidney?!

Soccer Mom #1: Shut up! Everybody just shut up!

Young Man: Damn it! [slaps Soccer Mom #1]

Business Man: That’s it! I’m getting out of here!

Young Man: No, everyone stay put!

Business Man: Why? So we can watch each other die?! Forget it! Forget you! See you later, suckers! [jumps off the side of the escalator] [all shouting]

Soccer Mom #1: Nooooo!!!!!

Young Man: That was stupid, stupid, stupid.

[Maria cries out in pain]

Hospital Employee: Oh, no! Something’s poking out down there!

[Maria’s breathing is strained]

Hospital Employee: Just breathe. Just breathe. In and out.

Young Man: All right, I’m going up there.

Soccer Mom #2: Sweetheart, be careful.

Young Man: I’ll be fine. You just take care of you.

Soccer Mom #2: I love you.

Young Man: I love you. [turns towards the top of the escalator] All right. [struggles to climb to where Maria is standing]

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, God. Be careful.

Hospital Employee: Are you a doctor?

Young Man: I am now. ¿Cómo te llama?

Maria: Maria.

Young Man: Maria, hola. ¿Cómo estas?

Maria: ¿Muy bien, gracias, y tu?

Young Man: Muy bien, muy bien. [speaks additionally in Spanish]

Maria: Okay.

[Young man says one word in Spanish, and Maria begins pushing and grunting loudly]

Young Man: Push! Push! Come on Maria! [lifts up the baby]

Hospital Employee: It’s a boy! A baby boy!

Pilot: [voice from above] Hello! Can anyone hear me?!

[all shouting]

Soccer Mom #1: We’re stuck down here! Hurry, please! Augh!

Pilot: [voice from above] Don’t worry, we’re sending someone down to get you out of there.

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, thank God!

[a rope is thrown down from above, and Fireman #1 descends into frame]

Fireman #1: Did anyone call for a rescue? [the rope suddenly catches] Oh, God, no! [he falls]

Young Man: Is that the best you can do?! Is that the best you can do?! Come and get me, God! I’m here!

Soccer Mom #1: We’re all gonna die!

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, shut up! [backhands Soccer Mom #1] Wait a minute! Look! [points towards the bottom of the escalator] Oh!

Fireman #2: [walking upwards from below] I found a way out. You’re all gonna be safe. Just follow me.

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, thank God. Thank God. Everybody, quickly, quickly.

[Fireman #2 takes Soccer Mom #1’s hand and escorts her down, followed by Maria and Hospital Employee, who begins to drop his cooler]

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, watch out for the–watch out for the kidney.

[dramatic music turns into a romantic melody]

Young Man: What are you doing for the next forty-five years of your life?

Soccer Mom #2: I’m married.

Young Man: Oh. What are you doing for the next four to five minutes of your life?

Soccer Mom #2: Having sex with you in the back seat of my Honda Odyssey.

Young Man: I had a feeling. Come on! [picks up Soccer Mom #2 and carries her, piggyback, down the escalator] [Music out: “Morning After” by Maureen McGovern (from “The Poseiden Adventure”)] [title: “The End”] [fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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