SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 10/02/04: The Escalator


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 1

04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

The Escalator

Soccer Mom #1…..Rachel Dratch
Soccer Mom #2…..Amy Poehler
Young Man…..Ben Affleck
Business Man…..Chris Parnell
Hospital Employee…..Horatio Sanz
Maria…..Maya Rudolph
Fireman #1…..Will Forte
Fireman #2…..Rob Riggle

[open on exterior of a shopping mall with title: “Woodfield Mall, Schaumburgh, Illinois”] [dissolve to interior, with six people standing on a descending elevator while pleasant muzak plays]

Soccer Mom #1: You know, I want to stop by Nine West on the way out.

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, yeah, they’re having a great sale this week.

Soccer Mom #1: I could really use some new mules.

Soccer Mom #2: That would be great.

[escalator stops moving and muzak stops]

Soccer Mom #1: Oh, my God. What’s going on?

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, the escalator stopped.

Young Man: All right, everybody just calm down.

Business Man: Excuse me, but what’s going on.

Young Man: We’re stuck between floors.

Hospital Employee: Isn’t there a button we can press, or something?

Soccer Mom #2: Don’t worry everybody; I have my cell phone. I’ll just call–Damn it! I’m not getting any cell phone reception!

Soccer Mom #1: Oh, my God! We’re trapped!

[dramatic music plays]

Young Man: All right. Just relax, everybody. I’m sure someone’s notice the elevator stopped, and we’ll be moving in no time.

Maria: ¿Qué es el problema?

Business Man: The problem? Ah, we’re suck.

Maria: ¿Qué?

Business Man: Oh, great. Does anybody here speak Spanish?

Hospital Employee: Look, we can’t be stuck. [holds up a cooler] I gotta get this kidney to the hospital in twenty minutes!

Business Man: And I’ve got a huge business presentation that my job depends on, so how about that?!

Soccer Mom #2: I have children that depend on me!

[all shouting]

Soccer Mom #1: I can’t breathe! [Young Man walks carefully down to just below the two soccer moms] I can’t breathe!

Young Man: Lady, calm down! Calm down! [slaps Soccer Mom #1] [Young Man shouts in frustration, startling everybody] [Maria cries out in pain, clutching her stomach, and we can see that she is pregnant]

Hospital Employee: Hey, guys, I think this lady’s going into labor!

Business Man: Help! Can anyone hear me?!

[all shouting for help]

Young Man: Look, screaming isn’t going to do us any good. Does anyone have a rope or a grappling hook?

Maria: ¡Mi bebé está viniendo ahora! ¡Ahora!

Soccer Mom #1: Would somebody shut her up?! Shut up! Just shut up!

Young Man: Quiet! [slaps Soccer Mom #1]

Business Man: I’ve been taking the stairs for fifteen years! “Save a little time. Take the escalator.” Idiot! Idiot!

Hospital Employee: Oh, boy, this kidney isn’t looking so hot. I hope Senator Williams can hold on for three more hours.

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, my God. I’m so scared.

Young Man: Don’t be scared. I’m going to get you out of here, I promise.

Soccer Mom #2: You promise? [puts her hand on Young Man’s cheek]

Young Man: Cross my heart and hope to–

Soccer Mom #2: [puts her hand on Young Man’s mouth] Shhhhh, don’t say it. Just show it.

[Young Man and Soccer Mom #2 kiss] [the escalator jars suddenly, and everybody shouts]

Business Man: Okay, I have to get out of here, now!

Hospital Employee: I’m gonna be in trouble. Why was I shopping with this thing, anyway?

Business Man: Who cares about your damn kidney?!

Soccer Mom #1: Shut up! Everybody just shut up!

Young Man: Damn it! [slaps Soccer Mom #1]

Business Man: That’s it! I’m getting out of here!

Young Man: No, everyone stay put!

Business Man: Why? So we can watch each other die?! Forget it! Forget you! See you later, suckers! [jumps off the side of the escalator] [all shouting]

Soccer Mom #1: Nooooo!!!!!

Young Man: That was stupid, stupid, stupid.

[Maria cries out in pain]

Hospital Employee: Oh, no! Something’s poking out down there!

[Maria’s breathing is strained]

Hospital Employee: Just breathe. Just breathe. In and out.

Young Man: All right, I’m going up there.

Soccer Mom #2: Sweetheart, be careful.

Young Man: I’ll be fine. You just take care of you.

Soccer Mom #2: I love you.

Young Man: I love you. [turns towards the top of the escalator] All right. [struggles to climb to where Maria is standing]

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, God. Be careful.

Hospital Employee: Are you a doctor?

Young Man: I am now. ¿Cómo te llama?

Maria: Maria.

Young Man: Maria, hola. ¿Cómo estas?

Maria: ¿Muy bien, gracias, y tu?

Young Man: Muy bien, muy bien. [speaks additionally in Spanish]

Maria: Okay.

[Young man says one word in Spanish, and Maria begins pushing and grunting loudly]

Young Man: Push! Push! Come on Maria! [lifts up the baby]

Hospital Employee: It’s a boy! A baby boy!

Pilot: [voice from above] Hello! Can anyone hear me?!

[all shouting]

Soccer Mom #1: We’re stuck down here! Hurry, please! Augh!

Pilot: [voice from above] Don’t worry, we’re sending someone down to get you out of there.

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, thank God!

[a rope is thrown down from above, and Fireman #1 descends into frame]

Fireman #1: Did anyone call for a rescue? [the rope suddenly catches] Oh, God, no! [he falls]

Young Man: Is that the best you can do?! Is that the best you can do?! Come and get me, God! I’m here!

Soccer Mom #1: We’re all gonna die!

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, shut up! [backhands Soccer Mom #1] Wait a minute! Look! [points towards the bottom of the escalator] Oh!

Fireman #2: [walking upwards from below] I found a way out. You’re all gonna be safe. Just follow me.

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, thank God. Thank God. Everybody, quickly, quickly.

[Fireman #2 takes Soccer Mom #1’s hand and escorts her down, followed by Maria and Hospital Employee, who begins to drop his cooler]

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, watch out for the–watch out for the kidney.

[dramatic music turns into a romantic melody]

Young Man: What are you doing for the next forty-five years of your life?

Soccer Mom #2: I’m married.

Young Man: Oh. What are you doing for the next four to five minutes of your life?

Soccer Mom #2: Having sex with you in the back seat of my Honda Odyssey.

Young Man: I had a feeling. Come on! [picks up Soccer Mom #2 and carries her, piggyback, down the escalator] [Music out: “Morning After” by Maureen McGovern (from “The Poseiden Adventure”)] [title: “The End”] [fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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