Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 1
John Kerry…..Seth Meyers
Teresa Heintz-Kerry…..Maya Rudolph
James Carville…..Ben Affleck
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on exterior, Florida hotel, night ]
[ SUPER: “Kerry Campaign Stop, South Florida” ]
John Kerry V/O: So, in conclusion, let me restate my position.
[ dissolve to interior hotel room, John Kerry on the phone with Room Service, as his wife, Teresa Heintz-Kerry, sits, watching hopefully ]
John Kerry: I would like to order one B.L.T. and one Caeser salad, with two place settings and a third napkin. I’m John Kerry, and I approved that order. [ hangs up ] Well, Theresa, wasn’t I wonderful in the debate?
Teresa Heintz-Kerry: John.. the election is in thirty-one days.. and we need to make them love you.. the way they love you. Teresa.. Heintz.. Kerry. [ stands to sing ] “Getting to knoooooowwww yoooouu.. getting to know all abooooouut yoooouuu!”
[ James Carville barges into the room ]
James Carville: Aw, now, cut out that singing there, Teresa!
John Kerry: James Carville!
James Carville: That’s right, that’s right. Teresa, we got voters out there, and you sound crazier than a tomcat in a bag of squirrels! We can’t have that now.
Teresa Heintz-Kerry: James, you are the best! [ rubs Carville’s bald head ] Come on!
John Kerry: So, tell us, James – are you here to congratulate me on my debate performance, or is your visit serendipitous?
James Carville: Serendipitous? John, you use to many words! Don’t get too excited! Now, you beat George Bush in a talkin’ contest, that’s like Wilt Chamberlain playing basketball against Stephen Hawking and beatin’ him by two points! The man can’t talk, John!
Teresa Heintz-Kerry: [ enthusiastically ] Ooh! This is exciting! I’m so glad we’re running for President! [ her enthusiasm unreturned, she shrinks into the background ]
James Carville: John.. [ sighs ] We gotta get your more tough, you know what I’m sayin’? We gotta get you more.. more Republican! Give you some edge, you know? They say you a flip-flopper! What you say back?
John Kerry: Well, I’d try to explain that my voting record has many nuances —
James Carville: [ interrupting ] Whoa, ah, I just fell asleep! And when I woke up, you lost the whole election right there! now.. now, try this. You call me a flip-flopper!
John Kerry: You’re a flip-flopper.
Teresa Heintz-Kerry: No, I’m not! Next question!
John Kerry: Now, James, I am gaining in the polls.
James Carville: Yeah, you did good, but you gotta do better! Your advisors tell you to be more human, what do ya’ do? You go wind surfing. You want to be more human, you got to do people things! Play baseball, drive a car, use a telephone. We got wind blowin’ down people’s homes in Florida, and what John Kerry doin’ with that wind? He’s surfin’ on it, havin’ a grand ol’ time!
John Kerry: Now, now. that’s not entirely fair.
James Carville: Hey, hey, Democrats always want fair! I told ya’, we gotta get more Republican! Dick Chenrey goes on TV, says that if people vote for you, we gonna get hit by terrorists. Let me tell you what I would do if Dick Cheney said something like that about me? alright? I’d go to his house in the wintertime, fill his basement with water, kick in all the windows, let it freeze solid like a rock! Alright? Then the ice expands, his whole house a-crumble down around him, I’d just be sittin’ up there on a hill laughin’ at him: “Ha ha, look at you, Dick Cheney! Lookit!” What you do about it, John Kerry? Nothin’!
John Kerry: Now, just a moment —
James Carville: And another thing – please, God almighty, if you go the Pottery Barn, it’s not “You break it, you fix it.” Why the hell you say that? Have you ever been to a Pottery Barn?!
John Kerry: No, no, I’ve never been there.
James Carville: Of course not!
[ a knock sounds on the hotel room door ]
John Kerry: [ happily ] Ahhhh, our sustanance has arrived!
James Carville: It’s room service, John! Use the small words!
[ the door opens, and former President Bill Clinton, dressed in a Hawaiian flower shirt, enters pushing a room service cart ]
Bill Clinton: [ looking off-screen ] I’ve got it from here, Consuela! Stay sweet! [ enters the room ] Carville, we gotta wrap this up. I want to get back down to that swimming pool.
John Kerry: Bill, I thought you were recuperating?
Bill Clinton: Look, I couldn’t sit around in some hosiptal bed, when there’s so much to be done.
John Kerry: Bill, I don’t need any more campaign advice.
Bill Clinton: Campaign? That’s not why I’m here! I’m in Florida because these hurricanes have put a lot of trailer park ladies on the street. [ nods his head ] And the only thing better than a trailer park girl.. is one.. that.. is.. desperate! And, one that is wet. [ moves close to Teresa ] What’s up, buttercup?
John Kerry: Hey, hey, watch it, Bill! That’s my wife you’re talking to!
[ John and Teresa begin to caress one another, in a way best described by James Carville: ]
James Carville: Oh, now. Lord have mercy, John. Watchin’ you two show affection’s like watchin’ two lobsters in a kung fu movie.
Bill Clinton: I.. [ chuckles ] I agree!
James Carville: I thought you might.
Bill Clinton: [ moves closer to Teresa again ] Teresa Heintz, you are a firecracker. I can think of 57 varieties of things I’d like to do to you!
John Kerry: Bill!
Bill Clinton: And I would do it with relish.
John Kerry: Bill, I am begging you!
Bill Clinton: You can run, Teresa.. but I’ll catch up! [ laughs out loud at his own joke ] You know, I know that was bad, James, but it felt so damn good!
James Carville: [ laughs ] That was hilarious. But now’s not the time laughin’ and goofin’ around and all. [ to John Kerry ] Zell Miller says you give the troops spitballs to defend themselves. And what did you do? Nothin’. You know what I would do?
John Kerry: You’d fill his basement with water.
James Carville: No, no, no! See, now, I already did that, they’d know it was me! Alright? I’d go to Zell Miller’s house, when he’s not there. And I’d steal everything but his camera and a toothbrush. A couple of weeks later, he goes to pick up his pictures at the Photomat, you know what happens? [ zestfully ] I jump out from behind a tree and hit him with a baseball bat! That’s right, make him think twice about goin’ after Jimmy Carville there!
Bill Clinton: I have only one thing to say: Trust.. this.. man. Now, John.. if I can give you one piece of advice from my life in politics, one thing I could change, it is this: ditch the wife. [ turns toward the door ] Come on, Carville – grab the cart.
James Carville: You got it, Mr. President.
[ Clinton exits the hotel room, as Carville pushes the cart out the door ]
[ fade ]