SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 10/02/04: Ben Affleck’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 1

04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

Ben Affleck’s Monologue

…..Ben Affleck
…..Alec Baldwin

Ben Affleck: Alright, thank you, thank you! Thank you very much! In case you’re wondering, you’re not watching a repeat. Yes, I did host just five minutes ago. Yes, I do have a new movie coming out. And, yes, the Yankees and the Red Sox are in the Play-Offs, once again. So, uh, maybe it is a repeat.[ audience cheers ]But, uh, yeah.. things are going pretty good – thanks for telepathically asking. Life is good. Um.. you know.. life is good, what can I tell ya’?

Off-Screen Voice: Yeah, yeah! Life is good, my friend!

Ben Affleck: [ glances stage left ] What’s that, sir? did you say something?

Off-Screen Voice: Yeah, I said your life is good! Real good!

[ audience screams with excitement as Alec Baldwin – the voice’s identity – appears on the stage with Affleck ]

Alec Baldwin: I should know how good your life is, because I’ve lived it once before!

Ben Affleck: Alec Baldwin, ladies and gentlemen. [ audience screams again ] Thank you for coming tonight. It’s very kind of you to show up and watch the show.

Alec Baldwin: Yeah, I didn’t come here to watch the show! I came here to ask you a question!

Ben Affleck: Okay, well.. what’s up?

Alec Baldwin: Why are you stealing my moves?

Ben Affleck: [ confused ] Come again?

Alec Baldwin: You heard me, punk! You’re stealing all my moves!

Ben Affleck: Yeah, I.. really don’t know what you’re talking about..

Alec Baldwin: [ chuckles ] Oh, come o-o-o-on! Hosting SNL all the time, public break-ups with famous women, fighting with the paparazzi, showing up at the Democratic National Convention? These are my moves, Ben!

Ben Affleck: [ dramatically ] They’re not.. moves.. to me, Alec. They’re just the.. slow-motion train wreck I like to call my life.

Alec Baldwin: [ getting to the point ] Did they call you about “Cat in the Hat 2”?

Ben Affleck: What?! No, that’s crazy!

Alec Baldwin: Is it crazy? They called you to play Jack Ryan, didn’t they?

Ben Affleck: Yeah, but that was different. You said you didn’t want to do it any more. You quit, you went and did Broadway.

Alec Baldwin: I wanted more money, so I told them to go screw themselves! I call that my Irish Negotiating Technique.

Ben Affleck: [ laughs ] That’s good, I’ll have to remember that one!

Alec Baldwin: Yeah, don’t jerk me around, Gigli! [ after brief audience applause, leans in and gets serious again ] Did they call you about “Cat in the Hat 2”? ‘Cause they haven’t called me yet!

Ben Affleck: No, Alec!

Alec Baldwin: Look me in the EYE!

Ben Affleck: [ finally surrenders ] Okay, fine! [ Alec grimaces at the defeat ] They offered me your part in “Cat in the Hat 2”! But I’m not gonna do it, okay!

Alec Baldwin: I wouldn’t wish it on you anyway. Mike Myers will suck your soul out, and complain how bad it tastes! [ huge audience applause ] Where you living, New York?

Ben Affleck: L.A.

Alec Baldwin: Keep in that way! How many times you hosted this show?

Ben Affleck: Three. How about you?

Alec Baldwin: Nine times, Popeye! [ flexes his muscles triumphantly ] You, uh, hit on Amy Poehler yet?

Ben Affleck: Yeah, I —

Alec Baldwin: Did she turn you down?

Ben Affleck: Yeah —

Alec Baldwin: Of course, she did! She’s a very classy woman! How many times you been nominated for an Oscar?

Ben Affleck: I have an Oscar.

Alec Baldwin: [ winces in defeat ] I forgot that.. shi-! Alright, good for you. I’ll just give you one word of advice: don’t get too comfortable. Me and Goodman are constantly circling the building every five minutes. You understand?

Ben Affleck: I do. Yes, sir.

Alec Baldwin: Alright, good! [ addresses the audience ] We’ve got a great show – Nelly’s here, everybody! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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