Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 1
Ben Affleck’s Monologue
Ben Affleck: Alright, thank you, thank you! Thank you very much! In case you’re wondering, you’re not watching a repeat. Yes, I did host just five minutes ago. Yes, I do have a new movie coming out. And, yes, the Yankees and the Red Sox are in the Play-Offs, once again. So, uh, maybe it is a repeat.[ audience cheers ]But, uh, yeah.. things are going pretty good – thanks for telepathically asking. Life is good. Um.. you know.. life is good, what can I tell ya’?
Off-Screen Voice: Yeah, yeah! Life is good, my friend!
Ben Affleck: [ glances stage left ] What’s that, sir? did you say something?
Off-Screen Voice: Yeah, I said your life is good! Real good!
[ audience screams with excitement as Alec Baldwin – the voice’s identity – appears on the stage with Affleck ]
Alec Baldwin: I should know how good your life is, because I’ve lived it once before!
Ben Affleck: Alec Baldwin, ladies and gentlemen. [ audience screams again ] Thank you for coming tonight. It’s very kind of you to show up and watch the show.
Alec Baldwin: Yeah, I didn’t come here to watch the show! I came here to ask you a question!
Ben Affleck: Okay, well.. what’s up?
Alec Baldwin: Why are you stealing my moves?
Ben Affleck: [ confused ] Come again?
Alec Baldwin: You heard me, punk! You’re stealing all my moves!
Ben Affleck: Yeah, I.. really don’t know what you’re talking about..
Alec Baldwin: [ chuckles ] Oh, come o-o-o-on! Hosting SNL all the time, public break-ups with famous women, fighting with the paparazzi, showing up at the Democratic National Convention? These are my moves, Ben!
Ben Affleck: [ dramatically ] They’re not.. moves.. to me, Alec. They’re just the.. slow-motion train wreck I like to call my life.
Alec Baldwin: [ getting to the point ] Did they call you about “Cat in the Hat 2”?
Ben Affleck: What?! No, that’s crazy!
Alec Baldwin: Is it crazy? They called you to play Jack Ryan, didn’t they?
Ben Affleck: Yeah, but that was different. You said you didn’t want to do it any more. You quit, you went and did Broadway.
Alec Baldwin: I wanted more money, so I told them to go screw themselves! I call that my Irish Negotiating Technique.
Ben Affleck: [ laughs ] That’s good, I’ll have to remember that one!
Alec Baldwin: Yeah, don’t jerk me around, Gigli! [ after brief audience applause, leans in and gets serious again ] Did they call you about “Cat in the Hat 2”? ‘Cause they haven’t called me yet!
Ben Affleck: No, Alec!
Alec Baldwin: Look me in the EYE!
Ben Affleck: [ finally surrenders ] Okay, fine! [ Alec grimaces at the defeat ] They offered me your part in “Cat in the Hat 2”! But I’m not gonna do it, okay!
Alec Baldwin: I wouldn’t wish it on you anyway. Mike Myers will suck your soul out, and complain how bad it tastes! [ huge audience applause ] Where you living, New York?
Ben Affleck: L.A.
Alec Baldwin: Keep in that way! How many times you hosted this show?
Ben Affleck: Three. How about you?
Alec Baldwin: Nine times, Popeye! [ flexes his muscles triumphantly ] You, uh, hit on Amy Poehler yet?
Ben Affleck: Yeah, I —
Alec Baldwin: Did she turn you down?
Ben Affleck: Yeah —
Alec Baldwin: Of course, she did! She’s a very classy woman! How many times you been nominated for an Oscar?
Ben Affleck: I have an Oscar.
Alec Baldwin: [ winces in defeat ] I forgot that.. shi-! Alright, good for you. I’ll just give you one word of advice: don’t get too comfortable. Me and Goodman are constantly circling the building every five minutes. You understand?
Ben Affleck: I do. Yes, sir.
Alec Baldwin: Alright, good! [ addresses the audience ] We’ve got a great show – Nelly’s here, everybody! So stick around, we’ll be right back!