SNL Transcripts: Queen Latifah: 10/09/04



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 2


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 9th, 2004

Queen Latifah

Queen Latifah

None

Chris Kattan

John Lutz

Paula Pell
Decision ’04: The Presidential DebatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) conduct their most recent debate at a town hall forum.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, John Kerry.

Montage

Queen Latifah’s MonologueSummary: Queen Latifah conducts a jazz performance with The Scat Cats (Horatio Sanz, Maya Rudolph, Fred Armisen, Will Forte).

First Hosted: 02n.

Short & CurlySummary: The shampoo men use to keep their pubic hairs clean and shiny.

Note: This commercial parody was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.

Transcript

The Prince ShowSummary: Eccentric Prince (Fred Armisen) welcomes Patti LaBelle (Queen Latifah) as his guest, then makes her sit on a horse.

Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce, Sharon Stone.

ExcedrinSummary: Excedrin helps black office secretary, Linda (Queen Latifah), get rid of stress caused by racial tension headaches.

Transcript

Decision 2004: The Vice-Presidential DebateSummary: Gwen Ifill (Queen Latifah) moderates debate between Vice-Presidential nominees Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) and John Kerry (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney, John Edwards.

Queen Latifah performs “The Same Love That Made Me Laugh”

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Live, via satellite, Martha Stewart (Rachel Dratch) reports that she’s enjoying life in prison; she even has a cellmate named Kenyatta Williams (Queen Latifah), who adores her. Finesse Mitchell comments that he’s against young black mothers giving their babies weird names.

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.

Transcript

The RecruitsSummary: Representatives from the NBA (Rob Riggle) and a respectable college (Seth Meyers) compete while courting a young basketball player (Finesse Mitchell).

Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.

TV FunhouseSummary: The X-Presidents battle President George W. Bush with a little help from Ron Reagan, Jr. and the X X-Presidents.

Note: This cartoon parody was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.

Dangerfield TributeSummary: Rodney Dangerfield (Darrell Hammond) performs stand-up one last time at St. Peter’s (Horatio Sanz) request.

Recurring Characters: Rodney Dangerfield, St. Peter.

Note: Rodney Dangerfield hosted SNL on 03/08/80.

Transcript

Vote Or Die!Summary: Starkeesha (Finesse Mitchell) and her friends canvas votes in their neighborhood.

Recurring Characters: Starkeesha, Appreciante.

Queen Latifah performs “Hard Times”

Zinger vs. SnapSummary: Nuclear physicists Dave Clinger (Seth Meyers) and Sheila “Snaps” Alsnape (Queen Latifah) compete via verbal wordplay.

Recurring Characters: Dave Clinger.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Dyson ToiletsSummary: The only toilet with enough vacuum power to flush down ravioli.

Note: This commercial parody will air on the episode hosted by Jude Law.

Mexican FiestaSummary: Pitchman (Fred Armisen) promotes a Mexican spice that turns taco eaters into offensive Mexican stereotypes.

The Oak RoomSummary: Alcoholic Miss Charli Coffee (Maya Rudolph) experiences pratfalls while performing awkwardly onstage.

Note: This sketch will later air on the episode hosted by Tom Brady.

KaitlinSummary: Hyper Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) invites another friend (Queen Latifah) over for a sleepover.

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.

WheelchairSummary: In a short film, a man (Scott Wainio) in a wheelchair feels sorry for himself.

Starting OverSummary: Daytime talks show spoof.

RooftopSummary: Rooftop jumper (Fred Armisen) threatens to kill himself unless people start being nice to him; then he sings to thank them for their kindness.

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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