Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 2
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
October 9th, 2004
Queen Latifah
Queen Latifah
None
Chris Kattan
John Lutz
Paula Pell
Decision ’04: The Presidential DebatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) conduct their most recent debate at a town hall forum.
Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, John Kerry.
Montage
Queen Latifah’s MonologueSummary: Queen Latifah conducts a jazz performance with The Scat Cats (Horatio Sanz, Maya Rudolph, Fred Armisen, Will Forte).
First Hosted: 02n.
Short & CurlySummary: The shampoo men use to keep their pubic hairs clean and shiny.
Note: This commercial parody was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.
Transcript
The Prince ShowSummary: Eccentric Prince (Fred Armisen) welcomes Patti LaBelle (Queen Latifah) as his guest, then makes her sit on a horse.
Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce, Sharon Stone.
ExcedrinSummary: Excedrin helps black office secretary, Linda (Queen Latifah), get rid of stress caused by racial tension headaches.
Transcript
Decision 2004: The Vice-Presidential DebateSummary: Gwen Ifill (Queen Latifah) moderates debate between Vice-Presidential nominees Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) and John Kerry (Will Forte).
Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney, John Edwards.
Queen Latifah performs “The Same Love That Made Me Laugh”
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Live, via satellite, Martha Stewart (Rachel Dratch) reports that she’s enjoying life in prison; she even has a cellmate named Kenyatta Williams (Queen Latifah), who adores her. Finesse Mitchell comments that he’s against young black mothers giving their babies weird names.
Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.
Transcript
The RecruitsSummary: Representatives from the NBA (Rob Riggle) and a respectable college (Seth Meyers) compete while courting a young basketball player (Finesse Mitchell).
Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.
TV FunhouseSummary: The X-Presidents battle President George W. Bush with a little help from Ron Reagan, Jr. and the X X-Presidents.
Note: This cartoon parody was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.
Dangerfield TributeSummary: Rodney Dangerfield (Darrell Hammond) performs stand-up one last time at St. Peter’s (Horatio Sanz) request.
Recurring Characters: Rodney Dangerfield, St. Peter.
Note: Rodney Dangerfield hosted SNL on 03/08/80.
Transcript
Vote Or Die!Summary: Starkeesha (Finesse Mitchell) and her friends canvas votes in their neighborhood.
Recurring Characters: Starkeesha, Appreciante.
Queen Latifah performs “Hard Times”
Zinger vs. SnapSummary: Nuclear physicists Dave Clinger (Seth Meyers) and Sheila “Snaps” Alsnape (Queen Latifah) compete via verbal wordplay.
Recurring Characters: Dave Clinger.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
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Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Dyson ToiletsSummary: The only toilet with enough vacuum power to flush down ravioli.
Note: This commercial parody will air on the episode hosted by Jude Law.
Mexican FiestaSummary: Pitchman (Fred Armisen) promotes a Mexican spice that turns taco eaters into offensive Mexican stereotypes.
The Oak RoomSummary: Alcoholic Miss Charli Coffee (Maya Rudolph) experiences pratfalls while performing awkwardly onstage.
Note: This sketch will later air on the episode hosted by Tom Brady.
KaitlinSummary: Hyper Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) invites another friend (Queen Latifah) over for a sleepover.
Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.
WheelchairSummary: In a short film, a man (Scott Wainio) in a wheelchair feels sorry for himself.
Starting OverSummary: Daytime talks show spoof.
RooftopSummary: Rooftop jumper (Fred Armisen) threatens to kill himself unless people start being nice to him; then he sings to thank them for their kindness.
