SNL Transcripts: Queen Latifah: 10/09/04: Dangerfield Tribute


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 2

04b: Queen Latifah

Dangerfield Tribute

St. Peter…..Horatio Sanz
Rodney Dangerfield…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on the Pearly Gates of Heaven, St. Peter standing at the podium as Rodney Dangerfield attempts to walk past ]

St. Peter: Can I have your name?

[ Dangerfield stops in front of a microphone ]

Rodney Dangerfield: Rodney. Rodney Dangerfield, alright? I’ll tell ya’, what a cloud! What a cloud, okay?

St. Peter: Can you tell me, uh.. how was your childhood?

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, I tell ya’, I had a rough childhood, alright? When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot – but I always found ’em. I’ll tell ya’, I got no respect as a kid. I worked in a pet store; people kept asking how big I would get!

St. Peter: Did you have any pets?

Rodney Dangerfield: I had a dog. Apparently, his favorite bone was in my arm!

St. Peter: How was your luck with the ladies?

Rodney Dangerfield: I had no luck with women, alright? I went to my doctor; you know my doctor – Dr. Bid a Boom Ba. Yeah, I told him I think my wife has VD, he gave himself a penicillin shot!

St. Peter: Were you married?

Rodney Dangerfield: Yeah, but I haven’t spoken to my wife in years – I didn’t want to interrupt her!

St. Peter: Was she a good cook?

Rodney Dangerfield: She can’t cook! She’s the worst cook in the world, alright? The other night, she fixed alphabet soup – it spelled out “Help!” Are you kidding? What a lousy cook! I mena, how can toast have bones?

St. Peter: Was your wife an intelligent woman?

Rodney Dangerfield: Are you kidding? My wife’s not smart, you know? She used to reach inside her bra to count to two.

St. Peter: Rodney, how was your sex life?

Rodney Dangerfield: I got no sex life! The only time my wife makes love to me, there’s always a reason for it! Now, one night she used me to time an egg. I’ll tell ya’, that’s the story of my life – I get no respect! I get no respect at all, alright? So, whattaya say, St. Peter, do I get in or what?

St. Peter: Of course, you do.

Rodney Dangerfield: Then, what’s with all the questions?

St. Peter: [ solemnly ] I just wanted to hear those jokes one more time.

Rodney Dangerfield: Finally! A little respect!

St. Peter: Come on in.

[ Dangerfield enters through the gates, angelic harmony rises ] [ dissolve to stand-up image of Rodney Dangerfield with the inscription: “We’ll miss you. Rodney Dangerfield 1921-2004” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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