Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 2
St. Peter…..Horatio Sanz
Rodney Dangerfield…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on the Pearly Gates of Heaven, St. Peter standing at the podium as Rodney Dangerfield attempts to walk past ]
St. Peter: Can I have your name?
[ Dangerfield stops in front of a microphone ]
Rodney Dangerfield: Rodney. Rodney Dangerfield, alright? I’ll tell ya’, what a cloud! What a cloud, okay?
St. Peter: Can you tell me, uh.. how was your childhood?
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, I tell ya’, I had a rough childhood, alright? When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot – but I always found ’em. I’ll tell ya’, I got no respect as a kid. I worked in a pet store; people kept asking how big I would get!
St. Peter: Did you have any pets?
Rodney Dangerfield: I had a dog. Apparently, his favorite bone was in my arm!
St. Peter: How was your luck with the ladies?
Rodney Dangerfield: I had no luck with women, alright? I went to my doctor; you know my doctor – Dr. Bid a Boom Ba. Yeah, I told him I think my wife has VD, he gave himself a penicillin shot!
St. Peter: Were you married?
Rodney Dangerfield: Yeah, but I haven’t spoken to my wife in years – I didn’t want to interrupt her!
St. Peter: Was she a good cook?
Rodney Dangerfield: She can’t cook! She’s the worst cook in the world, alright? The other night, she fixed alphabet soup – it spelled out “Help!” Are you kidding? What a lousy cook! I mena, how can toast have bones?
St. Peter: Was your wife an intelligent woman?
Rodney Dangerfield: Are you kidding? My wife’s not smart, you know? She used to reach inside her bra to count to two.
St. Peter: Rodney, how was your sex life?
Rodney Dangerfield: I got no sex life! The only time my wife makes love to me, there’s always a reason for it! Now, one night she used me to time an egg. I’ll tell ya’, that’s the story of my life – I get no respect! I get no respect at all, alright? So, whattaya say, St. Peter, do I get in or what?
St. Peter: Of course, you do.
Rodney Dangerfield: Then, what’s with all the questions?
St. Peter: [ solemnly ] I just wanted to hear those jokes one more time.
Rodney Dangerfield: Finally! A little respect!
St. Peter: Come on in.
[ Dangerfield enters through the gates, angelic harmony rises ]
[ dissolve to stand-up image of Rodney Dangerfield with the inscription: “We’ll miss you. Rodney Dangerfield 1921-2004” ]
[ fade ]