Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 2
Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
Martha Stewart…Rachel Dratch
Kenyatta Williams…Queen Latifah
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
Tina Fey: Hi I’m Tina Fey
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories.
Tina Fey: Last night in St. Louis, President Bush and Senator Kerry squared off in the second of three presidential debates. This time, the candidates took questions directly from the audience, and then said whatever the hell they were going to say anyway.
Amy Poehler: After being criticized for sulking and grimacing from the first debate, last night, President Bush employed a much subtler way to express his distaste for some of Kerry’s comments: Morse code. (clip of Bush blinking rapidly)
Amy, voice-over: Beep, beep, beep beep! Carl Rowe, Carl Rowe, get me out of here!
Tina Fey: President bush did however show that if he loses the election he can always go back to being a law professor.
(clip from debate)
Bush: The Constitution Of the United States says we’re all–you know–it-it doesn’t say that.
(back to weekend update desk)
Tina Fey: In one of the strongest attacks of the night, John Kerry ridiculed the President’s Environmental Clear Skies Initiative.
(cut to clip of debate)
Kerry: The Clear Skies bill that he talked about, it’s just one of those Orwellian names you pull out of the sky, slap in on to something like No Child Left Behind, but you leave millions of children–
(cut back to Tina)
Tina Fey: No, no, no, John. You lost us at “Orwellian”.
Amy Poehler: Kerry further separated himself from the audience by later mentioning that he, President Bush, and Moderator Charlie Gibson were the only people in the room rich enough to benefit from a Bush tax cut, prompting this (photo of woman) woman to jump out of the audience and yell, “Bitch, you don’t know my Life!”And that concludes our Presidential Debate Roundup.
Tina Fey: When Martha Stewart reported to prison yesterday, she was subjected to an invasive strip search, that included a squat-and-cough (audience laughs) during which she laid two perfect blue speckled eggs.
Amy Poehler: And here now, live, via satellite from day two of her prison term, is Martha Stewart.
Martha Stewart: (monotone voice) Hello Amy, How are you?
Amy Poehler: Uh, I’m fine Martha, how are you? What’s it like down there at Camp Cupcake?
Martha Stewart: Amy, I have to be honest. It. Is. Awesome. I’ve made more friends in the past twenty four hours in prison, than I did in all my life.
(Prisoner enters and peers at camera while smoking cigarette)
Amy Poehler: Martha, Martha, who is that behind you?
Martha Stewart: Oh, Amy, that’s my cell mate, Kenyatta Williams, who goes by the name “Death Giver.”
Amy Poehler: Did you get a prison name, Martha?
Martha Stewart: Yes, I have several.
Kenyatta: Yo, the girls call her Martha, but I call her Blair, portly because of the “Blair Witch Project” and portly because she all fancy, like Blair from Facts Of Life. (hugs her head)
Tina Fey: Martha, Martha, is that a teardrop tattoo on your face?
Martha Stewart: Yes, Tina, it is a teardrop tattoo. It’s a very funny story. I woke up this morning to find that it had been burned on to my skin overnight, thereby initiating me into the prison gang.
Amy Poehler: You know, Tina, I thought prison gang initiation required killing someone.
Martha Stewart: Yes. (audience laughter)
Kenyatta: Yeah, now ain’t nobody gonna stort with Martha, cross my hort!
(Kenyatta keeps on hugging her)
Martha Stewart: (chuckles) I haven’t had this much human contact since I was an infant.
Amy Poehler: Wow. Martha Stewart and Death Giver, everybody. We’ll see you in five months, Martha.
Tina Fey: A CBS news poll of the vice presidential debate feels that 51% feel that John Edwards won, 28% felt that Dick Cheny won, and the remaining 21% feel that the black lady won. (graphic: Gwen Ifill)Jennifer Aniston and Helen Hunt have taped public service announcements urging single women to vote. In a Weekend Update exclusive, we have obtained scripts to these spots.
Amy Poehler: “Hi, I’m Jennifer Aniston.”
Tina Fey: “And I’m Academy Award-winner Helen Hunt.”
Amy Poehler: “And we are here to remind you single women to not leave to voting booth as empty as your womb.”
Tina Fey: “Even if you are currently alone, there is one box you can stuff– the ballot box.”
Amy Poehler: “So remember ladies: Vote or die – alone.” (putting down scripts) That went great.
Tina Fey: Yeah.
Amy Poehler: One of the topics discussed during the debate was Afghanistan’s first free election, which was held today. As expected, The winner by a landslide was chaos. Utter chaos.
Britney Spears is recording a rap song about the recent controversies in her life. “I can’t wait to hear that!” said no one.
Tina Fey: Howard Stern announced Wednesday that when his contract is up in 15 months that he will join Sirius satellite radio in a deal reportedly worth a hundred million dollars. Now the question is: Will Americans pay $13 a month to hear a bunch of guys throw bologna at a stripper’s ass? (looks offstage) What’s that? Yes, they will.
Amy Poehler: The New York Times reported this week that citizens of Denmark have begun to challenge the country’s strict law on personal names. A law that allows the government to veto any name a parent chooses for their child. Here to comment, our own Finesse Mitchell.
Finesse Mitchell: Hey… how’s it goin’? Thank you, Amy, thank you. Citizens of Denmark, here me when I tell you: Do. Not. Change. That. Law. In fact, I think it’s time that our own government recognizes that some women need some serious help naming’ their babies here in the United States. Especially young black women. I’m speaking up for all the Laquayquay’s and Calamari’s of the world. Now don’t get me wrong, white women give their babies jacked up names too, like Romer, Frances-Bean and, Apple! But those are rich, famous people kids. they’ll never have no Kinko’s manager telling them Jermekalalisha isn’t gonna fit on a name tag, so they’re just gonna call her Jerky for short. That’s not gonna happen. Now, see the real problem is that I think that a lot of single black mothers will be mad at they baby’s daddy, and then take that out on the Child’s name. Like I know a girl named Mistakealina. And I dated a girl named Condombuster. I couldn’t even say her name in church! this stuff has to stop. Now, take my name. Now, Finesse was cute when I was four years old, but my career options were limited. It was either rapper or hairdresser. And it seems, the younger the mother, the more messed up the name! My mother had me when she was fifteen years old, and we never got along when we were growing up. I’ll tell you that. Every Saturday morning, we would fight over who got the remote control, she liked the Super friends; I liked The Smurfs. I remember sitting’ at the kitchen table with my homework, and she’s on the other side doin’ her homework; I couldn’t help her, she couldn’t help me, and neither of us could go outside until we were finished. I went to four high school proms, two were hers because she couldn’t find a baby sitter, two were mine. But that’s okay, because that’s at that last prom where my daughter was received. Hey, Promisha!
Amy Poehler: Finesse Mitchell, everyone!
Tina Fey: A man who had a heart attack while he was alone in his house was saved when his dog brought him the phone so he could call for help. However, it should be noted that for every one of these heartwarming stories there’s a million others where the dog just sits there like a moron and watches you die. (muttered) Dogs.
Amy Poehler: Stupid dogs.
On Thursday, more than 7,000 sites took place across the country in National Depression Screening Day, which screens the public for depression related illnesses. A spokesman for the group said, “I don’t know…uh.. turnout was okay, I mean I guess… just wasn’t as great as I thought…but, you know… it was a stupid idea anyway…so… I guess I’m just gonna go back to bed….”
Tina Fey: The newest trend among students at Brigham Young University are T-shirts that read, “I Can’t. I’m Mormon.” Which have been countered with T-shirts reading, “You Will. I’m Kobe.”
Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update” I’m Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Submitted by: Zim Ezumah