Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 2
Zinger vs. Snap
Head Scientist…..Chris Parnell
Dave “Zinger” Clinger…..Seth Myers
Sheila “Snaps” Alsnape…..Queen Latifah
Scientist 1 (Roz)…..Rachel Dratch
Head Scientist: Okay, everyone, listen up. We’ve got a code blue irrigation malfunction in reactor four. As of now, it has been contained, but we are risking a full-scale meltdown in the next five minutes if we don’t locate the leak.
Dave “Zinger” Clinger: Bad news, I couldn’t locate the leak, but I did locate the geek. You just got zinged. (Mimed shooting “zing” guns.) Zing!
Head Scientist: I think you all know Dr. Dave Clinger, otherwise know as Dr. Dave Zinger.
Zinger: Clinger’s my name and Zinging is my game. Seriously, though, let’s find some hazardous material. Speaking of which, if that cologne was any more toxic, all our kids are going to be born retarded. Huge zing! Can you hold that for me? (Mimes handing the head scientist a board, punches it karate-style and bows.) Zing!
Head Scientist: Please listen. If this radiation leak is not contained, everyone in a fifty-mile radius will experience their hair falling out, teeth falling out, skin blistering.
Sheila “Snaps” Alsnape: Let me see if I’ve got this right: hair falling out, teeth falling out, and skin blistering. Were you talking about the meltdown, or were you describing your girlfriend? Oh, snap!
Head Scientist: Allow me to introduce the final member of our team, Dr. Sheila Alsnape.
Snaps: My friends call me Sheila Al-snap on account of my snaps.
Zinger: Hello, Snaps.
Snaps: Hello, Zinger.
Head Scientist: Do you two know each other?
Zinger: Snaps and I went to school together – nuclear school. I finished at the top of the class. She finished on top of the class. (Mimes marching band with “zing” cymbals.)
Snaps: Yeah, yeah right. Good one, Zinger. Look, we should just get to work. Okay?
Head Scientist: My goodness, Zinger, you’re completely irradiated.
Snaps: Oh, hold on, false alarm. This was my virgin detector. (Mimes snapping a huge rubber band.) Aah, snap!
Zinger: What can I say, Snaps, you still got it. And by it, I mean hair on your butt. (Mimes guitar playing “Wild Zing.”)
Head Scientist: Yeah. We got it. Wild Zing.
Snaps: At least I got hair, Zinger. You’re so hairless Michael Jackson still invites you to sleepovers. Ooh, that one was so good I got to start my Snap Mobile! (Mimes a hard start of her snap mobile.)
Head Scientist: Doctors, please! The core reactor temperature is redlining. There isn’t time. That’s why I respectfully request that you hold a best three-out-of-five zing-slash-snap-off to determine a champion.
Zinger: He’s right. He’s right. We need to do something. If we don’t this radiation will spread faster than your thighs at a frat party. Zing pong anyone? (Zinger and Snaps mime playing pingpong.) Yeah! Game! Set! Match! Zing!
Snaps: Alright, look Zings, let’s just finish this fast. And from what I hear, nobody finishes faster than you. Aah! Mousetrap. (Miming setting a mouse trap) Cheese. Mouse, mouse, mouse. Aah, snap!
Scientist 1: Doctors I’m getting an alarmingly high Geiger reading of 120.
Head Scientist: Will you shut up, Roz! Can’t you see the zing-off is tied one-to-one!
Snaps: Hey Zinger, she’s getting a 120. Isn’t that what you got on your SAT’s? Oh, baby, it’s cold outside. Put on a coat. (Mimes putting a coat on Zinger and then snapping it.)
Zinger: SATs, hunh, well the only SAT’s I know about, listen to this one, Roz, you’re going to like it. The only SATs I know about is when your mama S-A-T on my F-A-C-E.
Snaps: (Punches Zinger in the face.) Don’t you ever talk about my mama.
Zinger: That was not cool on my part! I was way out of line! I am sorry! I am sorry! But to be fair, we were just joking around.
Head Scientist: Okay everybody, cool out. Now we’ll get to the meltdown in a minute. But first, I need to know where you two stand.
Zinger: Are we cool?
Snaps: Yeah, we’re cool.
Zinger: Alright, so we can call it a tie?
Snaps: Yeah, it’s a tie. Your face is exactly as ugly as your ass!
Snaps: Aah snap!
Zinger: No! That is not fair! I should have done something!
Submitted by: Greg Kyte