Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 3
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
October 23rd, 2004
Jude Law
Ashlee Simpson
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HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) discusses the Kerry campaign with smiling Ed Gillespie (Seth Meyers) and hothead Zell Miller (Will Forte).
Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Zell Miller.
Transcript
Montage
Jude Law’s MonologueSummary: Female cast members fawn over Jude Law with a song.
Bio: Jude Law (1972-). Actor; named for the Beatles song “Hey Jude”; among the six films he appeared in this year are “Alfie”, “I ♥ Huckabees”, and “Closer”.
Transcript
Green ScreenSummary: In a parody of “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow”, an actor (Jude Law) struggles with the task of performing an entire movie in front of a green screen.
Dyson ToiletSummary: The only toilet with enough vacuum power to flush down ravioli.
Note: This commercial parody was cut from the last episode’s dress rehearsal.
Transcript
The Presidential DebatesSummary: Now in their ninth debate, President George W. Bush (Will Forte) and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) repeat the themes they’ve already covered in previous debates.
Recurring Characters: Jim Lehrer, President George W. Bush, John Kerry.
Paris Hilton ApologizesSummary: Paris Hilton (Maya Rudolph) and sister Nicky (Jude Law) apologize for their recent use of the N-word.
Recurring Characters: Paris Hilton.
Transcript
Ashlee Simpson performs “Pieces Of Me”Bio: Ashlee Simpson (1984-). Singer/actress; younger sister of pop star Jessica Simpson; appeared regularly on “7th Heaven”.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: The Ghost of Babe Ruth (Horatio Sanz) and his hooker (Rachel Dratch) comment on the Red Sox curse.
Recurring Characters: Babe Ruth.
Transcript
Bush and BlairSummary: President Bush (Will Forte) and Prime Minister Tony Blair (Jude Law) hold a press conference.
Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Tony Blair.
“The Apprentice” PromoSummary: Dracula-garbed Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) records a promo for “The Apprentice.”
Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.
Transcript
Jane EyreSummary: Classic literature comes to life as Jane Eyre (Rachel Dratch) watches helplessly as her employer, Mr. Rochester (Jude Law), sneaks off to the attic for sex.
Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of last season’s Colin Firth episode.
Ashlee Simpson attempts to perform “Autobiography”Note: Oops! Ashlee Simpson is caught red-handed for lip-synching when her earlier recorded performance is accidentally replayed. Flustered, she performs a “hoedown” before getting the hell off the stage as quickly as she can.
Bear CitySummary: The adventures of a post-meteor Earth populated by bears is documented this week by an automobile collision involving two bear drivers.
The Adventures of Peter OToole & Michael CaineSummary: Peter OToole (Jude Law) and Michael Caine (Seth Meyers) will have a drink together anywhere — even if they’re not quite sure where it is they’re at.
Recurring Characters: Michael Caine, Peter O’Toole.
Transcript
Bear CitySummary: When a bear is caught mimicking his boss, he’s promptly fired.
GoodnightsTranscript
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Dress Rehearsal Cuts
GreyhoundSummary: First-time bus riders (Jude Law, Amy Poehler) deal with crazy people during a layover.
TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s cartoon, President Bush invents a de-gaying machine, which he haphazardly demonstrates on celebrities.
Note: This cartoon will later air in the episode hosted by Luke Wilson.
Cool PoliceSummary: Members of the Cool Police (Jude Law, Fred Armisen, Amy Poehler) legally dictate what’s cool and what’s not.
Merv the PervSummary: Merv (Chris Parnell) and his cousin (Jude Law) hit on women at the office Halloween party.
Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.
Note: This sketch will later air as a Christmas party on the episode hosted by Colin Farrell.
