SNL Transcripts: Jude Law: 10/23/04: The Adventures of Peter O’Toole & Michael Caine



SNL Transcripts: Jude Law: 10/23/04: The Adventures of Peter O’Toole & Michael Caine

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 3

04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

The Adventures of Peter O’Toole & Michael Caine

Peter O’Toole…..Jude Law
Michael Caine…..Seth Meyers
Brett…..Rob Riggle
Employee…..Rachel Dratch
Gary…..Kenan Thompson

[Title graphic appears as announcer speaks.]

Announcer: And now it is time once again for “The Adventures of PeterO’Toole and Michael Caine.”

[A fast food restaurant, night. A drunken Peter O’Toole and an equallydrunken Michael Caine enter in tuxedos, carrying martinis. Peter alsocarries a cigarette in a holder.]

Peter O’Toole: Hello!

Michael Caine: Hello!

Peter O’Toole: Hello!

Michael Caine: Hello!

Peter O’Toole: Hello, everyone!

Michael Caine: How are you, then?

Peter O’Toole: Hello!

Michael Caine: Good to see you!

Peter O’Toole: Hello!

Michael Caine: Coming through!

Peter O’Toole: Coming through! Hello!

Michael Caine: Hello!

Peter O’Toole: Hello, everyone!

Michael Caine: Hello!

Peter O’Toole: Michael, I have one question for you: Where in God’s name are we?

Michael Caine: Well, let’s figure it out: a group of people…a TacoBell/Pizza Hut Express sign…and we’re wearing tuxedos. We must behosting a talk show.

Peter O’Toole: Excellent!

[They sit at a table and address the camera.]

Michael Caine: Hello, I’m Michael Caine.

Peter O’Toole: And I’m Peter O’Toole.

Michael Caine: And you’re watching “An Evening with Peter andMichael.” Please enjoy our combined 200 years of acting excellence.

Peter O’Toole: This man has been in over 300 films: “Hannah and Her Sisters”…

Michael Caine: Yes.

Peter O’Toole: …”Ipcress File”…

Michael Caine: Yes.

Peter O’Toole: …”Star Wars”…

Michael Caine: No.

Peter O’Toole: …”Garfield”…

Michael Caine: No.

Peter O’Toole: …”The Jigsaw Man”…

Michael Caine: Yes.

Peter O’Toole: …Sir Penny Marshall’s “A League of Their Own”…

Michael Caine: Absolutely not.

Peter O’Toole: …and the first season of “NYPD Blue.”

Michael Caine: David Caruso.

Peter O’Toole: And I have been told by many people that I am still making films.

[A customer at the next table gets up and walks behind Peter and Michael.]

Brett: Hey, can I grab a napkin there, Chief?

Peter O’Toole: Oh, wonderful, we have a caller! What is your name,and where are you from?

Brett: My name’s Brett, I’m from, uh…I’m from behind you. Look, I’mjust going to grab one of these napkins. [He does so and returns tohis table.]

Peter O’Toole: Thank you for your call! And remember, everyone, thenumber is 8…1…3…hundred…6.

Michael Caine: We would now like to pause for a word from our sponsor.

[Twelve-second pause. Peter smokes, Michael drinks.]

Michael Caine: Thank you, Walker’s Crisps!

Peter O’Toole: Britain’s best crisps since 1455…7…2.

Michael Caine: It is now time for a segment on our show we like tocall “Guess the Accents.”

Peter O’Toole: [clears throat, then speaks in his normal voice]”Hello, sir, I am here about the telegram.”

Michael Caine: Italian.

Peter O’Toole: Correct.

Michael Caine: [speaks in his normal voice] “Hey, you. You over there.I’m talking to you. I’m going to tell you something about how to treata woman.”

Peter O’Toole: German.

Michael Caine: Correct.

[An employee approaches the table.]

Employee: Do you guys need me to call someone for you?

Michael Caine: You’re in the shot, love.

[She leaves.]

Peter O’Toole: Michael, I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that we arenot hosting a talk show.

Michael Caine: I think you’re right. We must be teaching an acting workshop.

[They stand.]

Peter O’Toole: The key to acting is knowing what your character wants.

[Gary, a customer, walks by with a tray of food.]

Peter O’Toole: Othello!

Michael Caine: Hey!

Gary: Yo, dude, my name is not Othello.

Peter O’Toole: It was Wolverhampton Rep, the year was 1973. I playedIago, and you were marvelous!

Gary: Look, crazy dudes, I just want to eat my chicken soft taco in peace.

Michael Caine: You’ve told me what you want, but now make me believe it!

Gary: [frustrated] LEAVE ME ALONE!

Michael Caine: Now you are an actor.

[Michael and Peter put their drinks down and applaud Gary. They allsit down. The employee returns.]

Employee: Excuse me, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

Peter O’Toole: Dear lady, where the hell are we?

Employee: At a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut Express.

Michael Caine: In that case, I would like a chalupa.

Peter O’Toole: And I would like your finest Gin Lover’s Pizza.

Employee: We don’t…we don’t have any gin.

[Peter and Michael stand.]

Michael Caine: That’s all the time we have.

Peter O’Toole: We’d like to thank our sponsors, Walker’s Crisps and the planet Mercury.

b>Michael Caine: Can anyone here direct us to the nearest gentlemen’s club?

[Gary stands.]

Gary: Uh, actually, uh…I know I’m going to regret this, but I’m headed to one right now.

b>Peter O’Toole: Othello!

Gary: Look, man, my name is Gary, you know what I’m saying? But wegotta get going, because after ten o’clock it’s a twenty dollar cover.

Peter O’Toole: Twenty dollars? Then we’d best hurry, for we arewithout money and have been so for ages! Exeunt!

[Peter moves toward the door, as Michael picks up a napkin dispenserand puts his hand on Gary’s shoulder]

Michael Caine: So, is this your first time in Kingsbridge?

Gary: Uh…dude, you’re in Detroit.

Michael Caine: That’s what you get for letting O’Toole drive.

[Michael staggers off as the title graphic reappears.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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