Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 3
04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson
Dyson Toilet
James Dyson….Fred Armisen
[Opens with the trendy inventor with gray hair in a lab. He has a strong English accent.]
James Dyson: Hello there. I’m James Dyson. Inventor of the Dyson Vacuum….the first vacuum that doesn’t use suction.
[Cut to the yellow vacuum with a transparent, plastic, dust bag. Signature is written beside the toilet. James Dyson]
And now I’ve applied the same technology to another household necessity, the common toilet. You see, I was visiting a friend one weekend and after taking a particularly difficult Sunday-morning squat on what I thought was a pretty good commode,…
[Cut to James, pants around his ankles, taking a dump]
I was amazed by the lousy suction.
[Cut to James flushing, he is intrigued by the flush]
I realized there must be something terribly wrong with this design.
[Cut to James wearing protection glasses with his face in the toilet bowl making an examination]
I took the toilet apart and discovered the problem.
[James puts his hand deep in the toilet bowl]
A small amount of my discard was hopelessly clogged.
[James back in the lab]
So I decided to design something better. And a few thousand prototypes later I had it….the Dyson Toilet.
[The toilet is exactly like the vacuum but with a toilet bowl attached to it]
The first toilet that doesn’t use suction.
[Cut to James with his face next to the toilet bowl holding a pan filled with ravioli]
Just look at how it handles this massive load of pumpkin ravioli.
[James deposits the raviolis in the toilet bowl. A hard flush takes the raviolis into the transparent dust bag. Its a mess of water, meat, pasta, tomato sauce all smeared in the see-through bag.]
And those ravioli were quite dense. It’s brilliant, isn’t it?
The Dyson Toilet….the first toilet that doesn’t require plunging.
[A last look at the Dyson Toilet.]
[Signature: James Dyson.]
[fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
