SNL Transcripts: Jude Law: 10/23/04: Dyson Toilet

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 3




04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

Dyson Toilet

James Dyson….Fred Armisen

[Opens with the trendy inventor with gray hair in a lab. He has a strong English accent.]

James Dyson: Hello there. I’m James Dyson. Inventor of the Dyson Vacuum….the first vacuum that doesn’t use suction.

[Cut to the yellow vacuum with a transparent, plastic, dust bag. Signature is written beside the toilet. James Dyson]

And now I’ve applied the same technology to another household necessity, the common toilet. You see, I was visiting a friend one weekend and after taking a particularly difficult Sunday-morning squat on what I thought was a pretty good commode,…

[Cut to James, pants around his ankles, taking a dump]

I was amazed by the lousy suction.

[Cut to James flushing, he is intrigued by the flush]

I realized there must be something terribly wrong with this design.

[Cut to James wearing protection glasses with his face in the toilet bowl making an examination]

I took the toilet apart and discovered the problem.

[James puts his hand deep in the toilet bowl]

A small amount of my discard was hopelessly clogged.

[James back in the lab]

So I decided to design something better. And a few thousand prototypes later I had it….the Dyson Toilet.

[The toilet is exactly like the vacuum but with a toilet bowl attached to it]

The first toilet that doesn’t use suction.

[Cut to James with his face next to the toilet bowl holding a pan filled with ravioli]

Just look at how it handles this massive load of pumpkin ravioli.

[James deposits the raviolis in the toilet bowl. A hard flush takes the raviolis into the transparent dust bag. Its a mess of water, meat, pasta, tomato sauce all smeared in the see-through bag.]

And those ravioli were quite dense. It’s brilliant, isn’t it?

The Dyson Toilet….the first toilet that doesn’t require plunging.

[A last look at the Dyson Toilet.] [Signature: James Dyson.]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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