SNL Transcripts: Jude Law: 10/23/04: Paris Hilton Apologizes


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 3

04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

Paris Hilton Apologizes

Paris Hilton…Maya Rudolph
Nicky Hilton…Jude Law
Nicole Richie…Rachel Dratch

Paris: Hi, I’m Paris Hilton and this is my sister Nicky.

[Nicky turns around]

Nicky: Hi. I like your outfit, Paris, it’s hot.

Paris: Thanks. I like yours too. It’s hot.

Nicky: Thanks.

Paris: But you know what’s not hot? The “n” word.

Nicky: You’re right. It’s not hot.

Paris: No it’s not. But you know what is hot? Saying you’re sorry.

Nicole: Paris! Paris!

Paris: Hey Nicole.

Nicole: Look! I found this in my car.

[Dangles a tree shaped car freshener]

Nicky: Well that’s hot.

Nicole: It smells like coconut. Should I eat it?

Paris: Nicole, that’s air freshener.

Nicole: I’m just gonna eat it. [She leaves]

Paris: Where were we? Oh yeah I was apologizing for using the “n” word.

Nicky: You guys, Paris is a lot of things. A dog owner, a semi professional porn star. She can burp her own name.

Paris: [Burping] Paris.

[They both giggle, do a high five and suddenly become serious]

Nicky: That’s hot…But she is not racist. Racist is so not hot.

Paris: No, I agree. It doesn’t get any less hotter than racism…Hey are you still married?

Nicky: No.

Paris: That’s hot….So to prove to you that I am not a racist, therefore hot, here’s a list of black guys I think are hot and I would totally have sex with, or might have already had sex with.

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Shaq…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Usher…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Wayne Brady…

Nicky: Really hot.

Paris: Arsenio …

Nicky: So hot!

Paris: Steve Harvey…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: George Hamilton…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Hootie…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Bernie Mac…

Nicky: Mmmm…not so hot.

Paris: The Ohio Players…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Ronnie…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Bobby…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Ricky…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: and Mike…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Arch Bishop Dime Magic Wand…

Nicky: So totally hot.

Paris: ‘Lil Romeo…

Nicky: Kind of hot.

Paris: And maybe, if I was really drunk…Webster.

Nicky: Oh, Webster’s hot.

Paris: He’s really small! So forget I said the “n” word and next time you think i’m a racist, picture me doing it with a black guy. Thanks!

Nicky: Stay hot!

Announcer: This has been an apology from Paris Hilton.

Transcribed by: Monica Rios

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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