SNL Transcripts: Jude Law: 10/23/04: Paris Hilton Apologizes

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 3

04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

Paris Hilton Apologizes

Paris Hilton…Maya Rudolph
Nicky Hilton…Jude Law
Nicole Richie…Rachel Dratch

Paris: Hi, I’m Paris Hilton and this is my sister Nicky.

[Nicky turns around]

Nicky: Hi. I like your outfit, Paris, it’s hot.

Paris: Thanks. I like yours too. It’s hot.

Nicky: Thanks.

Paris: But you know what’s not hot? The “n” word.

Nicky: You’re right. It’s not hot.

Paris: No it’s not. But you know what is hot? Saying you’re sorry.

Nicole: Paris! Paris!

Paris: Hey Nicole.

Nicole: Look! I found this in my car.

[Dangles a tree shaped car freshener]

Nicky: Well that’s hot.

Nicole: It smells like coconut. Should I eat it?

Paris: Nicole, that’s air freshener.

Nicole: I’m just gonna eat it. [She leaves]

Paris: Where were we? Oh yeah I was apologizing for using the “n” word.

Nicky: You guys, Paris is a lot of things. A dog owner, a semi professional porn star. She can burp her own name.

Paris: [Burping] Paris.

[They both giggle, do a high five and suddenly become serious]

Nicky: That’s hot…But she is not racist. Racist is so not hot.

Paris: No, I agree. It doesn’t get any less hotter than racism…Hey are you still married?

Nicky: No.

Paris: That’s hot….So to prove to you that I am not a racist, therefore hot, here’s a list of black guys I think are hot and I would totally have sex with, or might have already had sex with.

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Shaq…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Usher…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Wayne Brady…

Nicky: Really hot.

Paris: Arsenio …

Nicky: So hot!

Paris: Steve Harvey…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: George Hamilton…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Hootie…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Bernie Mac…

Nicky: Mmmm…not so hot.

Paris: The Ohio Players…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Ronnie…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Bobby…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Ricky…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: and Mike…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Arch Bishop Dime Magic Wand…

Nicky: So totally hot.

Paris: ‘Lil Romeo…

Nicky: Kind of hot.

Paris: And maybe, if I was really drunk…Webster.

Nicky: Oh, Webster’s hot.

Paris: He’s really small! So forget I said the “n” word and next time you think i’m a racist, picture me doing it with a black guy. Thanks!

Nicky: Stay hot!

Announcer: This has been an apology from Paris Hilton.

Transcribed by: Monica Rios

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