Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 3
04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson
Paris Hilton Apologizes
Paris Hilton…Maya Rudolph
Nicky Hilton…Jude Law
Nicole Richie…Rachel Dratch
Paris: Hi, I’m Paris Hilton and this is my sister Nicky.
[Nicky turns around]
Nicky: Hi. I like your outfit, Paris, it’s hot.
Paris: Thanks. I like yours too. It’s hot.
Nicky: Thanks.
Paris: But you know what’s not hot? The “n” word.
Nicky: You’re right. It’s not hot.
Paris: No it’s not. But you know what is hot? Saying you’re sorry.
Nicole: Paris! Paris!
Paris: Hey Nicole.
Nicole: Look! I found this in my car.
[Dangles a tree shaped car freshener]
Nicky: Well that’s hot.
Nicole: It smells like coconut. Should I eat it?
Paris: Nicole, that’s air freshener.
Nicole: I’m just gonna eat it. [She leaves]
Paris: Where were we? Oh yeah I was apologizing for using the “n” word.
Nicky: You guys, Paris is a lot of things. A dog owner, a semi professional porn star. She can burp her own name.
Paris: [Burping] Paris.
[They both giggle, do a high five and suddenly become serious]
Nicky: That’s hot…But she is not racist. Racist is so not hot.
Paris: No, I agree. It doesn’t get any less hotter than racism…Hey are you still married?
Nicky: No.
Paris: That’s hot….So to prove to you that I am not a racist, therefore hot, here’s a list of black guys I think are hot and I would totally have sex with, or might have already had sex with.
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Shaq…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Usher…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Wayne Brady…
Nicky: Really hot.
Paris: Arsenio …
Nicky: So hot!
Paris: Steve Harvey…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: George Hamilton…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Hootie…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Bernie Mac…
Nicky: Mmmm…not so hot.
Paris: The Ohio Players…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Ronnie…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Bobby…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Ricky…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: and Mike…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Arch Bishop Dime Magic Wand…
Nicky: So totally hot.
Paris: ‘Lil Romeo…
Nicky: Kind of hot.
Paris: And maybe, if I was really drunk…Webster.
Nicky: Oh, Webster’s hot.
Paris: He’s really small! So forget I said the “n” word and next time you think i’m a racist, picture me doing it with a black guy. Thanks!
Nicky: Stay hot!
Announcer: This has been an apology from Paris Hilton.
Transcribed by: Monica Rios
