Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 3
Jude Law’s Monologue
Jude: Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s wonderful to be here in New York City. Thank you! Alot of you may know me from my filmwork. Perhaps from the ( counts on his fingers) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 films Ihave coming out right now. But you know I actually started in the theatre. And hosting this show reminds me of that time in my life. When everyone would work very long hours, stay up nights rehearsing until everything was just right. Because we loved it so much. I remember my first opening night in a reperatory theatre. I was playing Happy in “Death of a Salesman,” at the West Yorkshire Playhouse in Leagues. I went to the theatre very early that night. I remember sitting in my tiny dressing room, with a bare lightbulb hanging from the ceiling, and even though it smelled like cigarettes and stale beer I had never been happier. As I was putting on my makeup, I looked in the mirror- I can remember thi so clearly- I looked in the mirror, and I thought “I am so good looking.” I mean look at this face. This face does not belong in a crappy little theatre in Leagues. (is handed a microphone). Honestly. [sings] “I took one look in the mirror, and I could clearly see that there was one perfect thing in it, and that thing was me.” You know people think it’s easy going through life looking like this. It is. It’s easy. [sings] “I don’t need to really act, I don’t need a big heart, I don’t need to be nice, I don’t need to be smart.” I am, that’s just a bonus. Ladies.
(Rachel, Tina, Amy, and Maya enter onstage.)
Girls: [singing]“He’s the most beautiful man we ever saw.
In some states that smile’s against the law.”
Rachel: I want to be against the law – Jude Law, that is.
Girls: [singing]“We don’t meant to be crude,
but when we’re in the mood,
the one man we think of is Jude.”
Rachel: Thinking of Jude.
Tina: Totally nude.
Rachel: About to be screw-
[sings]“I’ve made women swoon, and Matt Damon cry,
made Nicole Kidman melt when she gazed in my eyes.
My looks don’t fit the common belief,
that Englishmen have big ears and, bad teeth.”
Girls [singing] “He’s the most beautiful man in the world.”
Jude: You know when you’re this good looking people think you’re gay. I’m just English. I’m so good looking I don’t even need to be funny to make people laugh. Watch this. Tina?
Tina: What is it, Jude?
Jude: What’s that over there? (points offstage)
(Tina looks then looks back at Jude)
Jude: Made you look.
Tina: Ha ha ha ha ha ha, good one!
Jude: See what I mean?
Tina: That is so funny, and I’m a professional comedian.
Jude: It’s so easy. No one even ever corrects me. Everyone, tonight’s musical guest, Jessica Simpson!
Ashlee: (comes onstage) Actually it’s- you can call me Jessica.
Jude: Maya? Maya, have you met Jessica?
Maya: (Shakes Ashlee’s hand) Hi Jessica.
Ashlee: Actually it’s Ashlee.
Ashlee: Ashlee, yeah.
Jude: Oh, I’m so sorry.
Maya: Oh, it’s okay.
Ashlee: It’s totally okay.
(Ashlee, Maya, and Amy all talk at the same time. It’s hard to tell what each one is saying.)
Amy: I love you!
Jude: [sings] “I’m just a regular guy.”
Girls: [singing] “No you’re more than okay.”
Maya: [singing] “I’d like to get to know you in a big way.”
Girls: [singing]“We don’t mean to be rude,
but we can conclude,
that we’re in the mood for a man named,
(start to make a circle around Jude)
na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, Hey Jude!”
Jude: [sings] “Jude, Jude, Jude, Jude, Jude, Wow!” (girls still singing in the background) Thank you very much. ASHLEE Simpson is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.
(fade away with girls still singing and circling around Jude)
Transcribed by: Krista Couper