Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 3
04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson
“The Apprentice” Promo
Donald Trump…..Darrell Hamond
Director’s Voice…..Seth Meyers
[ open on Halloween background foliage ]
Director’s Voice: Okay. Uh.. Mr. Trump. If you could just step on your mark?
[ Donald Trump, dressed as Dracula, complete with black cape and fake fangs, over his usual business suit, steps in front of the background foliage ]
Director’s Voice: Did you, uh.. did you get a chance to see the script?
Donald Trump: [ with authority ] Here’s how I want this commercial to go: I’m gonna say the words from the script in the camera, while you film it. Then, you’re gonna edit to exactly thirty seconds, which is gonna be hard, ’cause there’s gonna be a lot of good stuff!
Director’s Voice: Yeah, that’s how we usually do it.
Donald Trump: Then, you’re gonna air it! And it’s gonna get the highest ratings of any promo in the history of NBC, not to mention the history of television!
Director’s Voice: Promos actually don’t get ratings, so —
Donald Trump: Let’s do this!
Director’s Voice: Okay. Here we go. In 5.. 4.. 3.. 2..
[ camera zooms close on Trump, as a logo for “The Apprentice” appears on the bottom left corner of the screen. Trump stands motionless. ]
Director’s Voice: Um.. Mr. Trump, is something wrong?
[ logo dissolves ]
Donald Trump: You didn’t say “1”.
Director’s Voice: [ light chuckle ] Oh, yeah.. oh.. sorry, we don’t usually say “1”, because you may hear it on the tape.
Donald Trump: Alright, here’s what you’re gonna do: I want you to count backwards from 5, and when you get to 1, you won’t say it, and that way you won’t hear it on the tape. Then, you’ll point to me, and then I’ll begin saying my lines. And then, you will take what we just recorded —
Director’s Voice: Yes! We get it. Good. Thank you. In 5.. 4.. 3.. 2 —
[ camera zooms close on Trump ]
Donald Trump: 1!
[ logo appears ]
Donald Trump: [ reading stiffly from the cue cards ] “Hello, this is The Donald from Trumpsylvania, telling you to watch this week’s special Halloween episode of “The Apprentice”. These contestants are gonna be shaking in their suits, because, unlike Frankenstein, I am not afraid of fire – ing – any of them! Moo-hoo, hoo-hoo, hoo, ha, ha-ha, ha!” [ lifts his cape up over his shoulders ] That was great.
Director’s Voice: Um.. Mr. Trump, we should probably do that again.
Donald Trump: I think we should do it again. I didn’t point when I said “The Apprentice.”
Director’s Voice: Okay. So, let’s try it again. And, in the end, it’s sort of like an evil villain luag,h like
Donald Trump: Alright, you just watch what I do. I think you’ll find it very professional.
Director’s Voice: Great. Here we go. In 5.. 4.. 3.. 2 —
[ camera zooms close on Trump ]
Donald Trump: 1!
[ logo appears ]
Donald Trump: “Hello, this is The Donald from Trumpsylvania — and you’ve already got this part on tape, so you can splice it, and “Moo-hoo, hoo-hoo, hoo, hey, hey, hey. [ points ] “The Apprentice!””
[ logo dissolves ]
Director’s Voice: Umm.. Mr. Trump, we can’t really splice that middle part, so we’re gonna have to do it again.
Donald Trump: Okay, but this time I’m gonna freestyle it, like I did in that Visa commercial, which, by the way, got tremendous ratings, and so will this promo.
Director’s Voice: Yeah, but, once again, promos don’t get ratings, so —
Donald Trump: [ as camera zooms on him ] And 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. [ points to himself ] 1!
[ logo appears ]
Donald Trump: “Hello, this is Count Trumpula. I vant to suck your blood.. but I von’t, if you vatch “The Apprentice” this veek. Moo-hoo! Moo-hoo-hoo! Moo-hoo-hoo-hoo!” [ throws cape over his shoulder again, then lowers his arm ] And then, right here, I’m gonna stand. And I want you to do some fancy graphic thing where I break into pieces like glass, and then every piece turns into a real bat, and every bat flies away!
Director’s Voice: Um.. Mr. Trump —
Donald Trump: And then the last bat turns into the NBC Peacock, but with fangs! And maybe in the end we can get, you know, Steven Tyler to do a guitar thiiiing.
Director’s Voice: Mr. Trump, we have to play this on the air tonight, so I think we’re done.
Donald Trump: I think we’re done.
Director’s Voice: [ less than enthusiastic ] Great.
[ logo dissolves ]
Donald Trump: This turned out fantastic. This commercial’s gonna be huge – huuuuuge! I think we’re gonna get a real impressive rating in the reruns, too. [ flashes tow peace signs, then walks off the set ]
Director’s Voice: Mr. Trump! Mr. Trump! Uh.. you can actually leave the Dracula cape here..
[ Trump steps back onto the set ]
Donald Trump: Okay, here’s what I’m gonna do: I’m gonna leave the cape —
Director’s Voice: Great.
Donald Trump: Then, I’m gonna go use the john —
Director’s Voice: Okay.
Donald Trump: Then, I’m gonna get in the elevator —
Director’s Voice: Uh-huh.
Donald Trump: And I want it to lower me to the lobby. Alright? Lower me all the way down to the lobby. Okay? I like the numbers. I want them to light up as we go down – 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. [ points to himself ] 1! And then I walk out. And then I want thew car to have Derek Jeter in it, and all of that —
[ fade ]
