Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 4
NBC Special Report
Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell
Osama Bin Laden…..Seth Myers
Voice of Translator…..Jim Downey
Announcer: This is an NBC Special Report. Here’s Tom Brokaw.[ Dissolve to Tom Brokaw ]
Tom Brokaw: Good evening. The much-anticipated October surprise of this 2004 election may finally have materialized. Yesterday, a new videotape of Osama Bin Laden, in which the al-Qaeda leader continues his attacks on the United States and even addresses the upcoming Presidential election, appeared on Arab televison. Here now, in its unedited form and with a translation provided by the State Department, is that tape.[ Dissolve to Osama Bin Laden. On the upper left hand corner of the screen is a caption that reads “Voice of translator”. At the bottom of the screen appears translated text.]
Voice of translator: “Hello. I am Osama Bin Laden. And Allah be praised, this is my message to the American people. In a few days, you will hold your election to choose between the ignorant cowboy Bush and the gigolo Kerry. Over the last several months, I have been approached repeatedly by representatives of both candidates, who would ask me if I would please endorse their opponents. But I have refused to do this. First, because frankly, I find this request sort of insulting, which it really is, if you think about it. Especially coming from Bush, who has not shown the least bit of interest in me since he invaded Iraq. And also, because to me, voting is a private matter, and one which I take very seriously.
For a time, I feared that I would not be eligible to vote in this election. But recently, praise Allah, I was tracked down by two volunteers from the Kerry campaign. They signed me up, and apparently, I am now registered in Cincinnati. Since then, I’ve tried hard to follow the campaign, and to study both the candidates, and the issues. This has often been frustrating, as I am constantly moving from cave to cave here in the mountains of Northwest Pakistan, and thus have very little contact with the outside world. The only person I see regularlyis Michael Moore. And frankly, I am not sure I can believe half of what he tells me.
So, I am not as well-informed a voter as I would like. But, that having been said, here are my thoughts on the election so far. First of all, I must say, I have been very disappointed with the negative tone of the campaign. It would be nice if, just once, the candidates would stop attacking each other, and instead talk about the issues.
What issues? Well, for one thing, living as I do, like a hunted animal, moving from one cave to another, never staying two nights in the same place, and all that time, needing regular dialysis for a kidney ailment, has really brought home to me the importance of quality health care. Kerry at least has a health care plan, but my question is, “how is he going to pay for it?”, especially after my organization acheives its goal of destroying the US economy.
Next, there’s the issue of Social Security. The baby boomer generation is about to retire, and what happens then? But unfortunately, neither candidate seems willing to talk about Social Security. That, and the use of Christian and Muslim babies’ blood by the Jews in their rituals, are the two great un-discussed issues of this election.
Then there’s the issue of stem-cell research. Here, I admit, I don’t know quite what to think. But it’s important to make an informed decision, because, after all, we are talking about human life here.
I guess I’d like to get information on the subject, which is not easy, since again, I live in a cave. On the whole, if you ask my opinion, I don’t see much difference between the two candidates, although, and I will probably get in trouble for saying this, I cannot stand Teresa Heinz Kerry. She is just awful. Just awful. Our religion forbids us to strike a woman although, I admit, I do it all the time, and I know I shouldn’t. But if she were my wife, as Allah is my witness, I would not stop beating her.
So, where does that leave me? Like many of you, undecided, and wondering how, in a country as large as America, this is the choice we were left with. But to be fair, the wicked people of America have no one to blame but themselves. You invade our countries and steal our resources. You are indifferent to our poverty and our customs. You export your own perverted culture, like your degrading reality shows, and, far worse, your lip-synching pop stars. What a disgrace! It’s one thing for a J.Lo to use a guide track, the woman does full choreography. But a girl who doesn’t even dance? On a Live”…broadcast? Where have your standards gone? Then she blames acid reflux. I’m sorry. That is just evil.
So, whomever you elect, consider your lost values. That is the biggerpicture–to restore the meaning of the words, “Land of the Free”, “All Men Are Created Equal,” and especially…”Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”
Transcribed by: Jrcarter9175