Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 4
Rap Night with Chubb Hotty
Chubb Hotty…..Horatio Sanz
DJ Sugar Shock…..Kenan Thompson
Norah Jones…..Kate Winslet
(Logo Rap Night with Chubb Hotty appears on screenwritten in graffiti, cut to DJ Sugar Shock standing infront of panel with sound levels, turntables and amicrophone, plays heavy rap beat)
DJ Sugar Shock: Yo´, Yo´, This is DJ Sugar Shocksaying its time for Rap Night with your host thebiggest, fattest, dopest rapper in the world, ChubbHotty!! Holla!
(Curtains go up revealing fat as hell rapper ChubbHotty with mic on hand. Starts rapping and his songappears on captions at the bottom of the screen)
Chubb Hotty: Yo´, yo´, yo´, I am Chubb Hotty fattestrapper around and I´ve tasted all the yummy ladies inthis whole damn town, I´ve been a playa ass pimp fromthe beginning of time, I ate a batch of Tortellini offyour mother´s behind, cause I´m fat, funky and superslick, I clean my nuts with a sponge tied to the endof a stick, Yeah!!! (Song ends, crowd cheers)What´s upeverybody!! Wooo!! Welcome to the show everybody. TheRed Sox won the World Series(cheers and boos) Yeah,yeah speaking of Red Sox’s, I wear a special kind ofsocks to keep my circulation going so my feet don´tturn black and fall off. (confused look from DJ SugarShock)All right, let´s get this mother starteeeeed!!!
(DJ spins the turntables, plays funky beat and Chubbwalks over and sits in big ass sofa, has troublesitting in it)
Chubb Hotty: Ohhhh, ahhh, ufff, so DJ Sugar Shock whatdid you do this weekend, man?
DJ Sugar Shock: Oh, you know I took the kids to a carshow. What you do?
Chubb Hotty: I filled my hot tub of Chef Boyardee andI had an orgy in it.(stunned look from DJ)OK, now itstime for my new dope segment “What´s the weirdestthing you ever ate?”
(DJ plays pleasant game show tune and sings “What´sthe weirdest thing you ever ate”, cute smile)
Chubb Hotty: Oh, I´ll go first. Ummm, one time I putsome bleu cheese on a old futon and I ate it. Whatabout you Sugar Shock?
DJ Sugar Shock: Bleu cheese and a futon? I was gonnasay frog legs, man. But you win,you always win.
Chubb Hotty: Oh man, that was fun. My first guesttonight is one of my favorite artists. She sure ispretty and I think she weighs as same as my kneecap.She´s here to perform our duet. “Don´t know why, toget up off me” remix. Everybody, please welcome thelovely Norah Jones!
(Norah sits at the piano, plays and sings with Chubbjoining in rapping in between verses of Norah´s hitsong. Chubb stands next to the piano)
Norah Jones: I waited till I saw the sun….
Chubb Hotty: Yeah, yeah….
Norah Jones: Don´t know why I didn´t call….
Chubb Hotty: I don´t know either….
Norah Jones: I left you by the house of fun….
Chubb Hotty: Wasn´t fun for me….
Norah Jones: Don´t know why I didn´t come by….
Chubb Hotty: Yeah, yeah I don´t know why you didn´tcome by either, I figured you forgot we had a date soI ordered a pie, pizza that is, big as a trampolinemore cheese and sausages on that that the factory atJimmy Dean´s….
Norah Jones: My heart is drenched on wine….
Chubb Hotty: Yeah, yeah, my heart is drenched inCrisco, had a triple by-pass back in San Francisco….
Norah Jones: You´ll be on my mind….forever….
Chubb Hotty: Yeah, yeah you´ll be on my mind toounless I see a Wendy´s or a Chicken Cuckaroo….
Norah Jones: Don´t know why I didn´t come now….
Chubb Hotty: Yeah, yeah….
Norah Jones: Don´t know why, I didn´t come.(Song ends)
Chubb Hotty: WOOO!! JEAH! I CAN´T SEE MY OWNDONG!!PEACE!!! Give me some love, sweetheart!
(Chubb wants to high five Norah and falls on the pianocrushing it. Sound of discordant piano keys, Chubb hastrouble getting up, gets up and walks back to big asssofa a little embarrassed. Norah sits on chair besidehim)
Chubb Hotty: Sorry about your piano.
Norah Jones: Yeah, it´s a…no problem.
DJ Sugar Shock: Man, Chubb that´s like the 3rd pianoyou broke this week!
Chubb Hotty: Well, that was a good nice song. Thanksfor being with us today, Norah.
Norah Jones: Yes, thanks for having me. Last time Isaw you was at that incident at the Olive Garden.
Chubb Hotty: Ummm, they lied to me. “All you can eat”What a load of bull. Wasn´t that bull, Sugar Shock?
DJ Sugar Shock: Chubb, you was eating the plants, man.They ran out of food and you started eating theplants. Like a dinosaur.
Chubb Hotty: I´m just glad no one got hurt.
Norah Jones: Chubb, they had to shoot you with anelephant tranquilizer and cut a hole on the wall toget you out of there.
Chubb Hotty: Que sera ,sera. Ok, now it´s time for meand Norah to do another song. You ready, girl?
Norah Jones: You destroyed my piano.
Chubb Hotty: You only brought one with you? You knowthat you´re doing this show, right? All right then,how about I just do my own joint? I called this”Bustin´rhymes and busting zipphaaass” Deejay!
(DJ plays rap beat, Chubb dances around and raps)
Chubb Hotty: You think you know who i am cause Iweight 800 pounds, I make make to your girlfriend andshe´s still making sounds, you think your weak rhymesmake me broken hearted, I eat so much nasty food thatmy kidneys are farting….(PPPPPPFFFFTTTTTT!! Horriblefart)
DJ Sugar Shock: Oh, Lord Chubb!, the smell is comingthrough the P.A. (fart continues)
Norah Jones: Smells like pepper spray and oldbroccoli!
Chubb Hotty: Yeah, yeah, (cracks up a little bit)Youall better get out of the studio! For your own safety.(Norah leaves disgusted)That´s all the time we haveleft. This is Chubby Hotty saying join me next timewhen my guests will be 500 hot dogs. Stay tuned forthe Tony Dans Show!
(Logo of Rap Night with Chubby Hatty appears on screenagain)
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel