Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 4
Goodwin Wig & Toy
Glenda Goodwin…..Maya Rudolph
Glenda Goodwin: Does Halloween scare you? Do trick-or-treaters give you the heebie-jeebies? Are you afraid to attend your office Halloween party for fear that your co-workers will be dressed at evil skeletons, and it will freak you out?
Hi, I’m Glenda Goodwin. Halloween costumes scare the crap out of me. That’s why at Goodwin Wig & Toy, you can get non-ooogly-gooogly costumes, that will make you very happy. Not like you want to poop your drawers. Like…[pictures of various costumes appear] businessman … carrot … giant sunglasses … disco rollerskater … hot dog [picture of hot dog man eating hot dog]. Ahh! Get that picture out of there. That hot dog is scary. Who told that hot dog to eat a baby hot dog? Ooh, that made me feel weird. Damn it!
At Goodwin Wig & Toy, you’ll find everything you need to keep the nightmares away. But just in case you were wondering, here are some of the horrors NOT available at Goodwin Wig & Toy. Like…[pictures of various costumes appear] hobgoblins … freakzoids … goonies … devil squirrel … Tommy Chong … funny nomcrils … and baby Dracula.
Oh, no way Jose. Those pictures just gave me chicken skin. Did you see that baby Dracula? Nu-uh, you get the hell away baby Dracula. I will hit you with a shovel. I will say it again, I do not care for Halloween. So, do you want to be a scary freak this Halloween, or a nice person? It’s your choice. But I’ll tell you one thing, if you come to my house dressed like a zombie wolf, you’ll be leaving empty handed. Except for the ice pack you’ll be holding against your nuts. Oh, ill get it.[gorilla is at the door, screaming]
Oh, hi. Oh no! [Glenda kicks gorilla in the nuts] You should have gone to Goodwin Wig & Toy.
Announcer: Goodwin Wig & Toy, located at 455 South Cesar Chavez Way.[fade out]
Transcribed by: Chris Fuentes