SNL Transcripts: Liam Neeson: 11/13/04

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 5

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

November 13th, 2004

Liam Neeson

Modest Mouse



John Lutz

Jason Sudeikis

JB Smoove
Kerry Calls BushSummary: After losing the presidential election, John Kerry (Seth Meyers) calls to congratulate George W. Bush (Will Forte) on his victory. A dismayed Bush wishes they could change places.

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, John Kerry, Theresa Heintz-Kerry, Al Gore.



Liam Neeson’s MonologueSummary: Liam Neeson counters the usual SNL ethnic stereotypes by not allowing them on the show.

Bio: Liam Neeson (1952-). Actor; minored in Drama while pursuing a teaching degree in England; films include “The Dead Pool” (1988), “Schindler’s List” (1993), “Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace” (1999), “Gangs of New York” (2002), “Kinsey” (2004).

Recurring Characters: Billy Smith.


Star Jones’ Wedding NightSummary: Crazy antics take place the night before Star Jones’ (Kenan Thompson) wedding.

Recurring Characters: Star Jones, Al Reynolds, Barbara Walters, Sean Connery, Liza Minnelli.

Note: Even though Darrell Hammond is still in the cast, Liam Neeson curiously plays the part of Sean Connery.

You Call This A House, Do Ya?Summary: “Buildin'” Finn McQuinn (Seth Meyers) and the home repair crew give an Irish home makeover.


Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner JuiceSummary: The juice that can keep men sexually-active for up to four hours.

Note: Rob Riggle’s erection under the sheets is edited out of the rebroadcasts.

Note: Repeat from 04a.

Jasper the ParrotSummary: After a night out, Phoebe (Rachel Dratch) brings her date (Liam Neeson) home to meet her giant parrot, Jasper (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Phoebe.


Wake Up San DiegoSummary: Joyce Ann Golden (Maya Rudolph) and Trevor Green (Liam Neeson) waste time by repeatedly dancing to the morning show’s theme music.


Modest Mouse performs “Float On”Bio: Indie rock trio; formed in 1993 by vocalist/guitarist Isaac Brock, bassist Eric Judy, and drummer Jeremiah Green; got its unusual name from an obscure reference to the American middle class.


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: John Ashcroft (Darrell Hammond) comments on his resignation from the Bush cabinet. College student Doug Stradley (Seth Meyers) makes a late comments on the election. Deaf comic Richie B. (Fred Armisen) insults his interpretor, Marcus (Kenan Thompson), by telling black jokes.

Recurring Characters: John Ashcroft, Richie B, Marcus.


Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: More hillbilly hijinks at the Appalachian Emergency Room.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Willie Tater, Mrs. Denmont, Jake Denmont, Tyler.

Drug-Sniffing DogSummary: After misplacing their stash, a pot-loving couple (Liam Neeson, Amy Poehler) ask a policeman (Chris Parnell) if they can borrow one of their drug-sniffing dogs.


Modest Mouse performs “Ocean Breathes Salty”Lyrics



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s cartoon, President Bush invents a de-gaying machine, which he haphazardly demonstrates on celebrities.

Note: This cartoon will later air in the episode hosted by Luke Wilson.

Bear CitySummary: In high school, a boy bear’s friends embarrass him in front of a group of girl bears.

The David Mack Wilson ShowSummary: Ten-year old David Mack Wilson (Rachel Dratch) interviews actor Liam Neeson.

Bear CitySummary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.

Chinese RestaurantSummary: A couple (Chris Parnell, Amy Poehler) dining at a Chinese restaurant are flummoxed when they see their waiters’ (Horatio Sanz, Liam Neeson) ying-yangs sticking out.

WheelchairSummary: In a short film, a man (Scott Wainio) in a wheelchair feels sorry for himself.

PapaSummary: Papa (Liam Neeson) destroys expensive items every time he sits on them.

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