SNL Transcripts: Liam Neeson: 11/13/04


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 5

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

November 13th, 2004

Liam Neeson

Modest Mouse



John Lutz

Jason Sudeikis

JB Smoove
Kerry Calls BushSummary: After losing the presidential election, John Kerry (Seth Meyers) calls to congratulate George W. Bush (Will Forte) on his victory. A dismayed Bush wishes they could change places.

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, John Kerry, Theresa Heintz-Kerry, Al Gore.



Liam Neeson’s MonologueSummary: Liam Neeson counters the usual SNL ethnic stereotypes by not allowing them on the show.

Bio: Liam Neeson (1952-). Actor; minored in Drama while pursuing a teaching degree in England; films include “The Dead Pool” (1988), “Schindler’s List” (1993), “Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace” (1999), “Gangs of New York” (2002), “Kinsey” (2004).

Recurring Characters: Billy Smith.


Star Jones’ Wedding NightSummary: Crazy antics take place the night before Star Jones’ (Kenan Thompson) wedding.

Recurring Characters: Star Jones, Al Reynolds, Barbara Walters, Sean Connery, Liza Minnelli.

Note: Even though Darrell Hammond is still in the cast, Liam Neeson curiously plays the part of Sean Connery.

You Call This A House, Do Ya?Summary: “Buildin'” Finn McQuinn (Seth Meyers) and the home repair crew give an Irish home makeover.


Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner JuiceSummary: The juice that can keep men sexually-active for up to four hours.

Note: Rob Riggle’s erection under the sheets is edited out of the rebroadcasts.

Note: Repeat from 04a.

Jasper the ParrotSummary: After a night out, Phoebe (Rachel Dratch) brings her date (Liam Neeson) home to meet her giant parrot, Jasper (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Phoebe.


Wake Up San DiegoSummary: Joyce Ann Golden (Maya Rudolph) and Trevor Green (Liam Neeson) waste time by repeatedly dancing to the morning show’s theme music.


Modest Mouse performs “Float On”Bio: Indie rock trio; formed in 1993 by vocalist/guitarist Isaac Brock, bassist Eric Judy, and drummer Jeremiah Green; got its unusual name from an obscure reference to the American middle class.


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: John Ashcroft (Darrell Hammond) comments on his resignation from the Bush cabinet. College student Doug Stradley (Seth Meyers) makes a late comments on the election. Deaf comic Richie B. (Fred Armisen) insults his interpretor, Marcus (Kenan Thompson), by telling black jokes.

Recurring Characters: John Ashcroft, Richie B, Marcus.


Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: More hillbilly hijinks at the Appalachian Emergency Room.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Willie Tater, Mrs. Denmont, Jake Denmont, Tyler.

Drug-Sniffing DogSummary: After misplacing their stash, a pot-loving couple (Liam Neeson, Amy Poehler) ask a policeman (Chris Parnell) if they can borrow one of their drug-sniffing dogs.


Modest Mouse performs “Ocean Breathes Salty”Lyrics



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s cartoon, President Bush invents a de-gaying machine, which he haphazardly demonstrates on celebrities.

Note: This cartoon will later air in the episode hosted by Luke Wilson.

Bear CitySummary: In high school, a boy bear’s friends embarrass him in front of a group of girl bears.

The David Mack Wilson ShowSummary: Ten-year old David Mack Wilson (Rachel Dratch) interviews actor Liam Neeson.

Bear CitySummary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.

Chinese RestaurantSummary: A couple (Chris Parnell, Amy Poehler) dining at a Chinese restaurant are flummoxed when they see their waiters’ (Horatio Sanz, Liam Neeson) ying-yangs sticking out.

WheelchairSummary: In a short film, a man (Scott Wainio) in a wheelchair feels sorry for himself.

PapaSummary: Papa (Liam Neeson) destroys expensive items every time he sits on them.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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