SNL Transcripts: Liam Neeson: 11/13/04: Kerry Calls Bush


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 5

04e: Liam Neeson / Modest Mouse

Kerry Calls Bush

President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
John Kerry…..Seth Meyers
Theresa Heintz-Kerry…..Maya Rudolph
Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on exterior, White House ] [ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President George W. Bush at his desk ]

Intercom: Mr. President? You’ve got a phone call from Sen. Kerry.

President George W. Bush: Thanks, Ashley. [ picks up phone ] Hello there, John.

[ split-screen ]

John Kerry: Hello, George! I just wanted to call and congratulate the man who ran the most ruthlessly efficient campaign in the history of the nation.

President George W. Bush: Well, thank you. I’ll tell Karl Rove. [ chuckles ]

John Kerry: I was talking about you, George. So, how’s everything else?

President George W. Bush: Well, you know.. I don’t know. I got so much work to do. I’ve got to clean up the mess left by the previous administration.

John Kerry: Well, in that respect, I don’t envy you, George!

President George W. Bush: Yeah, well, tell me about it, you know. I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention, but the economy is in shambles. You know, we haven’t caught Osama bin Laden because we outsourced the job to those.. those crazy Moo-lahs and – heck! Don’t get me started on Iraq. You know that’s just.. that’s just a nightmare. What about you? What are you up to?

John Kerry: [ sips a frozen mixed drink, as a waiter delivers a second ] Not much of anything. Just hanging out, really. Recovering. Pretty boring stuff.

President George W. Bush: That sounds, uh.. awesome

John Kerry: Well, I have to be honest – it was rough at first. But then my accountant told me how much money I would save under your administration. It was hard not to feel like a winner. Plus, my wife has citizenship in, like, eight countries, so, if this joint goes down, I’ve got plenty of outs! [ Theresa Heintz-Kerry nudges John ] Oh, wait, hold on, she wants to talk to you.

Theresa Heintz-Kerry: Whoooooo!! Congratulations, George! I knew you could do it! Listen, tell Laura I said Hello. Hug her awkwardly for me, okay? [ blows a kiss ]

President George W. Bush: Will do.

John Kerry: [ back on the phone with Bush ] Oh, isn’t she great? To think that I married her for her money and I got so much more – houses.. cars.. an ostrich ranch; it’s fantastic!

President George W. Bush: Wow, John, you know, I’ve never heard you sound so relaxed and easygoing.

John Kerry: Curse of the Democrats, George. We save likeable and charming for the concession speech. When it counts – stiff, cold and wooden. When the campaign’s over, we’re the life of the party!

Voice: Whoo-hoo-hooooo!!!!

[ Al Gore sits ]

Al Gore: Well, well, well. John, I have the shuffleboard court reserved for 4:30.

John Kerry: I’ll be there in a few minutes, Al.

Al Gore: Well, come quick, there’s a lot of great games. Tipper and I just won a limbo contest by a decisive margin. Who are you talking to?

John Kerry: George. He says he’s swamped at work.

Al Gore: Let me talk to him. [ takes the phone ] Congratulations, George.

President George W. Bush: Thanks, Al! And I actually won this one, you know! It feels, uh, weird, you know?

Al Gore: I just want to thank you again for what you did to me four years ago. Losing to you was the best thing that ever happened to me. I mean, I keep telling John now’s the time to grow a beard, hang out with Ben Affleck, and start yelling a lot! People really seem to respond to that.

President George W. Bush: Well, uh.. you know, it sure sounds like you’re having fun.

Al Gore: Well, like I always says: “Do do do do do – I’m loving it!” [ chuckles ]

President George W. Bush: Alright. Al, Al, Al, Al.. could you put John back on the phone, please?

Al Gore: Oh, snippy. [ returns the phone to John ]

John Kerry: [ laughing ] Oh, I love that goofball! Come on, George, I’m sure you and your friends are having fun, too.

President George W. Bush: You know, that’s the thing. All my friends are leaving. You know: Ashcroft; Don Evans; Rumsfeld’s gonna go; Colin Powell cleared out his office, like, two years ago, you know? That guy is gone. You know that feeling you had in college, when all your friends were gradge-e-ating, but you still had, like, two more semesters of math requirements? It’s like that.

John Kerry: Well, I’m sure you’re gonna find some good people.

President George W. Bush: Yeah. I’m sure I will. Everything’s gonna be fine.. I guess.

John Kerry: Well, that’s the spirit!

[ John pauses to take a sip from his frozen drink, as Bush waits patiently ]

President George W. Bush: Switch with me!

John Kerry: I’m sorry, w-what?

President George W. Bush: Switch with me. Please! You know, I can find more votes for you in Ohio. [ chuckles ] Trust me – I know where to look!

John Kerry: No, no, I don’t think that’s a good idea, George.

President George W. Bush: Oh, it can work, John. You know? It worked in “The Parent Trap.”

John Kerry: They were twins, George.

President George W. Bush: But what am I gonna do?

John Kerry: George, this is a very important time in our country. People need you to lead them.

President George W. Bush: I guess you’re right, John. You know? It’s time to be decisive. Now, this may not be the popular thing to say, but I’m gonna say it. [ hangs up his phone ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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