Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 5
Wake up San Diego
Trevor Green…..Liam Neeson
Joyce Ann Golden…..Maya Rudolph
Darnell Martinez…..Kenan Thompson
Toby Fredericks…..Chris Parnell
(Open with the Wake Up San Diego logo of a big bright sun)
Announcer: You’re watching Wake up San Diego with Joyce Ann Golden and Trevor Green.
(Upbeat jazzy tune plays while Joyce and Trevor dance with great enthusiasm in their talk show studio )
Joyce: Ugh, ugh. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Excellent, excellent. Can we talk about that music. Is that new?
Trevor: It sounded new. I felt I was in one of my favorite jazz clubs. Toby, was that a new new theme.
Toby: Yes, it is new. We’re trying to to shake things up around here.
Joyce: Well that is really great. Who was it Toby – Winston Marseilles or one of the Marseilles brothers?
Trevor: Was that Winston, Toby?
Toby: No, I believe it’s called City Groove.
Joyce: Well it sounded great. I mean really, really great. Didn’t it, Trevor.
Trevor: Yes, it did. Well good morning everybody.
Joyce: It is a good morning. We have a terrific show for you today.
Trevor: I’m Trevor Green.
Joyce: And I’m Joyce Ann Golden and this is Wake up San Diego. Oh, wait a minute.
(Groovy music plays and Trevor and Joyce get up and dance. Joyce dances jumping in one place, Trevor gyrates his hips, makes masks with his fingers, snaps his fingers, Joyce does the robot, Toby looks on smiling)
Joyce: Go ahead, go ahead. Ugh, ugh. Go ahead. I can’t stop, I can’t stop. I got,I got the fever. I can’t stop. I got the fever. Hey, owww. (music stops) Toby, Toby, whoever is on sound today is really really making me move my junk, I just love it!
Trevor: Me too! This sound is fresh! (they sit down) Was that the Spinners, Toby?
Joyce: Or an instrumental of one of the Spinners?
Toby: (a little stressed) I don’t know, but let’s keep the show rolling.
Joyce: Woo! Well all right.
Trevor: What a show we have today, right, Joyce Ann?
Joyce: It sure is, Trevor. You know I’ve been through a lot over the past year with the identity theft and the kidnapping. But that is nothing compared to what our first guest has been through.
Trevor: That’s right, Joyce Ann. Now this man’s story is shocking. Please welcome Darnell Martinez.
(Enters Darnell and vibrant Latin music plays sending Joyce Ann into a frenzy shaking her skirt wildly, Trevor dances too to the Latin beat)
Joyce: Woo! Kikikikikikikiki!! Wooo, yeah. I can’t stop, I can’t stop! (Darnell smiles shyly and when approached by Joyce starts dancing too) Can you stop! I can even stop!(Joyce plays air guitar) Feels realgood! (Toby watches them and smiles, music stops)
Trevor: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Welcome to the show.
Joyce: Welcome, my goodness. That sort of had a Latin vibe. Didn’t you think Trevor?
Trevor: Yes, yes, yes.
Joyce: Toby, was that a Latin groove?
Trevor: Was that Celia Cruz, Toby?
Joyce: It could’ve been Miami Sound Machine. Was that the Machine, Toby?
Toby: Apparently, it’s from a Starbucks mix CD called Caliente Fever. But hey, let’s focus on our guest.
Joyce: Well, aye, aye Captain. (military salute)
Trevor: So, Darnell tell us. You think that was Celia Cruz?
Darnell: (caught off guard) I’m really not sure. I haven’t been listening much these days because of my situation.
Joyce: Darnell, why don’t you tell our audience what you’ve been through.
Darnell: All right well, my house burned down (audience awws) Yeah and the insurance won’t pay for it (audience awws) because my wife set some curling irons on top of some papers towels.
Joyce: You can’t do that.
Trevor: Let’s take a look at the devastation.
(slow soulful music plays)
(picture of the house burning at night; audience awws. Second picture of the already burnt house during the day; audience awws)
Trevor: That’s just terrible.
Joyce: Toby, Toby what’s that music underneath?
(again Joyce and Trevor get up and dance slowly)
Trevor: That is smooth, Toby crank it up. I’m going in, I’m going in. (Trevor inhales and exhales deeply while doing yoga like moves and meditating, Darnells looks confused)
Joyce: Go in. Go into the inner you. Oh, oh.
Trevor: Oh, yes. Oh yes.
(Joyce makes a snake dance and gets close to Darnell standing on one leg brushes his face with her hair. Music stops.)
Joyce: Woo! Who was that? Spiro Gyra, Toby?
Trevor: Or a young band with a Spiro Gyra vibe?
Toby: (Feeling aggravated) Do you really want me to find out? Is it that important to you?
Joyce: Ohh! Toby Fredericks everyone. (Toby smiles)
Trevor: Our producer. We love you, Toby.
Joyce: So Darnell. Your wife died in the fire, right?
Darnell: No she’s fine. You just refused to fly her out here.
Joyce: Did we, Toby? (Toby nods yes, embarrassed) All right, you know what Darnell? We have something for you.
Darnell: (getting excited) Oh, no! Don’t tell me this. I knew when you asked me on the show something good would happen. (emotional) I might cry.
Joyce: Well don’t you cry because I might ugly cry. Come on.
Trevor: Come on here Darnell. (All three get up and walk over to a podium with a gift wrapped box on top of it) See this box? In it are the keys (beat) to your happiness.
Darnell: Oh, my God! Did you get me a house?
Trevor: No, something better. (Reveals a CD with Joyce and Trevor on the cover smiling)
Trevor: A Wake up San Diego CD sampler with all the great music used on the show, today!!
Joyce: Oww!!Check that out! Well Darnell’s face says it all!
Trevor: We’ll be right back after this!
(City groove plays, Joyce and Trevor dance and Darnell holds up the cd confused and looking around the studio for help)
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel