SNL Transcripts: Liam Neeson: 11/13/04: Drug-Sniffing Dog


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 5

04e: Liam Neeson / Modest Mouse

Drug-Sniffing Dog

Potsmoker…..Liam Neeson
Potsmoker’s Girl…..Amy Poehler
Officer…..Chris Parnell
Officer Quinn…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on interior police station, as a white trash couple enters ]

Potsmoker’s Girl: What are we doing in a police station?

Potsmoker: Relax, everything’s gonna be cool. We have to find the pot that I lost.

Potsmoker’s Girl: You didn’t lose it, you hid it.

Potsmoker: Exactly. I hid it so no one else could find it, but I forgot where I hid it.

Potsmoker’s Girl: So why are we here? Are you gonna file a “missing pot” report?

Potsmoker: I’m not stupid! They would arrest me if I did that. I’m just gonna borrow one of their drug-sniffing dogs so I can find my weed. Observe. [ casually saunters over to the officer on duty ] Good afternoon, Officer. How are you today?

Officer: I’m fine. How may I help you?

Potsmoker: [ turns to give the thumbs-up to his girlfriend ] I’m part of a community outreach program, and this week we’re volunteering to walk your drug-sniffing dogs, especially the ones that sniff pot.

Officer: We’re not interested.

Potsmoker: I thought you might be a little hesitant. But our special this week not only includes walking the dogs, we’re also gonna wash them. So.. if you could bring out one of your dogs, I can get started.

Officer: Our dogs are very well taken care of. And, besides, I’ve never heard of your organization.

Potsmoker’s Girl: Hey, hey, hey.. can I talk to you real quick?

Potsmoker: Chill out, go wait back there. [ she sits ] Okay, I’m gonna levle with ya’ – I’m not part of a community outreach program.

Officer: I had a hunch.

Potsmoker: Okay, here’s the truth. My kid is turning five years old today, and I promised I would bring a drug-sniffing dog to his party.

Officer: I guess I could have an officer stop by the party for a few minutes.

Potsmoker: Nah, that’s not gonna work.

Officer: Why not?

Potsmoker: No offense, but my kid hates cops. You know, the whole Rodney King thing?

Officer: I thought you said he was five?

Potsmoker: I know, but he watches a lot of A&E. He must have seen Bill Kurtis talk about it, and you know kids. So, just, uh, give me the dog, and I’ll have him back to you in no time.

Officer: Maybe we can work something out. Why don’t you give me your name and address —

Potsmoker: [ chuckles ] Nice try.

Potsmoker’s Girl: Hey! We-we’re late, we should get moving.

Potsmoker: One second, baby. [ faces the officer again ] Okay, Officer, here’s the real deal. I’m gonna lay it out in front of ya’, as is. I’m afraid my son is on drugs.

Officer: Your five year old son?

Potsmoker: Makes your heart weep, don’t it? I want to help him, but at his age, I don’t want to get him in trouble with the law. Especially with the way he feels about you pigs already.

Officer: [ sighs ] Well, I can send an officer over there, and we won’t fill out a report on your son, we’ll just dispose of the drugs.

Potsmoker: Okay, that’s not gonna work, either. This time I’m gonna shoot straight with ya’?

Potsmoker’s Girl: Hey, hey, hey, hey! We should really get out of here, and just go buy some more P-O-T!

Officer: [ sighs ] I’m a grown man, and I know what that spells.

Potsmoker: She’s just kidding, Officer. Now, where were we?

Officer: Sir! I’m not giving you a drug-sniffing dog!

Potsmoker: Okay! Here it is. Scout’s honor. You’ve heard of Homeland Security, right?

Officer: No!

Potsmoker: You’ve never heard of —

Officer: I have heard of it, I mean “No!” to your story.

Potsmoker: Check it out, guy – my grandma has glaucoma —

Officer: No!

Potsmoker: I.. misplaced my hemp belt.

Officer: Hmm.. no!

Potsmoker’s Girl: W-we can’t find our Willie Nelson albums?

Potsmoker: Yeah!

Officer: No!

Potsmoker: Oh, come on, man! just be cool, let me borrow the dog!

Officer: No, I’m sorry, I can’t be “cool.”

Potsmoker: Dude! You are bumming me out! [ points to a black officer ] I want to talk to the black cop out there!

Officer: [ sighs ] Officer Quinn. This gentlemen would like to talk to you about borrowing one of our dogs.

Officer Quinn: A drug-sniffing dog.

Officer: One of our drug-sniffing dogs.

Officer Quinn: Why do you want the dog?

Potsmoker: It’s funny you should ask. [ looks at the first officer ] Uh.. do you mind butting out of this?

Officer: Not at all. [ promptly exits ]

Officer Quinn: Mmm-hmm.. oh, you hid it? Okay.. now you can’t find it? Alright. Oh, ’cause I’m black, I’m supposed to be cool? Right, right, right. So you need a dog? You know, I think we got it.

Potsmoker: So, we’re cool?

Officer Quinn: Hell, no, we not cool! Man, you lucky I don’t arrest you!

Potsmoker: For real?

Officer Quinn: [ whispers ] No, not for real. Meet me in the back in five minutes. [ gives thumbs-up ] Now, get out of here!

[ first officer returns ]

Officer Quinn: Man, that guy was crazy.

Officer: Mmm-hmm.

Officer Quinn: [ fakes a yawn ] I’m tired! I think I’m gonna take an early lunch. You know, maybe take Rusty with me. Come on, Rusty! [ exits ]

Officer: I’ll see you later. [ back to business ] Uh, Crystal? Someone has posted your bail, so if you’ll just come over here and sign this for me..

[ dissolve to a smoke-filled room in a trailer, the white trash couple and Officer Quinn lying on the couch listening to Willie Nelson music as a small kid runs circles around them ]

Officer Quinn: Yeah.. oh, hell, Willie, sing it!

Potsmoker: Willie’s the best!

Officer Quinn: Yeah, he sure is. Hey, can you tell oyur kid to take off that Spiderman mask? He’s freaking me out.

Potsmoker’s Girl: We don’t know that kid!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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