Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 5
You Call This A House, Do Ya?
“Buildin” Finn McQuinn…..Seth Meyers
Lorken McArdle/Fiddler…..Liam Neeson
Mrs. McArdle…..Amy Poehler
Announcer: [with an Irish brogue] Youre watchin RTE 2Irelands other television network. Its 3:30 p.m. Next up [dissolve to picture of a white stone house with a wooden cabin on the side] Irelands top home makeover show [show name appears over photo of stone house]: You Call This A House, Do Ya?, with your host, Buildin Finn McQuinn.[dissolve to shot of Buildin Finn McQuinn outside of an Irish house, wearing a lavendar, button-down shirt with a white T-shirt under it, a pair of faded jeans, and a toolbelt around the waist]
Buildin Finn McQuinn: [addressing the camera] Cheers. Im Buildin Finn McQuinn, and welcome to You Call This A House, Do Ya? For those of ya too thick to remember how it works, we take an average Irish home and basically try to make it look a little less crap. Were at the home of Lorken McArdle. Lets see if hes in.[McQuinn knocks on McArdles door. Lorken McArdle, a taller man with red hair and a cigarette in his mouth, answers the door]
Lorken McArdle: [suspiciously] Whats all this there?
Buildin Finn McQuinn: Im Buildin Finn McQuinn. Were here to make over your home.
Lorken McArdle: [sarcastically] [removes cigarette from his mouth] Ya want a medal for that, do ya? Do ya want me to do a jig for ya?
Buildin Finn McQuinn [irritated over Lorkens sarcastic remarks] You could say Tanks!
Lorken McArdle: I could, but Im not gonna.
Buildin Finn McQuinn: [a beat] Fair enough. Care to show us around?
Lorken McArdle: Ah, all right. Keep your shirt on. [opens the door to let McQuinn inside. McQuinn closes the door behind him] [cut to shot of Mrs. McArdle holding her two children]
Mrs. McArdle: [terrified] Oh! Oh, sweet mercy! Theyve come for ya! [to McQuinn] Hes innocent, I tell ya, innocent. He was here all last night!
Lorken McArdle: Ah, take it easy, Molly. These guys are here to fix up the house.
Mrs. McArdle: But we cant afford it.
Buildin Finn McQuinn: Oh, dont worry, its free.
Mrs. McArdle: So was his vascetomy. [indicates the boy and girl shes holding in her arms] Ya see how well that worked out.
Lorken McArdle: [angrily] You shut yer mouth!
Mrs. McArdle: [yelling] Ill shut my mouth when Im good and ready!
Buildin Finn McQuinn: ALL RIGHT! [normal tone] All right, so, uh, why dont you give us the grand tour, Lorken.
Lorken McArdle: [points to couch and coffee table] Living room, [points to empty corner]: foyer, [points to desk]: home office, [points to an offscreen location]: bedroom, [points to another offscreen location]: bedroom, [points to a chair near the front door]: breakfast nook, [points to an empty corner behind him]: Uh solarium, [points to three more offscreen locations]: gym, kitchen, bedroom.
Buildin Finn McQuinn: Well, you have a lovely home, and itll be tough to improve it. [camera focuses on McQuinn]: But we are professionals. So, why dont you head down to the pub, and by the time you get back[a door closes to McQuinns right. Camera zooms out to find that Lorken has left before McQuinn has finished his sentence]. Hes already gone, I see. [to his workers]: All right, boys! Pull up yer socks. [claps hands to summon them inside]: Lets get to work! [three construction workers come in the house] [dissolves to photo of the white stone house as previously shown from the beginning of the sketch] [dissolve back to inside of the house, where McQuinn and his construction workers are renovating the house. Irish music plays throughout the sequence and the film is sped up for time constraints. During the sped up sequence, the workers rearrange the mirror on the wall and the chair next to the door, have a beer and then have another beer. One of the workers fights with McQuinn, then makes up with him. A fiddler (Liam Neeson in a white shirt) comes in and everyone dances. Mrs. McArdle then goes into labor and McQuinn delivers the baby. Everyone celebrates and dances while Mrs. McArdle has a beer] [dissolve to establishing shot of the Irish stone house at night accompanied by the super: 11 Hours Later] [dissolve to Buildin Finn McQuinn, the three construction workers, Mrs. McArdle, and her children standing around after the renovations]
Buildin Finn McQuinn: [addressing the camera] Well, we finally finished. [to Mrs. McArdle]: Whaddaya think?
Mrs. McArdle: Oh, its beautiful! I cant believe this is my house.
Buildin Finn McQuinn: [addressing the camera] Okay, the good news is we just received word that Lorken is on his way home, as he was thrown out of his local for tossin a jukebox at the policemen. So he should be back any minute.
Lorken McArdle: [from outside, singing drunkenly] Tora-lora-lora [Lorken stumbles in]: Tor[stops and looks around]: Why you Get outta me house, ya thievin Royalist bastards! You shant take this flat for The British Crown!
Buildin Finn McQuinn: Uh, Lorken, Lorken, its me, Buildin Finn McQuinn. Were here redoing your house.
Lorken McArdle: [realizes where he is] Aaah, thats a friend. Come here [hugs McQuinn]
Buildin Finn McQuinn: [uncomfortable with the situation, but plays along anyway] Okay, there we go. There we go. Well, uh, uh, lets show everybody about.
Lorken McArdle: Thatll be grand.
Buildin Finn McQuinn: All right [takes an ashtray from the table], what we did was we started by emptying out the ashtrays. That gives the space a feel that people havent been in here smokin all day. [puts the ashtray back on the table]
Lorken McArdle: [touched] ItsIts glorious. ItsIts the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Buildin Finn McQuinn: All right [walks over to the chair that was next to the door]: Then we took this chair and moved it from over there [indicates the space next to the door] to over here [indicates the chairs present spot]. Its what the Chinamen call feng shui. Plus, now it covers up the urine stain that was down there.
Lorken McArdle: Its both aesthetically pleasing and practical. Oh, youre my brother now.
Buildin Finn McQuinn: Okay, all right [Lorken hugs McQuinn]: Oh, more hugs. All right. Fantastic. Fantastic. All right [breaks from Lorkens hug and goes over to the desk]: Youre gonna love this part. Next, [indicates a rack with potatoes sticking out of metal rods] we organized your potatoes with this lovely potato organizer from Ikea.
Lorken McArdle: Ive been meanin to do that.
Buildin Finn McQuinn: All right, and finally, to give the room a bit more of aof a dimension to it [indicates the mirror now hanging above the desk], we moved this mirror to a more light-reflected location.
Lorken McArdle: [less than pleased] Uh you did what?
Buildin Finn McQuinn: Wewe moved the mirror fromfrom over there [indicates the empty space above the mantle of the fireplace] to over here [indicates the mirrors current location]
Lorken McArdle [solemnly] You might like to know that my mother hung that mirror there before she died.
Mrs. McArdle: I told him not to do it!
Buildin Finn McQuinn: Well, look, Im sorry.
Lorken McArdle: Dont apologize to me; apologize to her, because you will meet her in Heaven [rolls up the sleeves of his sweater] when Im done with ya.
Buildin Finn McQuinn: [trying not to start any trouble] Look, well move it back!
Lorken McArdle: Its too late. Im gonna kill the lot of ya. And Im stahting wit the big guy [points to Pat, one of the construction workers]
Pat: Ah, bring it on, ya bastard![Lorken smashes a chair over Pats back. Pat grabs Lorken by the midsection and doesnt let go, despite that Pats construction hat falls off]
Buildin Finn McQuinn: [addressing the camera] Well, this is gone pearshape once again [as McQuinn is talking, Lorken grabs a beer bottle and smashes it over Pats head]: Join us next week [Pat punches Lorken in the face as McQuinn closes the show] for another episode of So, Ya Call This A House, Do Ya? [Lorken grabs a painting off the wall and shatters it over Pats head. McQuinn yells to Pat]: Cover yer face, Pat! [Lorken and Pat strangle each other] Cover yer face![dissolve to title card as lively Irish music plays] [fade out]
Submitted by: Candy