Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 5
Liam Neeson’s Monologue
Billy Smith…..Fred Armisen
Amish Man…..John Lutz
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Liam Neeson!
Liam Neeson: Thank you very much! Really. It’s GREAT to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Everyone has been so fantastic. You know, when I showed up here at the beginning of the week, people had all these ideas where I played all sorts of things — most of them Irish… and drunk. And, even though some of them were really funny, I was just a little uncomfortable with the stereotype of the drunken Irishman. So, I asked them if it was okay IF we didn’t go in that direction, and they were fantastic about it, extremely gracious. And it was all in good fun, but it can be hurtful even when you don’t mean it to be.
[ Finesse Mitchell appears ]
Finesse Mitchell: Hey! Hey, you were RIGHT to say what you said! That’s why, tonight, you’re not gonna see me playing any pimps or any gangsta rappers.
Liam Neeson: Good for you, Finesse.
Finesse Mitchell: And that’s also why this is the only time you’ll see me in the show tonight!
[ Finesse quietly exits the stage, as Horatio Sanz appears ]
Horatio Sanz: Hey, Liam. There’s something I have to say.
Liam Neeson: That’s great, Horatio. You’re — you’re — you’re here to talk about stereotypes of overweight people?
Horatio Sanz: [ taken aback ] No, I was gonna talk about… not doing Hispanic stereotypes. [ he shakes his head ] Forget about it…
[ Horatio exits the stage, as Maya Rudolph appears ]
Maya Rudolph: [ with a dramatic flair ] Liam! Ladies and gentlemen! I’d like to say: I am tired of the stereotypical jokes about people who are of mixed race! We are NOT addicted to pornography! And all of us do NOT… smell like marshmallows. [ she points a finger in Neeson’s face and exits the stage ]
Liam Neeson: [ nervously ] Uh-oh. I guess — I guess I owe a big apology to Tiger Woods.
[ Will Forte appears ]
Will Forte: Liam? [ to the audience ] Uh — stereotypes have hurt us all. You know, I, for one, am sick and tired of upper middle class suburban white Christian males… being portrayed only as businessmen and doctors and astronauts. I mean, we are so much more than that! Many of us are also lawyers and bankers.
Liam Neeson: Well… thank you, I guess.
[ Will exits the stage, as Darrell Hammond appears ]
Darrell Hammond: There’s something I’d like to say, Liam.
Liam Neeson: Yes, Darrell.
Darrell Hammond: I’m tired of people assuming impressionists are FREAKS! Okay? That we can’t express ourselves in our own voices! I mean, we’re regular people, Liam. Like your plumber… your dentist… or… [ stuttering ] Porky Pig! Or people like Don Knotts, as Barney Fife: [ doing his Barney Fife impression ] “Oh, Andy, I didn’t mean to shoot Aunt Bea!” [ clears his throat ] And what if Donald Trump was in “Romeo and Juliet”?
Liam Neeson: What would that be like?
Darrell Hammond: [ smiles ] Thank you. [ doing his Donald Trump impression ] “Juliet! Nice rack… but you’re fired!”
[ Darrell exits the stage ]
Liam Neeson: Thank you, Darrell. Well, I’ll bet there a lot of people here tonight who feel the same way, huh? Hey! What about you, sir? [ he approaches Billy Smith ] As a Native-American, aren’t you tired of people assuming that you’re an alcoholic and that you own a casino?
Billy Smith: Yes.
Liam Neeson: And you, sir. [ he approaches an Eskimo ] Don’t you hate it when people jump to the conclusion that you rub noses to kiss?
Eskimo: [ he smiles ] Yeah!
Liam Neeson: Sir? [ he approaches an Amish man ] How about you? Doesn’t it offend you that people think you like show tunes simply because you’re gay?
[ the Amish man frowns and returns to his seat, as Neeson returns to the stage ]
Liam Neeson: Granted… none of that is gonna happen here tonight. Oh — uh — and when the show’s over, uh, join me at Murphy’s Pub for a Hennigans and a shot of whiskey — it’ll be magically delicious!
[ Irish jig music plays ]
Liam Neeson: We’ve got a great show! Modest Mouse is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!
[ Neeson dances an Irish jig to fade ]