Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 5
Jasper the Parrot
(Open with a couple entering an apartment; living room)
Phoebe: That was such a great dinner. Thank you.
Ronnie: Oh, it’s been such a long time since I had Indian food.
Phoebe: That was Mexican food.
Ronnie: Oh, I’m sorry I’m a little nervous, I was trying to impress you.
Phoebe: You impressed me the first time I saw you.
Ronnie: Oh, thank you. What a nice apartment. How long have you lived here?
Phoebe: 30 years. Can you believe it. Sit down, let me get you some wine. Blush or Rose?
Ronnie: Rose. Sounds lovely. (sits down on the sofa, Phoebe goes to the kitchen)
Phoebe: (from kitchen) Do you want cheese and crackers?
Phoebe: Okay, you know what? I’m just gonna bring out crackers ’cause the cheese is a little moldy. (brings plate of crackers)
Ronnie: That’s no problem. Let me help you.
Phoebe: Here you go. Well, I got to say, oh (they toast) I’m really glad you asked me out. I’ve sold you so many scratch-off tickets that I feel like I know you.
Ronnie: Every one you sold me is a winner as long as it comes with that smile. (feeling romantic he comes closer for a kiss)
Phoebe: Oh, Ronnie, oh you know what, before we start necking, I have to introduce you to my baby.
Ronnie: Oh, you have a child?
Phoebe: Well, not exactly, but I am a mommy. This is Jasper. (gets up and in the corner reveals a big, red, man-sized parrot with a yellow nose) He’s an African parrot.
(The parrot is moving around, biting the bars. Phoebe takes him in her arm)
Phoebe: Jasper, come up here. Jasper, this is Ronnie. Say hello, say hello. (parrot bops up and down)
Ronnie: (a little tense) Hello, little fellow, ain’t you a pretty bird.
Phoebe: Oh, he’s being a little shy. But he can sing, right, Jasper? (looking at the parrot) “Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, (parrot looks away uninterested) Happy birthday to you.”
Jasper: “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you!”
Ronnie: That’s great. Back in the cage then, huh.
Phoebe: Aww, let’s leave him out. He just loves crackers. (The parrot runs up and down the length of the sofa) Here you want a cracker, here. (puts cracker in her mouth and Jasper leans over and eats it)
Ronnie: You know, Phoebe, I haven’t been with a woman since my wife died, well I sometimes still cry about her. (parrot bops up and down on Ronnie’s shoulder) I bet she’s probably looking down now saying, “Get over it, you silly fool.” (parrot nibbles on Ronnie’s head)
Phoebe: That is so sad. I mean, how do you cope with something like that?
Ronnie: Well, I just try to focus (Jasper sings Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, runs up and down from the sofa and jumps from the sofa to Ronnie’s head several times) on her life, not her death. She was a wonderful woman. Phoebe, could you get your bird off my head?
Phoebe: Jasper,Jasper, come on, Jasper. He likes you. (parrot pulls hair on Ronnie’s head with his beak mouth) Come here, Jasper doodle, come here. You want to give him a cracker, here?
Ronnie: No, no, no. (Phoebe puts cracker in Ronnie’s mouth, Jasper approaches slowly and takes the cracker from Ronnie’s mouth)
Phoebe: Here you go. Good boy, Jasper. So go on – so go on, you were (Jasper squawks) telling me about( Jasper squawks) your dead wife.
Ronnie: That’s in the past. This is today and I’m here with you. I have a good feeling about this relationship. (Jasper bops up and down violently)
Phoebe: Well, you’re a wonderful man Ronnie, wonderful man.
Ronnie: Thank you. I just never thought at this point in my life I’d find someone like you. May I…may I kiss you. (Ronnie’s gets close for a kiss and Jasper bites him in the cheek) Oww! Your bloody bird bit me!
Phoebe: Jasper! He thinks I’m being attacked. (Jasper keeps running up and down the sofa) I can calm him down, I can calm him down. (sings to Jasper) “Strangers in the night, exchanging glances. Strangers in the night exchanging glances, (Jasper concentrates onPhoebe with idiotic look on it’s face) strangers in the night exchanging glances.”
Jasper: “Strangers in the night, glances. Strangers in the night, glances.”
Ronnie: Okay, okay, okay. (Jasper sings Happy birthday to you) Phoebe, I’ve got to be honest with you. I don’t like birds. This isn’t for me. (gets up to leave)
Phoebe: Oh, Ronnie, don’t go. I mean this night might be our last to find real love in our lives.
Ronnie: What am I doing? (returns to Phoebe’s side) I finally meet a woman that makes me feel alive and appreciates me for who I am and I just try to ruin it. (Jasper singsongs Happy birthday to you, bopping on Ronnie’s shoulder and biting on his head) Phoebe, if this bird is special to you, well I will learn to love it (Jasper sings Happy birthday to you and squawks) because you’re special to me. (Jasper sings Happy birthday to you and squawks)
Phoebe: Oh, Ronnie. (Jasper takes a giant crap all over Ronnie who is obviously disgusted) Jasper!!
(Jasper comes very close to the camera, tries to bite it and sings: Strangers in the night, glances, strangers in the night, glances.)
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel