Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 6
Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch
Brother #1…..Chris Parnell
Brother #2…..Seth Meyer
[open on exterior of house] [dissolve to interior, with family around Thanksgiving table]
Michelle: And, you know, most of all, I’m just thankful for being home for the holidays.
Mark: You know, I’m just thankful that I met Michelle this year, and now I get to spend Thanksgiving with your family. You know, I’m really looking forward to getting to know you guys.
Debbie: Oh, I’m thankful that somebody in this family has a date. I was going to bring a guy I met on match.com, but after we exchanged photos, I never heard from him again. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh] [dissolve to jingle montage]
Jingle: You’re enjoying your day. / Everything’s going your way. / Then along comes Debbie Downer. / Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease. / A car accident or killer bees. / You’ll beg her to spare you, “Debbie, please!” / But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”[zoom on Debbie’s sad face] [dissolve to Thanksgiving table]
Frank: Hey, can you pass some of that turkey? Oh, it looks juicy![chuckling as he passes the turkey platter] Oh, I’m sorry; I thought it was all mine! [all laugh]
Brother #1: Boy, the traffic was a disaster coming up, huh?
Brother #2: Oh, yeah.
Debbie: Nothing compared to the disaster the Chinese are going through. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]
Debbie: They’re still digging out from typhoon season, just in time for the bird flu to claim even more lives. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched wah wahhhhh]
Michelle: [lifts a wine bottle] Who wants some more wine?
Frank: I’d love some! [Michelle passes the bottle to him] Hey, do you think the Pilgirims brought a bottle of Pinot Grigio to the first Thanksgiving?[all laugh]
Debbie: I’ll tell you what the Pilgrims did bring: smallpox. It killed scores of Native Americans, ravaging their population. [camera quickly closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched wah wahhhhh] And that was before we got around to shattering their spirit. [camera closes in very tightly on Debbie’s face with trumpet: prolonged wah wahhhhh]
Michelle: Sweetheart, you look cute in that tie.
Mark: Hey, you should see me in my underwear. [they chuckle]
Debbie: [suddenly leaning towards them] Did you guys get tested? [trumpet: quick high pitched wah wahhhhh]
Debbie: Well, you know, you think you know someone, and then you see that “Oprah” about [finger quotes] “living on the down low.” [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]
Brother #1: I’d like to propose a toast.
Frank: All right.
Brother #1: Okay, I’d like to welcome Mark; we’re very happy that you’re here. Also, I’d like us all to remember Grandma. I’m sure she’s looking down on us and smiling.
Debbie: I hope it’s the version of her before she was in the grips of dimentia. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh] Otherwise, she’d just be confused. [camera closes in very tightly on Debbie’s face with trumpet: deep wahhhhh]
Mark: Well, I’m sure your grandma was a great lady, and really loved…most of you.
Brother #2: Hey, could you pass the stuffing?
Mark: Sure. [lifts it and passes it to Debbie] Debbie, stuffing?
Debbie: Hey, Frank, did you cook this in the bird?
Frank: Yeah, it soaks up all the juices.
Debbie: It also soaks up an array of harmful bacteria, creating a breeding ground for foodborne illnesses. [camera quickly closes in on the turkey, then pans to Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]
Mark: Hey, can I say something? I just want to say that I’ve never been happier than I am now, and I never want this feeling to end, so [reaches into his pocket and pulls out a ring box, opening it to show Michelle the ring]
Michelle: Oh, my God, Mark!
Mark: [kneels] Michelle, will you marry me?
Michelle: Oh, my God, of course, yes![all cheer and applaud]
Brother #2: Michelle, let’s see the ring!
Michelle: Oh, it’s beautiful! Mark, this must have cost you a fortune!
Mark: Hey, just like they say: two months salary.
Debbie: Did you factor in the loss of life at the hands of the African diamond industry? [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched wah wahhhhh]
Mark: You know what, Debbie? I’ve known you for less than a day, but I’ve kind of had it with you. I mean, I never said a word when we were watching the parade and you told me everything I could ever wish to know about Al Qaeda, or when the Garfield float came by and you made that speech about feline AIDS.
Debbie: [matter-of-factly, with her mouth partially full, a fork dangling from her hand] It’s the number one killer of domestic cats. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with sound effect: meow meowwwww]
Mark: And that’s very, very sad. But I don’t want to talk about it during my marriage proposal.
Michelle: Come on, Mark, we’re going to go eat in the TV room. [stands with her plate and exits]
Mark: Excuse me. [follows her] [others continue to eat]
Debbie: Guess who’s got eczema?[remaining family members drop their forks in their plates in disgust, and exit with their plates]
Debbie: Well, I guess it’s just you and me, Mr. Turkey.[the turkey stands and wobbles off the table with gobbling sound effect] [camera closes in on Debbie’s bemused expression] [dissolve to end title card with close-up of Debbie’s face]
Jingle: No, you can’t stop Debbie Downer!
Debbie: You know who’s excited about Christmas? The credit card companies.
Submitted by: DavidK93