SNL Transcripts: Luke Wilson: 11/20/04: Debbie Downer


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 6

04f: Luke Wilson / U2

Debbie Downer

Michelle…..Amy Poehler
Mark…..Luke Wilson
Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch
Frank…..Horatio Sanz
Brother #1…..Chris Parnell
Brother #2…..Seth Meyer

[open on exterior of house] [dissolve to interior, with family around Thanksgiving table]

Michelle: And, you know, most of all, I’m just thankful for being home for the holidays.

All: Awwwww.

Mark: You know, I’m just thankful that I met Michelle this year, and now I get to spend Thanksgiving with your family. You know, I’m really looking forward to getting to know you guys.

Debbie: Oh, I’m thankful that somebody in this family has a date. I was going to bring a guy I met on, but after we exchanged photos, I never heard from him again. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh] [dissolve to jingle montage]

Jingle: You’re enjoying your day. / Everything’s going your way. / Then along comes Debbie Downer. / Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease. / A car accident or killer bees. / You’ll beg her to spare you, “Debbie, please!” / But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

[zoom on Debbie’s sad face] [dissolve to Thanksgiving table]

Frank: Hey, can you pass some of that turkey? Oh, it looks juicy!

[chuckling as he passes the turkey platter] Oh, I’m sorry; I thought it was all mine!

[all laugh]

Brother #1: Boy, the traffic was a disaster coming up, huh?

Brother #2: Oh, yeah.

Debbie: Nothing compared to the disaster the Chinese are going through. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

Michelle: What?

Debbie: They’re still digging out from typhoon season, just in time for the bird flu to claim even more lives. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched wah wahhhhh]

Michelle: [lifts a wine bottle] Who wants some more wine?

Frank: I’d love some! [Michelle passes the bottle to him] Hey, do you think the Pilgirims brought a bottle of Pinot Grigio to the first Thanksgiving?

[all laugh]

Debbie: I’ll tell you what the Pilgrims did bring: smallpox. It killed scores of Native Americans, ravaging their population. [camera quickly closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched wah wahhhhh] And that was before we got around to shattering their spirit. [camera closes in very tightly on Debbie’s face with trumpet: prolonged wah wahhhhh]

Michelle: Sweetheart, you look cute in that tie.

Mark: Hey, you should see me in my underwear. [they chuckle]

Debbie: [suddenly leaning towards them] Did you guys get tested? [trumpet: quick high pitched wah wahhhhh]

Michelle: What?

Debbie: Well, you know, you think you know someone, and then you see that “Oprah” about [finger quotes] “living on the down low.” [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

Brother #1: I’d like to propose a toast.

Frank: All right.

Brother #1: Okay, I’d like to welcome Mark; we’re very happy that you’re here. Also, I’d like us all to remember Grandma. I’m sure she’s looking down on us and smiling.

Debbie: I hope it’s the version of her before she was in the grips of dimentia. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh] Otherwise, she’d just be confused. [camera closes in very tightly on Debbie’s face with trumpet: deep wahhhhh]

Mark: Well, I’m sure your grandma was a great lady, and really loved…most of you.

Brother #2: Hey, could you pass the stuffing?

Mark: Sure. [lifts it and passes it to Debbie] Debbie, stuffing?

Debbie: Hey, Frank, did you cook this in the bird?

Frank: Yeah, it soaks up all the juices.

Debbie: It also soaks up an array of harmful bacteria, creating a breeding ground for foodborne illnesses. [camera quickly closes in on the turkey, then pans to Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

Mark: Hey, can I say something? I just want to say that I’ve never been happier than I am now, and I never want this feeling to end, so [reaches into his pocket and pulls out a ring box, opening it to show Michelle the ring]

Michelle: Oh, my God, Mark!

Mark: [kneels] Michelle, will you marry me?

Michelle: Oh, my God, of course, yes!

[all cheer and applaud]

Brother #2: Michelle, let’s see the ring!

Michelle: Oh, it’s beautiful! Mark, this must have cost you a fortune!

Mark: Hey, just like they say: two months salary.

Debbie: Did you factor in the loss of life at the hands of the African diamond industry? [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched wah wahhhhh]

Mark: You know what, Debbie? I’ve known you for less than a day, but I’ve kind of had it with you. I mean, I never said a word when we were watching the parade and you told me everything I could ever wish to know about Al Qaeda, or when the Garfield float came by and you made that speech about feline AIDS.

Debbie: [matter-of-factly, with her mouth partially full, a fork dangling from her hand] It’s the number one killer of domestic cats. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with sound effect: meow meowwwww]

Mark: And that’s very, very sad. But I don’t want to talk about it during my marriage proposal.

Michelle: Come on, Mark, we’re going to go eat in the TV room. [stands with her plate and exits]

Mark: Excuse me. [follows her] [others continue to eat]

Debbie: Guess who’s got eczema?

[remaining family members drop their forks in their plates in disgust, and exit with their plates]

Debbie: Well, I guess it’s just you and me, Mr. Turkey.

[the turkey stands and wobbles off the table with gobbling sound effect] [camera closes in on Debbie’s bemused expression] [dissolve to end title card with close-up of Debbie’s face]

Jingle: No, you can’t stop Debbie Downer!

Debbie: You know who’s excited about Christmas? The credit card companies.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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