SNL Transcripts: Luke Wilson: 11/20/04: The Falconer


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 6

04f: Luke Wilson / U2

The Falconer

The Falconer…..Will Forte
The Dogger…..Luke Wilson
Vendor…..Horatio Sanz
Contestant…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”

[ dissolve to exterior, woods, where The Falconer sits semi-buried under a pile of rocks, Donald perched on his arm ]

The Falconer: Ohhhhh, Donald! It appears that my high-pitched yodeling has caused a rock slide, and now I am in dire straits!

Donald: [ screeches ]

The Falconer: Nooo! By “dire straights”, I do not mean the rock band. But, rather, the band of rocks that have come to rest upon mine body. These rolling stones – again, not the band – have trapped me!

[ a rugged man and his dog enter the scene; the dog walks across the edge of the fake foam rocks, toppling a couple over before sitting on the ground area ]

The Dogger: Oh, I thought I heard voices. Are you all right, stranger?

The Falconer: I’ve been trapped beneath these stones for three days! Who are you?

The Dogger: My name’s not important – but it’s Phil. I’m on my way to a quest for truth. My only companions are my trusty dog, Clancy, and the comforting sounds of my yodeling. [ he yodels ]

The Falconer: Nooooooo!!!! More rocks!!!

[ cut to stock footage of an avalance ] [ cut back to The Falconer and The Dogger semi-buried together under a greater pile of rocks, as more crash down behind them ]

The Falconer: Oh, that was a great idea! Ohhh!!

The Dogger: No need to get snippy. I’ll just send my dog Clancy to get help.

The Falconer: Oh, thanks, Phil. But never trust a dog to do a falcon’s work. Sure, Clancy can lend a hand, but Donald will take the lead.

The Dogger: We shall see. Go, Clancy! find a way to free us from this rock pile! Go! Go!

[ Clancy runs off ]

The Falconer: Be gone, Donald! Two lives hang in the balaaaaance!!!!

[ Donald clumsily flies off behind Clancy ] [ Donald and Clancy reach a crossroads, marked by a pair of signs pointing in opposite directions: “” ] [ Clancy runs offscreen to the right ]

Donald: [ in subtitles ] “Hey Clancy, where you goin’?”

Clancy: [ in subtitles ] “My master needs my help!”

Donald: [ in subtitles ] “Relax, be-otch! A couple extra hours ain’t going to kill ’em.”

Clancy: [ in subtitles ] “You’ve got a valid point. I mean, how often does the state fair come around? Not often enough. And I’m not missing it again. Lead on, my friend!”

[ they journey offscreen to the left ] [ dissolve to Donald and Clancy at a game booth filled with balloons – “3 darts got 25 cents” ]

Vendor: Step right up! Pop a balloon, win a prize. Step right up!

[ Clancy throws a dart, pops a balloon ] [ Donald throws a dart, pops the Vendor’s neck ]

Vendor: Owwww!!!

Donald: [ screeches ] [ dissolve to Donald and Clancy sharing cotton candy ] [ dissolve to photo booth; Donald Clancy go inside, as Donald closes the curtain ] [ photo montage: smiling for the camera, eyes covered, tonguing, Donald holding rabbit ears behind Clancy’s head ] [ dissolve to Pie Eating Contest, Clancy at the bottom of an empty pie pan as Donald and a contestant barely make a dent in their pies ] [ Clancy is given the blue ribbon after winning the contest ]

Contestant: Oh, man. Congratulations.

[ Clancy licks the contestant’s face ] [ dissolve to Donald and Clancy riding a roller coaster, their arms high in the air as Donald screeches; Clancy is apparently unfazed by the thrill of the ride ] [ dissolve to Donald and Clancy getting off the roller coaster; Donald pukes, while Clancy licks up the vomit ] [ dissolve back to The Falconer and The Dogger passing time as they wait in the rockpile for their faithful animal companions to return ]

The Dogger: — And that’s when I realized that smoked salmon and lox were the same thing.

The Falconer: That was an incredibly long story.

[ Donald’s screeching and Clancy’s barking mark their return ]

The Dogger: Clancy!

The Falconer: Donald!

The Dogger: Clancy! Oh!

The Falconer: Donald, you have returned!

The Dogger: Clancy —

[ the falcon puppet obediently perches upon The Falconer’s arm, but the real dog runs aimlessly about the set ]

The Falconer: Clancy’s back, too! He’s in the.. area!

The Dogger: Come here, boy! Clancy!

[ the dog continues to run aimlessly about the set ]

The Falconer: [ trying to finish the sketch ] Oh! Donald, you have returned! And you —

The Dogger: Clancy!

[ Luke Wilson stretches off-camera to pull the dog by its leash into the sketch ]

The Falconer: Oh! Donald, you have returned! And you brought a stick of dynamite!

The Dogger: Oh, perfect! We will place the dynamite between our bodies and these rocks, and the explosive power will free us! [ lights The Falconer’s stick of dynamite ]

The Falconer: Oh, Dogger – we’re the two luckiest men in the world! [ to Donald ] Donald! Someday, a calamity will befall me that.. even you won’t be able to save me from! But, until that day, you will be the falcon.. and I shall remain..

[ dissolve to title card ] [ sound of dynamite exploding ]

The Falconer: Ohhhhh…

[ the title card shakes from the explosion ]

Announcer: The Falconer!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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