Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 6
Steve’s Date…..Amy Poehler
Jeff’s Date…..Maya Rudolph
[open on restaurant exterior with lit sign: “T. Mackeys”]
[dissolve to interior, with four people sitting at a table]
Steve’s Date: …so I said, “Parasailing? Are you out of your mind?”
[waiter arrives with appetizer platter]
Jeff: Uh-oh! The food’s here! Make room, everybody.
Steve: All right, this looks wonderful! Yeah.
Jeff’s Date: So tell me again: You two have really known each other since pre-school?
Steve: Yep, yep. We’ve been best buds since…
Jeff: …we were in underoos.
Steve: See? See? This guy finishes…
Jeff: …my sentences!
[Jeff and Steve laugh]
Steve: Come here, you. [they hug]
Both Women: Awwwww!
Jeff’s Date: Look at those two! It is so sweet!
Steve’s Date: I know. All I do with my best girlfriends is argue and talk about them behind their back.
Jeff’s Date: Yeah.
Jeff: So, what are we waiting for? Let’s dig in!
Steve’s Date: Okay!
[all begin eating and making appreciative eating sounds]
Steve: Oh, this empanada is out of this world!
Jeff: You know, I’m not an empanda fan?
All: What? Really?!
Steve: Now, be honest; have you ever tried an empanada?
Jeff: [points at Steve] You got me! I haven’t.
Steve: All right, all right. Well, here we go. Try one.
Steve: [lifts an empanada from the tray] Well, here, try that.
[Steve feeds the empanada directly into Jeff’s mouth]
Jeff: [makes “mmmmm” sound] Boy, that is tasty. [Jeff’s date smiles benignly, while Steve’s date eyes the men warily] Can I try it with a little sauce?
Steve: Hell, yeah! You gotta try the tapenade.
Jeff: Let me try that.
Steve: [dips an empanada in tapenade and brings it to Jeff’s mouth] Oh-oh-oh! [puts his hand under Jeff’s chin to prevent the tapenade from dripping]
Jeff: [makes “mmmmm” sounds] Yeah, my man! That is good!
Jeff’s Date: [trying to sound breezy while Steve’s date forces a smile] I didn’t know you’d never tried an empanada, honey.
[Jeff continues to eat from Steve’s hand, and doesn’t respond]
Jeff’s Date: [tucks her tongue into her cheek and continues] So, I’m so glad you guys finally made it out to Denver.
Steve’s Date: Yeah! “Mile-High City.”
Jeff’s Date: Yeah.
Steve: Man, what did I tell you?
Jeff: Damn, that empanada was good!
Jeff: It’s like a fried pie, but it’s got meat in it. You want to try it?
Steve: Hell, yeah! But dip it in that salsa there.
Jeff: As directed, my man. [dips an empanada in salsa] As directed. [brings the empanada to Steve’s mouth, putting his hand under Steve’s chin]
Steve: [closes his eyes] All right.
Jeff: [accidentally smears some salsa on Steve’s chin] Oh, oops, you got a little on your chin.
Steve: Oh, where?
Jeff: Right there brother. I got it. [uses the empanada to wipe the salsa from Steve’s chin]
Steve: Damn good, my man.
Jeff’s Date: You know what? I’d like to try one of those empanadas, too. [leans over the table and opens her mouth expectantly]
Jeff: What’s wrong with you–your arms broken? They’re right there, babe. Man, that’s good stuff. [pats Steve on the back]
Steve: That is good stuff. Here you go, my friend.
Jeff: Oh, thank you.
[Jeff and Steve continue to feed each other while making “mmmmm” sounds]
Jeff’s Date: So, Jeff tells me you’re district manager for Petland Discounts.
Steve’s Date: [detachedly] Uh, yeah, well, kind of. I run their distribution center.
Jeff’s Date: [weakly] Yeah, that sounds good.
Steve’s Date: Yeah.
Jeff: Hey, buddy, toss me one of them shrimps?
Steve: You want me to hook you up with some of that duck sauce?
Jeff: Hells, yeah.
[dips his index finger in the duck sauce] Why don’t you give it a try first, my friend? [holds his finger up to Jeff’s mouth]
Jeff: I’ll give it a little try. [puts his hand on Steve’s upper wrist, and licks Steve’s finger, shrugs, and licks again] It’s tangy but sweet. [Jeff’s and Steve’s dates are looking on in rapt horror] Actually it tastes more like a honey dijon than a duck sauce. I’m not sure if I like it.
Steve: Take your time, man. Figure it out.
Jeff: Not sure. [grasps Steve’s hand and takes Steve’s entire finger into his mouth while their dates fidget and look away from the men] Yeah, man, you’re right.
Steve’s Date: Uh, so, uh, Steve tells me that you work at a gym.
Jeff’s Date: [flatly] Yeah, uh, yeah, I teach pilates.
Steve’s Date: [dismissively] Yeah, that’s interesting.
Jeff’s Date: Uh-huh.
Jeff: Hey, you know what is looking real good right now?
Jeff: That Thai chicken skewer.
Steve: Oh, well bro, here it comes. You’re about to take a chicken rod to Thailand. [makes train whistle sound and pumps arm]
Jeff: Oh, this guy.
Steve: Put it there, brother-man.
[lifts the skewer and puts the tip into Jeff’s mouth]
Jeff: Mmmmm–oh! Oh, that is hot!
Jeff: That is too hot! [fans his mouth]
Steve: Like, heat hot or spice hot? [more emphatically] Heat hot or spice hot?!
Jeff’s Date: Honey, are you okay?
Steve: You stay out of this! Heat hot or spice hot?!
Jeff: Both! Both! Both!
Steve: Well, spit it out! [cups his hands in front of Jeff’s mouth] Just spit it out!
Jeff: No, it’s too hot! It’s gonna burn your hands, buddy! [taps Steve’s hands for emphasis]
Steve: No, no, I got you bro! I got you covered!
[Jeff spits the meat into Steve’s hands]
Steve: Oh, there you go. There you go.
Jeff: Oh, man.
Steve: Oh, it’s okay. Hey, hey, here you go. [gets an ice cube from his glass and brings it to Jeff’s mouth] There you go.
Jeff: [licking the ice] It was so scary man. It’s hot as hell, bro.
Steve: I know, let it out. Let it out! [Jeff puts his hand on Steve’s shoulder and rubs it while Steve rubs Jeff’s back] I know it can be scary when you burn your mouth on something hot.
Jeff: [continuing to lick the ice] Oh, man. You have no idea, bro.
Steve: Yes, it can. Yeah. I’m here. Shhhhh. I’m here. I’m here for you, all right? [looks to the other side of the table and finds it empty] Hey, where did the girls go?
Jeff: Uh, no idea man. No idea. But how about we finish the rest of the margarita? How does that sound?
Steve: Hells, yeah.
Jeff: Good idea.
[they lick the salt from the rim of the glass and begin drinking from the glass at the same time]
[music out: “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You” by Michael Bolton]
[fade to black]
Submitted by: DavidK93