SNL Transcripts: Luke Wilson: 11/20/04: The Restaurant


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 6

04f: Luke Wilson / U2

The Restaurant

Steve’s Date…..Amy Poehler
Jeff…..Luke Wilson
Steve…..Rob Riggle
Jeff’s Date…..Maya Rudolph
Waiter…..Will Forte

[open on restaurant exterior with lit sign: “T. Mackeys”] [dissolve to interior, with four people sitting at a table]

Steve’s Date: …so I said, “Parasailing? Are you out of your mind?”

[all laugh] [waiter arrives with appetizer platter]

Jeff: Uh-oh! The food’s here! Make room, everybody.

Steve: All right, this looks wonderful! Yeah.

Jeff’s Date: So tell me again: You two have really known each other since pre-school?

Steve: Yep, yep. We’ve been best buds since…

Jeff: …we were in underoos.

Steve: See? See? This guy finishes…

Jeff: …my sentences!

[Jeff and Steve laugh]

Steve: Come here, you. [they hug]

Both Women: Awwwww!

Jeff’s Date: Look at those two! It is so sweet!

Steve’s Date: I know. All I do with my best girlfriends is argue and talk about them behind their back.

Jeff’s Date: Yeah.

Jeff: So, what are we waiting for? Let’s dig in!

Steve: Yeah!

Steve’s Date: Okay!

[all begin eating and making appreciative eating sounds]

Steve: Oh, this empanada is out of this world!

Jeff: You know, I’m not an empanda fan?

All: What? Really?!

Steve: Now, be honest; have you ever tried an empanada?

Jeff: [points at Steve] You got me! I haven’t.

Steve: All right, all right. Well, here we go. Try one.

Jeff: Okay.

Steve: [lifts an empanada from the tray] Well, here, try that.

[Steve feeds the empanada directly into Jeff’s mouth]

Jeff: [makes “mmmmm” sound] Boy, that is tasty. [Jeff’s date smiles benignly, while Steve’s date eyes the men warily] Can I try it with a little sauce?

Steve: Hell, yeah! You gotta try the tapenade.

Jeff: Let me try that.

Steve: [dips an empanada in tapenade and brings it to Jeff’s mouth] Oh-oh-oh! [puts his hand under Jeff’s chin to prevent the tapenade from dripping]

Jeff: [makes “mmmmm” sounds] Yeah, my man! That is good!

Jeff’s Date: [trying to sound breezy while Steve’s date forces a smile] I didn’t know you’d never tried an empanada, honey.

[Jeff continues to eat from Steve’s hand, and doesn’t respond]

Jeff’s Date: [tucks her tongue into her cheek and continues] So, I’m so glad you guys finally made it out to Denver.

Steve’s Date: Yeah! “Mile-High City.”

Jeff’s Date: Yeah.

Steve: Man, what did I tell you?

Jeff: Damn, that empanada was good!

Steve: Yeah.

Jeff: It’s like a fried pie, but it’s got meat in it. You want to try it?

Steve: Hell, yeah! But dip it in that salsa there.

Jeff: As directed, my man. [dips an empanada in salsa] As directed. [brings the empanada to Steve’s mouth, putting his hand under Steve’s chin]

Steve: [closes his eyes] All right.

Jeff: [accidentally smears some salsa on Steve’s chin] Oh, oops, you got a little on your chin.

Steve: Oh, where?

Jeff: Right there brother. I got it. [uses the empanada to wipe the salsa from Steve’s chin]

Steve: Damn good, my man.

Jeff’s Date: You know what? I’d like to try one of those empanadas, too. [leans over the table and opens her mouth expectantly]

Jeff: What’s wrong with you–your arms broken? They’re right there, babe. Man, that’s good stuff. [pats Steve on the back]

Steve: That is good stuff. Here you go, my friend.

Jeff: Oh, thank you.

[Jeff and Steve continue to feed each other while making “mmmmm” sounds]

Jeff’s Date: So, Jeff tells me you’re district manager for Petland Discounts.

Steve’s Date: [detachedly] Uh, yeah, well, kind of. I run their distribution center.

Jeff’s Date: [weakly] Yeah, that sounds good.

Steve’s Date: Yeah.

Jeff: Hey, buddy, toss me one of them shrimps?

Steve: You want me to hook you up with some of that duck sauce?

Jeff: Hells, yeah.

[dips his index finger in the duck sauce] Why don’t you give it a try first, my friend? [holds his finger up to Jeff’s mouth]

Jeff: I’ll give it a little try. [puts his hand on Steve’s upper wrist, and licks Steve’s finger, shrugs, and licks again] It’s tangy but sweet. [Jeff’s and Steve’s dates are looking on in rapt horror] Actually it tastes more like a honey dijon than a duck sauce. I’m not sure if I like it.

Steve: Take your time, man. Figure it out.

Jeff: Not sure. [grasps Steve’s hand and takes Steve’s entire finger into his mouth while their dates fidget and look away from the men] Yeah, man, you’re right.

Steve’s Date: Uh, so, uh, Steve tells me that you work at a gym.

Jeff’s Date: [flatly] Yeah, uh, yeah, I teach pilates.

Steve’s Date: [dismissively] Yeah, that’s interesting.

Jeff’s Date: Uh-huh.

Jeff: Hey, you know what is looking real good right now?

Steve: What?

Jeff: That Thai chicken skewer.

Steve: Oh, well bro, here it comes. You’re about to take a chicken rod to Thailand. [makes train whistle sound and pumps arm]

Jeff: Oh, this guy.

Steve: Put it there, brother-man.

[lifts the skewer and puts the tip into Jeff’s mouth]

Jeff: Mmmmm–oh! Oh, that is hot!

Steve: What?

Jeff: That is too hot! [fans his mouth]

Steve: Like, heat hot or spice hot? [more emphatically] Heat hot or spice hot?!

Jeff’s Date: Honey, are you okay?

Steve: You stay out of this! Heat hot or spice hot?!

Jeff: Both! Both! Both!

Steve: Well, spit it out! [cups his hands in front of Jeff’s mouth] Just spit it out!

Jeff: No, it’s too hot! It’s gonna burn your hands, buddy! [taps Steve’s hands for emphasis]

Steve: No, no, I got you bro! I got you covered!

[Jeff spits the meat into Steve’s hands]

Steve: Oh, there you go. There you go.

Jeff: Oh, man.

Steve: Oh, it’s okay. Hey, hey, here you go. [gets an ice cube from his glass and brings it to Jeff’s mouth] There you go.

Jeff: [licking the ice] It was so scary man. It’s hot as hell, bro.

Steve: I know, let it out. Let it out! [Jeff puts his hand on Steve’s shoulder and rubs it while Steve rubs Jeff’s back] I know it can be scary when you burn your mouth on something hot.

Jeff: [continuing to lick the ice] Oh, man. You have no idea, bro.

Steve: Yes, it can. Yeah. I’m here. Shhhhh. I’m here. I’m here for you, all right? [looks to the other side of the table and finds it empty] Hey, where did the girls go?

Jeff: Uh, no idea man. No idea. But how about we finish the rest of the margarita? How does that sound?

Steve: Hells, yeah.

Jeff: Good idea.

[they lick the salt from the rim of the glass and begin drinking from the glass at the same time] [music out: “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You” by Michael Bolton] [fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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