SNL Transcripts: Luke Wilson: 11/20/04: Coolest Teacher At Benton Township High School


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 6

04f: Luke Wilson / U2

Coolest Teacher At Benton Township High School

Mr. J…..Seth Meyers
Gino…..Horatio Sanz
Kelly…..Amy Poehler
Wally…..Kenan Thompson
Fred…..Fred Armisen
Phil/Mr. Gruber…..Luke Wilson
Principal…..Chris Parnell

[ open on exterior, Benton Township High School ] [ dissolve to interior, Mr. J’s classroom, as the bell rings and the students rush in ]

Mr. J: Gino! How are you, my man! Okay, good to see you. Kelly! There’s my volleyball star! Wally, can I get a word with you?

Wally: Oh, uh, you know, if this is about my paper, I’ll have it by Friday, I promise.

Mr. J: Take it easy, dawg! I just wanted ot thank you for the recommendation on the Snoop album, it was totally dope! Anyways, I’ve got a friend at the radio station, and he came through with.. a couple of tickets. [ shows Wally the tickets ]

Wally: Oh, man! Mr. J, you’re the coolest teacher in school!

[ zoom on Mr. J’s face as he smirks playfully for the camera ] [ cut to opening montage over jingle ]

“He sits backwards in his chair
He throws out his hand.
Another party in the woods,
He’s totally there!
He’s Mr. J!
The Coolest Teacher at Benton Township High School!”

[ dissolve back to the class in session ]

Mr. J: So that’s why I decided you’re all getting A’s. The assignment was to write about yourself, and any teacher who tells you how to write about you is full of B.S. And I think we all know what those two letters stand for.

Class: Yeah!!

Wally: I do know what those letters stand for!

Mr. J: Wally, I love it!

Phil: [ knocks on the open door ] Hey. I’m looking for, uh, Room 325.

Mr. J: Oh, I’ve seen that look before. New student, am I right?

Phil: Actually, I’m the new history teacher, dude.

Mr. J: Oh? Oh, you must be Mr. Roberts. I’m Mr. Jenkins, but the kids call me Mr. J!

Phil: Oh, what are you, like, the so-called “cool” teacher?

Mr. J: Is it that obvious?

Phil: Yeah, that tie’s really dope. [ to the class ] Uh, hey, guys, my name’s Mr. Roberts, but you can call me Phil. I don’t really dig last names.

Kelly: Wow! He told us his first name!

[ the rest of the class is equally impressed ]

Phil: And, homies, I’ve got a news flash for ya’: you used to be the cool teacher here.

[ cut to new opening montage over jingle ]

“He doesn’t believe in his task
He goes hiking in the wild
He shot a nature movie with a ladies’ bare breast!
He’s Mr. – what’s that?!
He don’t dig last names.
He’s Phil!
The New Coolest Teacher in the School!”

[ dissolve back to the classroom ]

Mr. J: Sorry about the mix-up there, Phil, but, to be honest, you don’t really dress much like a teacher.

Phil: Hey, I dress like a human being. How people deal with it is their problem. Am I right, guys?

Gino: Yeah! He’s being a human being!

Mr. J: Gino, calm down.

Gino: You always said say how you feel! Yeah? Well, I feel like I’m in prison! This is worse than Nazi Germany!

Phil: Hey, I got a question for ya’, Mr. J. Can you tell me what all these pre-adults are doing in this stuffy classroom, when it’s so damn beautiful outside?

Kelly: [ impressed ] Did you guys hear that? He called us “pre-adults”! He respects us too much to call us kids!

Fred: And he said “damn!”

Mr. J: Hey, I say “damn.” Remember that time I slammed my finger in the drawer, and I used the S-word? Come on! You guys remember, it was — [ a book is thrown at him ] Hey! Hey!

Phil: Let me yell ya’ a little bit about my class: no grades, no tests, no papers. We just talk about history. About love, about life. ‘Cause that’s education! Also: I don’t sit at a desk, and neither do you. I don’t believe in them. I think desks are cages, but with chairs attached and a place to put your pencil.

Class: Yeah!

Gino: Whoo-hoo, yeah! No desks!!

[ Horatio Sanz tosses his desk out the back window, bumping it into the fake styrofoam wall behind them. The audience cracks up at the near-blooper; Luke Wilson is clearly astonished as well. ]

Mr. J: Gino, I’m gonna ask that you cool it way down!

Gino: I’m gonna ask you to loosen it up, okay? Mr.. J! Because! Mr. Phil’s the cool guy now! [ cracks up ]

Phil: Hey, dude, it’s just Phil. And, you’re right – you should be cool like me! Yeah.

Mr. J: Hey! I am cool! I’ll have you know I took this whole class to see a production of “Hair”!

Phil: [ laughing ] Really? My grandma loves that play!

[ the class laughs at Mr. J, as Phil pops a can of beer ]

Wally: Hey, he’s drinking a beer in class! That’s awesome!

Mr. J: [ unimpressed ] It’s 8:20 in the morning.

Phil: Hey! You should drink a beer, too, bro! [ tosses a beer to Wally ] If you’re old enough to vote, in my book, that means you’re old enough to vote! Cheers!

Class: Yeah!! Alright!!

Mr. J: No, no, he’s not right! You guys are sophomores! The only people old enough to drink in this room are me and him and Gino.

[ without having been tossed one, Gino pops open a beer and kicks it back ]

Phil: Wow. Yeah, you really love labeling people. If you love labels so much, maybe you should marry one! [ laughs ] [ the class laughs along with Phil ]

Kelly: Yeah! You should go marry your labels!

Mr. J: [ trying not to crack himself up ] Alright. I’m sorry to have let you guys down. But I promised myself that I would leave if I ever started to bum you out, so.. I guess I’ll just be going..

[ suddenly, the Principal runs into the classroom with a pair of policemen ]

Principal: That’s him, Officers! That’s the imposter!

Mr. J: Imposter? No, that’s Mr. Roberts, the new History teacher.

Principal: No! Actually, he’s not! [ pulls off Phil’s wig ]

Mr. J: Mr. Gruber!! The science teacher!!

Kelly: What?! He’s the meanest teacher in school!

[ close-up of Mr. Gruber’s sneer ]

Mr. Gruber: And I almost got away with it, too! Well, at least for one day, I was cooler than you, Mr. J!

Principal: Well.. we’ll let you get back to your class.

Mr. Gruber: Just because I’m going to jail, doesn’t mean you’re not having tests on Monday! And, Gino, you still need a B to graduate!

[ Mr. Gruber is dragged out of the classroom ]

Wally: Wow. Sorry about that, Mr. J. You’re still gonna take us camping?

Mr. J: Of course, I will, Wally. Of course I will.

Kelly: Are you still gonna take me to get my abortion?

Mr. J: With a smile on my face!

[ close-up of Mr. J’s fresh-faced smile ]

“He’s Mr. J!
The Coolest Teacher at Benton Township High School!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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