Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 6
Coolest Teacher At Benton Township High School
Mr. J…..Seth Meyers
Phil/Mr. Gruber…..Luke Wilson
[ open on exterior, Benton Township High School ]
[ dissolve to interior, Mr. J’s classroom, as the bell rings and the students rush in ]
Mr. J: Gino! How are you, my man! Okay, good to see you. Kelly! There’s my volleyball star! Wally, can I get a word with you?
Wally: Oh, uh, you know, if this is about my paper, I’ll have it by Friday, I promise.
Mr. J: Take it easy, dawg! I just wanted ot thank you for the recommendation on the Snoop album, it was totally dope! Anyways, I’ve got a friend at the radio station, and he came through with.. a couple of tickets. [ shows Wally the tickets ]
Wally: Oh, man! Mr. J, you’re the coolest teacher in school!
[ zoom on Mr. J’s face as he smirks playfully for the camera ]
[ cut to opening montage over jingle ]
“He sits backwards in his chair
He throws out his hand.
Another party in the woods,
He’s totally there!
He’s Mr. J!
The Coolest Teacher at Benton Township High School!”
[ dissolve back to the class in session ]
Mr. J: So that’s why I decided you’re all getting A’s. The assignment was to write about yourself, and any teacher who tells you how to write about you is full of B.S. And I think we all know what those two letters stand for.
Wally: I do know what those letters stand for!
Mr. J: Wally, I love it!
Phil: [ knocks on the open door ] Hey. I’m looking for, uh, Room 325.
Mr. J: Oh, I’ve seen that look before. New student, am I right?
Phil: Actually, I’m the new history teacher, dude.
Mr. J: Oh? Oh, you must be Mr. Roberts. I’m Mr. Jenkins, but the kids call me Mr. J!
Phil: Oh, what are you, like, the so-called “cool” teacher?
Mr. J: Is it that obvious?
Phil: Yeah, that tie’s really dope. [ to the class ] Uh, hey, guys, my name’s Mr. Roberts, but you can call me Phil. I don’t really dig last names.
Kelly: Wow! He told us his first name!
[ the rest of the class is equally impressed ]
Phil: And, homies, I’ve got a news flash for ya’: you used to be the cool teacher here.
[ cut to new opening montage over jingle ]
“He doesn’t believe in his task
He goes hiking in the wild
He shot a nature movie with a ladies’ bare breast!
He’s Mr. – what’s that?!
He don’t dig last names.
The New Coolest Teacher in the School!”
[ dissolve back to the classroom ]
Mr. J: Sorry about the mix-up there, Phil, but, to be honest, you don’t really dress much like a teacher.
Phil: Hey, I dress like a human being. How people deal with it is their problem. Am I right, guys?
Gino: Yeah! He’s being a human being!
Mr. J: Gino, calm down.
Gino: You always said say how you feel! Yeah? Well, I feel like I’m in prison! This is worse than Nazi Germany!
Phil: Hey, I got a question for ya’, Mr. J. Can you tell me what all these pre-adults are doing in this stuffy classroom, when it’s so damn beautiful outside?
Kelly: [ impressed ] Did you guys hear that? He called us “pre-adults”! He respects us too much to call us kids!
Fred: And he said “damn!”
Mr. J: Hey, I say “damn.” Remember that time I slammed my finger in the drawer, and I used the S-word? Come on! You guys remember, it was — [ a book is thrown at him ] Hey! Hey!
Phil: Let me yell ya’ a little bit about my class: no grades, no tests, no papers. We just talk about history. About love, about life. ‘Cause that’s education! Also: I don’t sit at a desk, and neither do you. I don’t believe in them. I think desks are cages, but with chairs attached and a place to put your pencil.
Gino: Whoo-hoo, yeah! No desks!!
[ Horatio Sanz tosses his desk out the back window, bumping it into the fake styrofoam wall behind them. The audience cracks up at the near-blooper; Luke Wilson is clearly astonished as well. ]
Mr. J: Gino, I’m gonna ask that you cool it way down!
Gino: I’m gonna ask you to loosen it up, okay? Mr.. J! Because! Mr. Phil’s the cool guy now! [ cracks up ]
Phil: Hey, dude, it’s just Phil. And, you’re right – you should be cool like me! Yeah.
Mr. J: Hey! I am cool! I’ll have you know I took this whole class to see a production of “Hair”!
Phil: [ laughing ] Really? My grandma loves that play!
[ the class laughs at Mr. J, as Phil pops a can of beer ]
Wally: Hey, he’s drinking a beer in class! That’s awesome!
Mr. J: [ unimpressed ] It’s 8:20 in the morning.
Phil: Hey! You should drink a beer, too, bro! [ tosses a beer to Wally ] If you’re old enough to vote, in my book, that means you’re old enough to vote! Cheers!
Class: Yeah!! Alright!!
Mr. J: No, no, he’s not right! You guys are sophomores! The only people old enough to drink in this room are me and him and Gino.
[ without having been tossed one, Gino pops open a beer and kicks it back ]
Phil: Wow. Yeah, you really love labeling people. If you love labels so much, maybe you should marry one! [ laughs ]
[ the class laughs along with Phil ]
Kelly: Yeah! You should go marry your labels!
Mr. J: [ trying not to crack himself up ] Alright. I’m sorry to have let you guys down. But I promised myself that I would leave if I ever started to bum you out, so.. I guess I’ll just be going..
[ suddenly, the Principal runs into the classroom with a pair of policemen ]
Principal: That’s him, Officers! That’s the imposter!
Mr. J: Imposter? No, that’s Mr. Roberts, the new History teacher.
Principal: No! Actually, he’s not! [ pulls off Phil’s wig ]
Mr. J: Mr. Gruber!! The science teacher!!
Kelly: What?! He’s the meanest teacher in school!
[ close-up of Mr. Gruber’s sneer ]
Mr. Gruber: And I almost got away with it, too! Well, at least for one day, I was cooler than you, Mr. J!
Principal: Well.. we’ll let you get back to your class.
Mr. Gruber: Just because I’m going to jail, doesn’t mean you’re not having tests on Monday! And, Gino, you still need a B to graduate!
[ Mr. Gruber is dragged out of the classroom ]
Wally: Wow. Sorry about that, Mr. J. You’re still gonna take us camping?
Mr. J: Of course, I will, Wally. Of course I will.
Kelly: Are you still gonna take me to get my abortion?
Mr. J: With a smile on my face!
[ close-up of Mr. J’s fresh-faced smile ]
“He’s Mr. J!
The Coolest Teacher at Benton Township High School!”
[ fade ]