SNL Transcripts: Colin Farrell: 12/11/04

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 7

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

December 11th, 2004

Colin Farrell

Scissor Sisters


Lindsay Lohan

Brett Hull

John Lutz
Kuwait BriefingSummary: Donald Rumsfeld (Darrell Hammond) jerks the troops in Kuwait around while delivering a briefing.

Recurring Characters: Donald Rumsfeld.



Colin Farrell’s MonologueSummary: Colin Farrell shows SNL’s male cast members how to pick up on Lindsay Lohan.

Bio: Colin Farrell (1976-). Irish-born actor; films include “Phone Booth” (2002), “Minority Report” (2002), and “The Recruit” (2003).

Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo RemoverSummary: Dr. Edward Turlington’s (Chris Parnell) lotion erases Mom’s (Amy Poehler) youthful attempts at coolness.

Note: Repeat from 03r.

Big Roach ProblemSummary: After bringing his date (Amy Poehler) back to his apartment, a man (Colin Farrell) must dispose of a big roach (Horatio Sanz).


¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!Summary: Ferecito (Fred Armisen) interviews Bono (Colin Farrell).

Recurring Characters: Ferecito, Manuel Pantalones, Bono.


Airport SecuritySummary: A female security officer (Amy Poehler) feels up a handsome man (Colin Farrell) under the guise of national security.


Scissor Sisters perform “Take Your Mama”Bio: Gender-bender rockers from New York; members: singers Jake Shears and Ana Matronic, keyboardist/bassist Babydaddy, guitarists Del Marquis and Derek G, and drummer Paddy Boom.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Hockey star Brett Hull gives his thoughts on the hockey lockout and gay marriage in Canada. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler announce that they are mentoring Lindsay Lohan over the Christmas holidays. Colin Farrell gives a tongue-in-cheek review of “Alexander.”

Bio: Brett Hull (1964-). Athlete; National Hockey League player; son of hockey player Bobby Hull, and nephew of hockey player Dennis Hull; Stanley Cup winner as member of the Red Wings in 2002.


Key PartySummary: A quintent of weird couples participate in a wife-swap party.

Note: Seth Meyers would later pitch this sketch idea to Paramount Studios as a feature-length film to be produced by Lorne Michaels and Broadway Video.


Human Interest StorySummary: A reporter (Colin Farrell) tries to interview a window-washer (Kenan Thompson) on a shaky scaffold.

Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks, & Knick Knack ShackSummary: Pat (Horatio Sanz) and Patti’s (Maya Rudolph) merchandising is based on a rhyme-scheme.

Recurring Characters: Pat, Patti.


Scissor Sisters perform “Comfortably Numb”

Merv the PervSummary: Merv (Chris Parnell) and his British cousin (Colin Farrell) hit on women at the office Christmas party.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

Note: This sketch was originally written as a Halloween party for the Jude Law episode, but was cut after dress rehearsal.




Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Oil RigSummary: Workers on an oil rig are revealed to be actors playing the part.

“The Apprentice” PromoSummary: While dressed as Santa Claus, Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) records a new promo for “The Apprentice.”

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.

Note: This sketch will air in next week’s episode hosted by Robert De Niro.

Bear CitySummary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.

OprahSummary: Oprah Winfrey (Maya Rudolph) interviews the cast of “Ocean’s 12”, making other Colin Farrell feel out of place.

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey.

Bear CitySummary: In a pinch, a bear uses the handicapped toilet, only to be confronted by a bear in a wheelchair.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by David Spade.

Tom Brokaw, RetireeSummary: Tom Brokaw (Chris Parnell) enjoys retired life and calls Brian Williams (Seth Meyers) to say hello.

Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Brian Williams

Bear CitySummary: Christian bears accidentally sing Christmas carols for a Jewish bear household.

Note: This short film will air in next week’s episode hosted by Robert De Niro.

Drunk DialingSummary: Colin Farrell warns against making drunken crank calls on their cell phones.

Bear CitySummary: A bear has difficulty putting up Christmas lights on his house.

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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