Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 7
Old Woman…..Rachel Dratch
Male Traveler…..Fred Armisen
Security Guard #1…..Finesse Mitchell
Security Guard #2…..Rob Riggle
[open on airport runway] [dissolve to security checkpoint with indistinct announcements audible over PA system]
Man: Holiday travel. What a bitch, right?
Old Woman: Last year, they checked for explosives in my wig.
Karen: Can you step forward, please, sir? [man steps forward, and the metal detector beeps] Okay, I’m going to have to ask you to step over here, please, sir.
Man: Yeah, okay, but can we hurry this up? I think my flight’s boarding.
Karen: Sir, we can’t hurry safety, okay? I’m going to ask you to stand, feet shoulder width apart. Put your arms straight out and palms up.[man assumes this position, and Karen moves a wand around his body, producing a loud electronic sound]
Man: That must be that metal plate in my head.
Karen: Wait a minute, sir, is that a joke?
Man: Yeah, it is.
Karen: Yeah, we take jokes very seriously here. Okay, I’m going to have to conduct a body search.
Man: All right.
Karen: Are you comfortable with me doing a body search?
Man: I think so.
Karen: Would you rather have a male officer do the body search?
Man: Is there one around?
Karen: I can get one.
Man: How long will that take? [puts his hands in his pockets]
Karen: Forty-five minutes to an hour.
Man: Okay, never mind, you can do the body search.
Karen: Okay, here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to pat you down with my hands over your clothes. When I get to a sensitive area, I’m going to be using only the back of my hand. Back of my hand. Back of my hand only. [gestures from the back of each hand to the other] Are you comfortable with this?
Man: Yeah, I think so.
Karen: May I approach you at this time?
Man: Yes, please, I’m very late.
Karen: I’m going to start sir, just by–arms out, please [man raises his arms again]–I’m just going to start by checking your arms, checking your arms, using the back of my hand. [does so] Very official, okay? And, just your chest. Checking your chest, only with the back of my hand. [does so]
Man: Hey, you don’t have to explain every time.
Karen: Sir, yes, yes I do. Okay, all right. I want you to turn around and I’m going to check your back pockets, sir, again using only the back of my hand. [does so] So, just checking the back pockets, checking it with the back of the hand, and now I’m going to use the front of my hand. [gently grasps his buttock] Okay, sir, and then I need to use the front of both my hands, sir, just for a second, all right. Sir, I feel something, okay, so, very professional here, just standard procedure, I’m going to have to grab, grab and squeeze that area, grab it and squeeze it, sir. [does so] All right, still very professional, just grabbing and squeezing. And to confirm that you’re all clear, sir, just one final pinch, and– [pinches man’s buttocks, and he jumps]
Man: Great, so I’m all done?
Karen: Sir, I wish, okay. I’m going to need to search your lower torso with my inner thigh. Stand here please, sir. [straddles him in a standing position] Just standard operating procedure, official business. Do you have any tattoos, sir?
Man: Yeah, is that a problem?
Karen: Not for me. Okay, sir, I’m just going to pat down your area here. [places her hands under his crotch]
Man: Okay, look, now I’m uncomfortable with this.
Karen: Well, that’s perfect timing, because we’re done, sir.
Man: Okay, so I’ll just grab my bag.
Karen: With the first half of the body search, okay. Could you sit down for me, sir, please? [indicates a set of chairs]
Man: For the love of Pete, I’m afraid I’m going to miss me flight!
Karen: And I’m afraid you’re a security threat. A sexy, charming, security threat. Have a seat, sir. [he does so] Lift your right foot, please? [he does so] Great, and your left. [he does so] Okay, sir, thank you, you can put your foot down. I’m just going to take a seat on your lap here. [does so] Sir, again, using only the back of my hand, I am going to search up your shirt. [sticks her arm up his shirt at the waist] Patting, patting. And I am going to gently rub my hand through your hair, sir. [does so] And then with the back of my hand I’m just going to trace the outline of your face. [touches his cheek and mouth] All right, just going against the grain of your beard.
Man: What are you looking for?
Karen: Sir, could you not talk, please? It kind of ruins it for me.
Man: [shocked] What?![male traveler walks through the metal detector, setting it off, and he looks expectantly at Karen]
Karen: [indifferently] What?
Male Traveler: Don’t you have to search me?
Karen: Oh, yeah. Come here. [grazingly touches his chest and stomach in two or three places] Yeah, you’re good.
Man: [indignantly] Okay, now that was ridiculous!
Karen: Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to be quiet, and maintain eye contact with me at all times. Because, don’t forget, it’s just about you and me, buddy, all right? And my name is Karen, so if at any point you want to say my name and lick your lips, that’s totally cool with me. Just a security procedure, sir, and for the last thing what I need to do is I’m going to search the inside of your mouth with my mouth. [leans in to kiss him]
Man: Okay, that’s enough! I’m officially uncomfortable! [stands, causing Karen to fall from his lap] [two security guards arrive]
Security Guard #1: All right, Karen, let’s go. What are you doing?
Karen: I wasn’t doing anything! I was protecting these people!
Security Guard #2: Karen, you were fired three years ago. You can’t keep showing up and searching men.
Karen: Only using the back of my hand!
Security Guard #1: Let’s go. [leaves with Karen]
Man: Thank you, officer. Can I grab me bags now?
Security Guard #2: Yes, but first I’m going to have to ask you to go ahead and take your pants off and suck your thumb like a baby.[the man moves as if he’s about to lift his shirt to get at his pants, and then stops and looks at the security guard in puzzlement] [fade to black]
Submitted by: DavidK93