SNL Transcripts: Colin Farrell: 12/11/04: ¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 7

04g: Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters

¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!

Manuel…..Horatio Sanz
Fericito…..Fred Armison
Bono…..Colin Farrell

[We see a screen that says “Univision” and then we hear mariachi music playing as we see the words “Show Biz Grande Explosion” on the screen.]

Manuel: Welcome to Show Biz Grande Explosion! Here is your host, straight from Goofball Island…Fericito!

[Mariachi music plays, and Fericito runs out from behind a curtain.]

Fericito: Hey! Let’s get a beat going! C’mon. [Beats drum sticks together] Let’s hear it!

[He starts drumming. The crowd claps along.]

Fericito: Did you feel it?

Audience: Yeah!

Fericito: Did you feel it?

Audience: Yeah!

Fericito: All right. Did you hear about these baseball guys? Barry Bonds admitted to using eh-steroids. Hey Barry, the next time you get ‘roid rage, do what I do. Use Preparation H. [drums bah-dah-dah-ching] Aye Dios Mio!

Manuel: [laughing] Preparation H. That’s great.

Fericito: Manuel, do you even know what Preparation H is?

Manuel: [looks confused and caught off guard] Um, President Bush?

Fericito: President Bush?! Manuel is so dumb.

Manuel: How dumb is he?

Fericito: I’m talking about you! [motions at Manuel]

Manuel: Oh. How dumb is he?

Fericito: Manuel is so dumb; when he hears it’s chilly outside, he grabs a spoon! [drums bah-dah-dah-ching!] Aye Dios Mio!

Manuel: No chili on a show night. [laughs and points behind him at his bandmates] For these guys’ sake. [laughs, then whispers] Because of the fartalitos.

Fericito: [laughing] All right, give it up for Manuel Pantalones and His Mariachis.

[The band plays, Fericito sits down at his desk.]

Fericito: How was your weekend, Manuel?

Manuel: It was all right, you know. I wish I had better credit though.

Fericito: Manuel is so poor; he puts his cheeseburgers on layaway. [drums bah-dah-dah-ching!] Aye Dios Mio!

Manuel: [looks sad] That’s not cool man.

Fericito: [throws arms in the air] I’m just keeeeding!

Manuel: [laughs hard] Okay.

Fericito: My first guest is the lead singer for a group called U2. Please welcome Bono!

[Mariachi band plays, and Bono comes out from behind the curtain, shakes Fericito’s hand and does a little hop on one foot.]

Fericito: So Bono. What kind of a name is this? Are you a clown?

Bono: I’m many things. I’m a showman, a shaman, a madman, a sad man-

Fericito: [cuts Bono off mid-sentence] Okay, okay, I get it. Eh, why do you wear these uh-sunglasses?

Bono: Oh, you mean my shades?

Fericito: Yes. Is it too bright in here?

Bono: No.

Fericito: Are you blind?

Bono: No.

Fericito: Did you have surgery for cataracts?

Bono: [laughing] No.

Fericito: Did you have migraines?

Bono: No. [waves him off]

Manuel: Are you a California Raisin?

Bono: No.

Fericito: [looks irritated at Manuel] Manuel! I conduct the interviews, okay?! I’m sorry, Bono. That was very unprofessional. Are you cross-eyed?

Bono: No.

Fericito: Well, maybe we’ll never know. You are a mystery man, and I like that about you. Let me ask you about this thing you have here, the special iPod.

Bono: Yes. The lovely people at Apple have an exclusive iPod for U2. It can hold 5000 songs. It’s a beautiful thing.

Fericito: I agree. I have one myself. It is a special Fericito iPod from the people at Sanyo.

[Fericito holds up a cassette recorder with a microphone.]

Fericito: Look at this. It holds 15 songs, and [flips it over to display some wallet sized photos] look at that, your photos too.

Bono: Does your iPod have our songs on it?

Fericito: No, but I can download it right now.

[Fericito holds the microphone out to Bono.]

Fericito: You can sing into here, and you can do the song “Vertigo.”

Bono: I don’t have a band.

Fericito: That’s okay. I’ll play the drums.

[Bono takes the recorder and microphone and begins to sing “Vertigo.”]

Bono: Uno, dos, tres, quatorce-

Fericito: Hold it, hold on. [puts his hand up] Let’s think about this for a moment. Uh, the beginning of the song you are speaking Spanish, right? You are counting, and you say ‘Uno, dos, tres,’ which means…

Bono: One, two, three.

Fericito: Right. And then you say ‘quatorce,’ which means…

Bono: Fourteen [pointing slyly at Fericito like he’s so cool.]

Fericito: All right, so one, two, three, fourteen. Does that seem a little odd to you?

Bono: I know it doesn’t make sense, but music is about the expression and the rhythm of words. It’s about attitude.

Fericito: Senor Bono, the Spanish language is a very serious thing. To use it so carelessly is an insult to me and the entire Latin community! It’s just not professional!

Bono: [holds up the V/peace sign] Well, I’m deeply sorry. It was never my intention to offend anyone.

Fericito: Bono, [throws hand up] I’m just keeeeding!

Bono: [laughing] Aw, Fericito, man, you’re one of a kind, a true entertainer. Now, why don’t we rock this crowd? [U2’s “Vertigo” begins to play.]

Fericito: Let’s do it!

[They both jump up. The music is playing. Fericito is drumming, and Bono is dancing around singing as the scene ends.]

Submitted by: Nicole Sheldon

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