SNL Transcripts: Colin Farrell: 12/11/04: ¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 7




04g: Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters

¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!

Manuel…..Horatio Sanz
Fericito…..Fred Armison
Bono…..Colin Farrell

[We see a screen that says “Univision” and then we hear mariachi music playing as we see the words “Show Biz Grande Explosion” on the screen.]

Manuel: Welcome to Show Biz Grande Explosion! Here is your host, straight from Goofball Island…Fericito!

[Mariachi music plays, and Fericito runs out from behind a curtain.]

Fericito: Hey! Let’s get a beat going! C’mon. [Beats drum sticks together] Let’s hear it!

[He starts drumming. The crowd claps along.]

Fericito: Did you feel it?

Audience: Yeah!

Fericito: Did you feel it?

Audience: Yeah!

Fericito: All right. Did you hear about these baseball guys? Barry Bonds admitted to using eh-steroids. Hey Barry, the next time you get ‘roid rage, do what I do. Use Preparation H. [drums bah-dah-dah-ching] Aye Dios Mio!

Manuel: [laughing] Preparation H. That’s great.

Fericito: Manuel, do you even know what Preparation H is?

Manuel: [looks confused and caught off guard] Um, President Bush?

Fericito: President Bush?! Manuel is so dumb.

Manuel: How dumb is he?

Fericito: I’m talking about you! [motions at Manuel]

Manuel: Oh. How dumb is he?

Fericito: Manuel is so dumb; when he hears it’s chilly outside, he grabs a spoon! [drums bah-dah-dah-ching!] Aye Dios Mio!

Manuel: No chili on a show night. [laughs and points behind him at his bandmates] For these guys’ sake. [laughs, then whispers] Because of the fartalitos.

Fericito: [laughing] All right, give it up for Manuel Pantalones and His Mariachis.

[The band plays, Fericito sits down at his desk.]

Fericito: How was your weekend, Manuel?

Manuel: It was all right, you know. I wish I had better credit though.

Fericito: Manuel is so poor; he puts his cheeseburgers on layaway. [drums bah-dah-dah-ching!] Aye Dios Mio!

Manuel: [looks sad] That’s not cool man.

Fericito: [throws arms in the air] I’m just keeeeding!

Manuel: [laughs hard] Okay.

Fericito: My first guest is the lead singer for a group called U2. Please welcome Bono!

[Mariachi band plays, and Bono comes out from behind the curtain, shakes Fericito’s hand and does a little hop on one foot.]

Fericito: So Bono. What kind of a name is this? Are you a clown?

Bono: I’m many things. I’m a showman, a shaman, a madman, a sad man-

Fericito: [cuts Bono off mid-sentence] Okay, okay, I get it. Eh, why do you wear these uh-sunglasses?

Bono: Oh, you mean my shades?

Fericito: Yes. Is it too bright in here?

Bono: No.

Fericito: Are you blind?

Bono: No.

Fericito: Did you have surgery for cataracts?

Bono: [laughing] No.

Fericito: Did you have migraines?

Bono: No. [waves him off]

Manuel: Are you a California Raisin?

Bono: No.

Fericito: [looks irritated at Manuel] Manuel! I conduct the interviews, okay?! I’m sorry, Bono. That was very unprofessional. Are you cross-eyed?

Bono: No.

Fericito: Well, maybe we’ll never know. You are a mystery man, and I like that about you. Let me ask you about this thing you have here, the special iPod.

Bono: Yes. The lovely people at Apple have an exclusive iPod for U2. It can hold 5000 songs. It’s a beautiful thing.

Fericito: I agree. I have one myself. It is a special Fericito iPod from the people at Sanyo.

[Fericito holds up a cassette recorder with a microphone.]

Fericito: Look at this. It holds 15 songs, and [flips it over to display some wallet sized photos] look at that, your photos too.

Bono: Does your iPod have our songs on it?

Fericito: No, but I can download it right now.

[Fericito holds the microphone out to Bono.]

Fericito: You can sing into here, and you can do the song “Vertigo.”

Bono: I don’t have a band.

Fericito: That’s okay. I’ll play the drums.

[Bono takes the recorder and microphone and begins to sing “Vertigo.”]

Bono: Uno, dos, tres, quatorce-

Fericito: Hold it, hold on. [puts his hand up] Let’s think about this for a moment. Uh, the beginning of the song you are speaking Spanish, right? You are counting, and you say ‘Uno, dos, tres,’ which means…

Bono: One, two, three.

Fericito: Right. And then you say ‘quatorce,’ which means…

Bono: Fourteen [pointing slyly at Fericito like he’s so cool.]

Fericito: All right, so one, two, three, fourteen. Does that seem a little odd to you?

Bono: I know it doesn’t make sense, but music is about the expression and the rhythm of words. It’s about attitude.

Fericito: Senor Bono, the Spanish language is a very serious thing. To use it so carelessly is an insult to me and the entire Latin community! It’s just not professional!

Bono: [holds up the V/peace sign] Well, I’m deeply sorry. It was never my intention to offend anyone.

Fericito: Bono, [throws hand up] I’m just keeeeding!

Bono: [laughing] Aw, Fericito, man, you’re one of a kind, a true entertainer. Now, why don’t we rock this crowd? [U2’s “Vertigo” begins to play.]

Fericito: Let’s do it!

[They both jump up. The music is playing. Fericito is drumming, and Bono is dancing around singing as the scene ends.]

Submitted by: Nicole Sheldon

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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