SNL Transcripts: Colin Farrell: 12/11/04: Merv the Perv


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 6

04g: Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters

Merv the Perv

Boss…..Seth Meyers
Merv the Perv…..Chris Parnell
Amy…..Amy Poehler
Rachel…..Rachel Dratch
Maya…..Maya Rudolph
Steve the Skeeve…..Colin Farrell

[ open on exterior, office building ] [ dissolve to poster ] [ Poster reads: “Hesslebart & Minton CHRISTMAS PARTY 4PM Main Cinference Room” ] [ dissolve to interior, main conference room ]

Boss: Alright, everybody! Now that I have your attention, just a couple of quick announcements: We’ve had a great Fall quarter, here at Hesslebart & Minton. What do you say we keep it going into the new year, huh?

[ the employees cheer ]

Boss: Okay, okay, that’s enough business talk! I’m gonna go refill the egg nog bowl — again. [ everyone giggles ] You guys relax, have a few drinks, and let’s just try to blow off a little steam, okay?

[ Merv the Perv saunters in ]

Merv the Perv: Hey! You guys talkin’ about blowin’ off a little steam? Allow me to introduce “Steam” — AKA: [ points below ] my weiner.

Boss: Merv. Not glad you could make it.

Merv the Perv: Mmm-mmm. That’s Merv — the Perv.

[ cut to animated theme slide of an attractive woman. Merv The Perv appears on her shoulder ]

Merv the Perv V/O: [ singing ] “I’m talkin’ lo-ove! It’s a crazy roller coaster ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-ide!! [ jumps into the woman’s cleavage, poking his head out playfully ] I’m sayin’ lo-ove! You know it comes from deep insi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ide!! [ falls through the woman’s body and exits between her legs to the floor ] Now we’re livin’ and laughin’, learnin’ ’cause he’s truly Merv the Perv. That’s Merv the Perv!”

[ dissolve back to the Christmas party, as Merv approaches three female co-workers ]

Merv the Perv: Ho-ho-ho, ladies! Who wants to sit on Santa’s lap?

Amy: No thanks, Merv.

Merv the Perv: Alright, fine — how ’bout my face?

Rachel: Come on, Merv! It’s the holiday season!

Merv the Perv: Yeah? [ singing ] “‘Tis the season to get my jollies — fa-la-la-la-la…” [ he laps his tongue in a disgusting manner ]

Rachel: Gross!!

Amy: Look, Merv, why don’t you go jump out a window?

Merv the Perv: Or — why don’t I go jump on… a Widow? [ turns as an older female co-workers walks past ] And how do you do, Mrs. Goldblatt?

[ he chuckles lasciviously, as she makes a face and scampers off ]

Merv the Perv: [ looking above Amy and Rachel’s heads ] Hey! Lucky me! You two are standing underneath the mistletoe!

Amy: [ looks up ] There’s no mistletoe, Merv.

Merv the Perv: Hmm…

[ a mustachioed stranger saunters in ]

Steve the Skeeve: [ with a Britsh accent ] That may be, but I see two camel toes with my name on them.

Merv the Perv: Nice!

[ Merv and Steve high-five one another and chuckle ] [ Amy and Rachel are clearly impressed by the stranger that is inexplicably friends with Merv ]

Rachel: Merv! Um — aren’t you going to introduce us to your friend?

Steve the Skeeve: The name’s Steve… [ extends his hand ] Steve the Skeeve. Now — which one of you wants to visit my… North Pole? Get it?

Amy & Rachel: [ chipperly ] Of course I do!! Yes!! That’s very funny!!

Merv the Perv: Hey, Steve here is my cousin from the UK. But you might say I’m from the F-U-C

Amy: [ interrupting ] Yeah, we get it, Merv.

Steve the Skeeve: That’s right — I’m from across the pond, but, hopefully, later tonight, I’ll be across the blonde.

[ Merv and Steve laugh, as the girls titter ]

Rachel: [ whispering to Amy ] His accent is SO elegant..!

Merv the Perv: Hey, you want to hear my idea of elegant? You two slipping out of those antlers, heading back to my place, and massaging my planters horse with your boobies.

[ the girls remain speechless for a moment ]

Amy: Merv, you are such a bonehead!

Steve the Skeeve: Hey — I’ll supply the bone, you supply the head, we could make a movie.

[ Merv laughs ]

Amy: [ giggling ] Oh, my God — he’s like Shakespeare!

Merv the Perv: Hey, I LOVE Shakespeare! Speaking of which, I’ll be putting on a production of Core-a-lanus out in my van! Who wants to audition?

[ a visibly pregnant Maya steps forward, and whispers into the girls’ ears ]

Maya: Hey, girls — who’s the hunk with Merv the Perv?

Amy: Back off, I saw him first.

Merv the Perv: Howdy, Preggo! If that’s a little lady you’ve got in there, then I’m lookin’ at my first three-way!

Maya: [ stunned ] That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

Steve the Skeeve: [ stepping forward ] Hey there, beautiful. If you’re not busy later, how about we adjoin to the janitor’s closet, drop trou, and see if I can hit baby?

Maya: [ blushing ] Wow! You know just what to say!

Steve the Skeeve: [ drops to his knees and touches Maya’s belly ] Hey, little fella… better make some room in there, it’s about to get real crowded.

Rachel: Wow! She’s so lucky!

Amy: I know — tell me about it!

Merv the Perv: [ points to his genitals ] I’ll tell you about this: three solid inches of hairless, wrinkled pleasure with your name on it! [ motions his fingers ] Come and get some.

Rachel: Okay! That’s it! Merv, you need to learn a lesson from your cousin, Steve the Skeeve here. He is a gentleman, and he treats women with RESPECT!

[ Steve pops his head out from under Rachel’s skirt ]

Steve the Skeeve: Merv, you have GOT to check this out! The view from down here is FANTASTIC!

Merv the Perv: [ chuckles ] I’m sure it is, Steve… but I can take a hint. These ladies clearly want me to leave, so I guess I’ll just take off… MY PANTS!!

[ Merv pulls his breakaway pants loose to reveal a red-and-green candy cane thong ]

Girls: Oh, Merrrrrrrvv!!

Merv the Perv: Hey, that’s Merv… the Perv!

[ a circle surrounds Merv and Steve ]

Merv the Perv V/O: [ singing ] “That’s Merv the Perv!”

Merv and Steve: Merry Christmas, ladies!

[ SUPER: “Based on the comedy of Mervin Watson” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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