SNL Transcripts: Colin Farrell: 12/11/04: Merv the Perv

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 6

04g: Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters

Merv the Perv

Boss…..Seth Meyers
Merv the Perv…..Chris Parnell
Amy…..Amy Poehler
Rachel…..Rachel Dratch
Maya…..Maya Rudolph
Steve the Skeeve…..Colin Farrell

[ open on exterior, office building ] [ dissolve to poster ] [ Poster reads: “Hesslebart & Minton CHRISTMAS PARTY 4PM Main Cinference Room” ] [ dissolve to interior, main conference room ]

Boss: Alright, everybody! Now that I have your attention, just a couple of quick announcements: We’ve had a great Fall quarter, here at Hesslebart & Minton. What do you say we keep it going into the new year, huh?

[ the employees cheer ]

Boss: Okay, okay, that’s enough business talk! I’m gonna go refill the egg nog bowl — again. [ everyone giggles ] You guys relax, have a few drinks, and let’s just try to blow off a little steam, okay?

[ Merv the Perv saunters in ]

Merv the Perv: Hey! You guys talkin’ about blowin’ off a little steam? Allow me to introduce “Steam” — AKA: [ points below ] my weiner.

Boss: Merv. Not glad you could make it.

Merv the Perv: Mmm-mmm. That’s Merv — the Perv.

[ cut to animated theme slide of an attractive woman. Merv The Perv appears on her shoulder ]

Merv the Perv V/O: [ singing ] “I’m talkin’ lo-ove! It’s a crazy roller coaster ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-ide!! [ jumps into the woman’s cleavage, poking his head out playfully ] I’m sayin’ lo-ove! You know it comes from deep insi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ide!! [ falls through the woman’s body and exits between her legs to the floor ] Now we’re livin’ and laughin’, learnin’ ’cause he’s truly Merv the Perv. That’s Merv the Perv!”

[ dissolve back to the Christmas party, as Merv approaches three female co-workers ]

Merv the Perv: Ho-ho-ho, ladies! Who wants to sit on Santa’s lap?

Amy: No thanks, Merv.

Merv the Perv: Alright, fine — how ’bout my face?

Rachel: Come on, Merv! It’s the holiday season!

Merv the Perv: Yeah? [ singing ] “‘Tis the season to get my jollies — fa-la-la-la-la…” [ he laps his tongue in a disgusting manner ]

Rachel: Gross!!

Amy: Look, Merv, why don’t you go jump out a window?

Merv the Perv: Or — why don’t I go jump on… a Widow? [ turns as an older female co-workers walks past ] And how do you do, Mrs. Goldblatt?

[ he chuckles lasciviously, as she makes a face and scampers off ]

Merv the Perv: [ looking above Amy and Rachel’s heads ] Hey! Lucky me! You two are standing underneath the mistletoe!

Amy: [ looks up ] There’s no mistletoe, Merv.

Merv the Perv: Hmm…

[ a mustachioed stranger saunters in ]

Steve the Skeeve: [ with a Britsh accent ] That may be, but I see two camel toes with my name on them.

Merv the Perv: Nice!

[ Merv and Steve high-five one another and chuckle ] [ Amy and Rachel are clearly impressed by the stranger that is inexplicably friends with Merv ]

Rachel: Merv! Um — aren’t you going to introduce us to your friend?

Steve the Skeeve: The name’s Steve… [ extends his hand ] Steve the Skeeve. Now — which one of you wants to visit my… North Pole? Get it?

Amy & Rachel: [ chipperly ] Of course I do!! Yes!! That’s very funny!!

Merv the Perv: Hey, Steve here is my cousin from the UK. But you might say I’m from the F-U-C

Amy: [ interrupting ] Yeah, we get it, Merv.

Steve the Skeeve: That’s right — I’m from across the pond, but, hopefully, later tonight, I’ll be across the blonde.

[ Merv and Steve laugh, as the girls titter ]

Rachel: [ whispering to Amy ] His accent is SO elegant..!

Merv the Perv: Hey, you want to hear my idea of elegant? You two slipping out of those antlers, heading back to my place, and massaging my planters horse with your boobies.

[ the girls remain speechless for a moment ]

Amy: Merv, you are such a bonehead!

Steve the Skeeve: Hey — I’ll supply the bone, you supply the head, we could make a movie.

[ Merv laughs ]

Amy: [ giggling ] Oh, my God — he’s like Shakespeare!

Merv the Perv: Hey, I LOVE Shakespeare! Speaking of which, I’ll be putting on a production of Core-a-lanus out in my van! Who wants to audition?

[ a visibly pregnant Maya steps forward, and whispers into the girls’ ears ]

Maya: Hey, girls — who’s the hunk with Merv the Perv?

Amy: Back off, I saw him first.

Merv the Perv: Howdy, Preggo! If that’s a little lady you’ve got in there, then I’m lookin’ at my first three-way!

Maya: [ stunned ] That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

Steve the Skeeve: [ stepping forward ] Hey there, beautiful. If you’re not busy later, how about we adjoin to the janitor’s closet, drop trou, and see if I can hit baby?

Maya: [ blushing ] Wow! You know just what to say!

Steve the Skeeve: [ drops to his knees and touches Maya’s belly ] Hey, little fella… better make some room in there, it’s about to get real crowded.

Rachel: Wow! She’s so lucky!

Amy: I know — tell me about it!

Merv the Perv: [ points to his genitals ] I’ll tell you about this: three solid inches of hairless, wrinkled pleasure with your name on it! [ motions his fingers ] Come and get some.

Rachel: Okay! That’s it! Merv, you need to learn a lesson from your cousin, Steve the Skeeve here. He is a gentleman, and he treats women with RESPECT!

[ Steve pops his head out from under Rachel’s skirt ]

Steve the Skeeve: Merv, you have GOT to check this out! The view from down here is FANTASTIC!

Merv the Perv: [ chuckles ] I’m sure it is, Steve… but I can take a hint. These ladies clearly want me to leave, so I guess I’ll just take off… MY PANTS!!

[ Merv pulls his breakaway pants loose to reveal a red-and-green candy cane thong ]

Girls: Oh, Merrrrrrrvv!!

Merv the Perv: Hey, that’s Merv… the Perv!

[ a circle surrounds Merv and Steve ]

Merv the Perv V/O: [ singing ] “That’s Merv the Perv!”

Merv and Steve: Merry Christmas, ladies!

[ SUPER: “Based on the comedy of Mervin Watson” ] [ fade ]

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