SNL Transcripts: Colin Farrell: 12/11/04: Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks, & Knick Knack Shack


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 7

04g: Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters

Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks, & Knick Knack Shack

Pat Sylviak…..Horatio Sanz
Patti Sylviak…..Maya Rudolph
Zack Kakinsakis…..Colin Farrell

Pat: How many times has this happened? You’re shopping for slacks and smack you have a snack attack. But after you get your snack you have to backtrack to the shack that sells knick knacks.

Patti: How would you react if we told you that now you can get your slacks, snacks and knick knacks all in one shack?

Pat: Hi, I’m Pat Sylviak.

Patti: And I’m Patti Sylviak. And we’re the owners of Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack. So if you’re looking for all of that you’re on the right track.

Pat: Let us show you some of our slacks. We have ‘em in black. Just listen to our stock boy, Zack Kakinsakis.

Zack: Hi, Pat and Patti.

Pat and Patti: Hi, Zack.

Patti: You want to get in on the act?

Zack: I do, as a matter of fact. You might think I’m whack, but I could spend all afternoon looking at this fantastic rack of slacks. All our slacks have elastic waistbands intact. And look at that. Snap, snap, snap. This backflap tacks back just like that. And all our slacks come in black, khaki, lilac, and blue. I’m sorry, that’s blue-black, Pat. Look at that! And across the back of this slack, the union jack. Look at that!

Patti: Zack, I gotta ask – do these slacks make my back end look fat?

Zack: Let me tell you something, Aunt Pat, your ass in those slacks is where it’s at.

Patti: Watch it Zack, you’re gonna get a smack.

Pat: I better get a snack.

Zack: We got cracker jacks, cheesy mac, tic tacs, and mini stacks of Monterey jack.

Pat: Hey guys, how about I show you some knick knacks? Candles made of beeswax with signs of the zodiac.

Patti: Hand-crafted welcome mats with rubber backs.

Zack: And don’t forget this vintage hand-shellacked plaque of Fleetwood Mac.

Patti: Oh no, don’t sell that! Keep that in the back with my blacklight poster of Roberta Flack.

Pat: And don’t forget to put your John Hancock on this card we’re sending with a sack of slacks to the troops in Iraq.

Patti: And this week relax, no tax. And now shop on-line at… http://www.patnpattisslackssnacksandknickknacks@patnpattisbackpackshack.ack

Pat: What do you say to that Zack?

Zack: What are you, jacked up on crack? Make tracks down to Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack.

[Music and singing]

Pat, Patti, and Zack:
“Slacks, snacks and knick knacks
Come to Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack.”

Patti and Zack: At Pat ‘N Patti’s…

Pat: Slack, slack, slacks.

Patti and Zack: At Pat ‘N Patti’s…

Pat: Snack, snack, snacks.

Pat, Patti, and Zack: Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack!

Zack: Baby’s got slacks!

Narrator: Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack. Right next to Kowansak Cadillac. Where Cermack meets Tamarac.

Submitted by: Santiago Edison

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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