Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 7
Big Roach Problem
Roach #1…..Horatio Sanz
Man: Well, this is the place. [unlocking door] Let me just peek in and make sure the coast is clear. I have a bit of a roach problem.
Woman: Well, don’t worry about it. I have roaches in my apartment too. This is New York City. Everybody has roaches.
Man: Yeah, but I have a BIG roach problem.
Woman: I have so many in my apartment I’m gonna start charging rent.[Both laugh and enter apartment]
Man: C’mon in.[Both walk in apartment, and it’s completely dark.]
Woman: Oh wow, it’s really dark.
Man: [closes door] Uh, yeah. I’ll just put the food down and light a few candles.
Woman: Okay. You know what, well, let me just turn on a light so you can see just a-
Man: No! Not the lights!
Man: There he is! [The roach jumps over the back of couch] Do you see him? [The roach runs out the kitchen door.]
Woman: Oh my-
Man: Did you see him? He just ran into the bathroom!
Woman: Oh my god! What the hell was that?! Was that thing just eating a box of cereal?!
Man: Damn thing loves cereal. [He picks up the box] No matter how tight you close the box, they always find a way in anyway.
Woman: Is there a power plant near here? That thing was huge!
Man: Like you said, everyone has roaches. This is New York, right?
Woman: No, no, that was, like, the biggest roach I’ve ever seen. Gross!
Man: Yeah, well, he’s gone now, so just start setting up the food. I’ll just take these coats and put them in the closet. [He opens the closet door, the roach is in there, and Woman yells.]
Woman: Behind you!
Woman: The roach!
Man: Where?![The roach runs around behind Man every time he turns around, so he never does see him.]
Woman: The roach is behind you!
Woman: Right behind you!
Woman: Right behind you! It went behind the couch!
Man: I don’t believe it! [He takes off his boot]
Woman: Get him! Hit him before he gets away.
Man: He’s not getting away this time. [He starts beating the roach behind the couch and some guts/slime sprays all over him with every hit. Woman yells out.]
Man: I think I killed him. [He points at the roach and then at his shirt]
Woman: Oh, thank God!
Man: Ugh! I got roach guts on my nice shirt.
Woman: [looking around] Wait, I can hear him moving! There he is! There he is! [She points over at the wall behind the couch]
Man: Dammit, where is he?!
Woman: He’s over there!
Woman: Next to the window!
Woman: Uh-uh-how can you not see him?!
Man: [whispers loudly] I see him! I can see him! [whispers loudly and slowly] Hand me the can of spray, Baby.[Amy moves slowly and grabs the can of spray off the coffee table and hands it to Colin. Man walks nonchalantly behind the couch chuckling as if they were talking about something funny.]
Man: [laughs] Yeah.[He laughs more and then lunges at the roach spraying him up and down with the spray. The roach just shoos it away from his face, holds his nose, and nothing happens to him.]
Man: It’s not working! [He looks at the can] This is air freshener. [He hands it to Amy] Hand me the roach spray.
Woman: Oh, sorry. [She hands him the roach spray]
Man: You’re goin’ down this time, you big possum. [He starts spraying the roach and it reacts like it’s dying. It fights until it falls to the floor.] Ugh! That should do it. I think he’s finally dead.
Woman: You’re not gonna leave him on the floor there, are you?
Man: [says sarcastically] No-o. Hand me some tissue. I’m gonna flush him down the toilet.
Woman: [grabs about 5 tissues] If you flush him down the toilet, he’s gonna go into the ocean and kill somebody.
Man: Well, let me at least move him. [He pushes up his sleeves] All right. [He tugs with all his might behind the couch] Ugh! He’s too heavy. [He tries again and yanks off two legs] Gross!
Woman: Well, just cover him with the tissue then.
Man: [acts as if he got an idea] Ah! [He points at her with the legs, then sets them down and unfolds the tissues. He gingerly places the tissues on top of the roach.] Whew! [He claps his hands together as if to dust them off] Uh, let’s turn off these lights and get cozy. [He sighs, turns off the lights, walks over to couch and sits down] Now this is more like it.
Woman: Y-y-y-you sure that roach is dead? [She looks around]
Man: Don’t be scared. He’s dead.
Woman: C-c-c-could you just make sure?
Man: [throws his hands up] Okay.
Woman: I’m coming with you!
Man: Don’t be scared, he’s dead.[They walk together to turn the lights on. They turn around the there are 3 roaches climbing on their furniture and eating their food.]
Together: Oh my god![They both keep yelling and the roaches jump up to scurry away. Man starts beating them with his boot. Woman grabs the spray and starts spraying them. One tries to kiss Amy.]
Man: [yells at a roach] What are you doing with my cereal?! Get out of my cereal! [He throws his boot at the roach.] [They keep fighting the roaches as the scene ends.]
Submitted by: Nicole Sheldon