Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 7
Donald Rumsfeld…..Darrell Hammond
Soldier #1…..Rob Riggle
Soldier #2…..Will Forte
Soldier #3…..Kenan Thompson
Soldier #4…..Finesse Mitchell
Soldier #5…..Rachel Dratch
Rumsfeld: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. My goodness. What a group. Now before we begin, I want to express on behalf of the entire nation my deepest gratitude for the service you have given and the sacrifices you have all made. And God bless you. [applause] Now as the General said, I’m here to answer your questions. [looks around the crowd] Yes.
Soldier #1: [clears throat] Secretary Rumsfeld, uh, our troops have been in Iraq for three years. Our vehicles don’t have armor plating, so we’re digging through landfills for pieces of scrap metal. My question is, why aren’t resources like armor plating readily available?
Rumsfeld: That’s a fair question, and I suppose my answer would be, in any war there are going to be shortages of equipment. It’s simply the nature of war, especially one as poorly planned as this one.
Soldier #1: Uh-huh.
Rumsfeld: In fact, I would suspect your complaint is a common one. [pointing out in the crowd] Who else here is short of equipment? [points] Yes.
Soldier #2: Uh, our unit has almost no communications gear.
Rumsfeld: [points elsewhere] You, Sir.
Soldier #3: Uh, we need night vision goggles.
Rumsfeld: [points elsewhere] Yes.
Soldier #4: [throws his hands up in the air] Sir, we still don’t have any pants. [camera zooms out to show him in only a jacket and underwear.]
Rumsfeld: [scowls] My goodness. That kind of thing is inexcusable. No question about it. Now, is the lack of basic equipment for our troops something we’re willing to live with? Absolutely not. Are we putting every resource at our disposal into solving this problem? You bet. Is it going to be corrected any time soon? I have no idea. But as for your question, Sir, about the armor for refitting and up armoring our trucks, that we do have.
Soldier #1: Really?
Soldier #1: That’s great. How soon will it get here?
Rumsfeld: Oh, it’s been here. Got here about six months ago.
Soldier #1: It’s here? In Kuwait?
Rumsfeld: Right over in the next hangar. I’ve seen it. It’s state-of-the-art. Looks great.[The soldier and Rumsfeld look back and forth at each other, both waiting for the other to say something.]
Soldier #1: Could, uh, could we have it?
Rumsfeld: Well, it’s sort of packed away.
Soldier #1: But we will be receiving it?
Rumsfeld: Well, the thing it, it’s kind of hard to get to. It’s back behind a bunch of other stuff. How soon do ya need it?
Soldier #1: As soon as possible, really, would be great.
Rumsfeld: Aw, that’s not gonna be easy.
Soldier #1: My unit would be happy to go in there and help unload it.
Rumsfeld: Well, the problem is, you wouldn’t know where to look. And we really can’t have a bunch of guys to go in there digging around. I’m sorry.
Soldier #1: (tsk) Ok. [thinks for a moment] Oh! What if we were really careful and put everything back exactly where we found it?
Rumsfeld: [shakes head] I wish I could help. I really do. But if we gave your unit armor, we’d have to give it to everybody.
Soldier #1: I understand.
Rumsfeld: [points elsewhere] Yes.
Soldier #5: Hi. Um, I was supposed to go home a year ago, but my tour has been extended twice because of the Stop Loss program. Can anything be done about that?
Rumsfeld: Regrettably, the Stop Loss program, in which a soldier’s tour of duty can be extended without his consent, has become an unfortunate fact of life in today’s military. Now, does everyone agree that it’s not the ideal solution to our recruitment problems? Of course. Is it used any more than is absolutely necessary? Yes, as a matter of fact, it is. But when you signed up for the National Guard, that’s a chance you took.
Soldier #5: Well, see, that’s the thing. I didn’t actually sign up for the Guard. Um, I thought I was applying for a bank loan to buy a car, and the next thing I knew I was drugged, thrown in a van, and here I am.
Rumsfeld: Obviously obviously, I’m not going to deny there are problems with the kidnap-enforceable enlistment program, even though, to be perfectly honest, it was my idea. I suppose one could look at it philosophically that it’s the price one pays for being an American citizen.
Soldier #5: Ok, see, that’s the other thing. I’m not an American citizen. I was just visiting here from Canada. It seems wrong somehow.
Rumsfeld: My gosh, what an absolutely awful story. I only wish there was something I could do. [points elsewhere] Yes.
Soldier #1: It’s uh, me again. Suppose we just borrowed the armor plating, and then after the mission we just-
Rumsfeld: [Interrupts, chuckling] Aw, come on now, don’t make me shoot you. [chuckles] Seriously, don’t. [looks around] Any other questions? Nope. In that case, Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!
Submitted by: Nicole Sheldon