Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 8
December 18th, 2004
Robert De Niro
Kermit the Frog
Pentagon Press BriefingSummary: In a near-repeat of an opening sketch two years ago, Craig Fenson (Robert De Niro) returns to read the names of more naughtily-named terrorists.
Recurring Characters: Donald Rumsfeld, Craig Fenson.
Robert De Niro’s MonologueSummary: Robert De Niro sings “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” with Kermit the Frog.
First Hosted: 02g.
WoombaSummary: The self-operating electronic feminine hygeine product that knows best when a woman should be using it.
PrankstersSummary: In another gross misunderstanding of the concept of the show, grown-up Chuck Gordon (Robert De Niro) pranks his neighbor (Chris Parnell) with a chainsaw. As usual, host Zack Ricky (Seth Meyers) is horrified.
Recurring Characters: Zack Ricky.
Wedding ReceptionSummary: At one of his four daughter’s wedding, Dad (Robert De Niro) wonders when his foppish son (Seth Meyers) will marry, failing to suspect the boy may be gay.
Prince Christmas SpecialSummary: Robert De Niro is one of many out-of-place guests on Prince’s (Fred Armisen) Christmas special.
Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce, Star Jones, Al Reynolds.
Note: Though a member of the evening’s musical guest, Beyonce does not appear in this sketch.
TV FunhouseSummary: In yet another commentary on the 2000 and 2004 elections, Santa Claus refuses to bring toys to children who live in America’s electoral “red” states.
“The Apprentice” PromoSummary: While dressed as Santa Claus, Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) records a new promo for “The Apprentice.”
Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.
Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s episode hosted by Colin Farrell.
Destiny’s Child with Lil’ Wayne perform “Soldier”First Performed: 00r.
Bio: Lil’ Wayne (1983-). Rapper; former member of the rap supergroup Hot Boys.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Street prophet Leviticus (Rob Riggle) wants to save Tina and Amy’s souls, but is very annoying about it. Brad (Seth Meyers) & Abe Scheinwald (Rachel Dratch) leave their studio offices to argue at the Update desk.
Recurring Characters: Brad Scheinwald, Abe Scheinwald.
Undercover GangsterSummary: Undercover agent Ruben Sanders (Horatio Sanz) butchers the Italian stereotype to nab a playful gangster (Robert De Niro).
Destiny’s Child performs “Cater 2 U”
Christmas with the Cat LadySummary: Elderly cat lady Margie (Robert De Niro) reads a story to the many cats that fill her apartment.
Bear CitySummary: Christian bears accidentally sing Christmas carols for a Jewish bear household.
Note: This short film was cut from last week’s episode hosted by Colin Farrell.
Season’s Greetings From “Saturday Night Live”Summary: Even though Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan have all left the cast, Horatio Sanz keeps the tradition of the overplayed nonsense song alive with help from Muppets Kermit, Fozzie, Animal and Gonzo.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
The Today ShowSummary: Katie Couric (Amy Poehler) and Matt Lauer (Seth Meyers) from the studio, while Al Roker (Kenan Thompson) works the crowd outside.
Recurring Characters: Katie Couric, Matt Lauer, Al Roker.
KaitlinSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) wants to play with the karaoke machine at her Uncle’s (Robert De Niro) music store.
Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.
Donatella VersaceSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) resolves to do things differently in 2005.
Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Elton John.
Christmas ShoppingSummary: A man (Robert De Niro) has difficulty shopping for his wife.
Bear CitySummary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station.
Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.
A Message from a Pedicab DriverSummary: A Pedicab driver (Robert De Niro) talks about his job and Times Square during the goold old days.
Bear CitySummary: A bear has difficulty putting up Christmas lights on his house.