Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 8
Ruben Sanders…..Horatio Sanz
Mr. Tanucci…..Robert De Niro
Agent 1…..Seth Myers
Agent 2…..Kenan Thompson
Old Wiseguy…..Fred Armisen
(open on outside of apartment building. Cut to inside of apartment with 3 agents surrounded by surveillance equipment getting a hidden wire on agent Sanders.)
Ruben Sanders: Hello, hello, hello.
Agent 2: Yeah, we can hear him.
Agent 1: Okay, all you got to do is get him to talk about the D’Ambrusio hit. Then this guy is going down. Gotta watch yourself. This is a dangerous man.
Ruben Sanders: For the last year I’ve been studying these guys. I know the way to move, I know the way to walk, I know the way they talk. I’m gonna… I’m gonna get him.
Agent 1: All right, Sanders, get your coat on and let’s do this.
Agent 2: Think he can do it?
Agent 1: Yeah, he’s the best in the biz.
(Cut to the inside of a club filled with wiseguys playing cards, and an old wiseguy making coffee)
Mr. Tanucci: So this guy is a real computer whiz. He’s one of the first to get with this Internet gambling stuff.
Old Wiseguy: Yeah, there’s a lot of money in that.
Gino: Who is this guy? I never heard of him before.
Mr. Tanucci: Don’t worry, he comes recommended. We’re gonna get in a whole ground floor wave with Internet casinos. (Knock on the door) Gino.
Ruben Sanders: (With a very exaggerated Italian accent) Hey! How you guys doin’? Let me just put down this meatball sub here with extra mozzarella. (Throws paper bag with sandwich at wiseguy)
Mr. Tanucci: All right. Have a seat.
Ruben Sanders: OWW! Fuggitaboutit.
Gino: Forget about what?
Ruben Sanders: Sorry I’m late, I was at my goombah’s place. We were just finishing dinner. We had some raviolis, some rigatonis and some rice-aroni. Fuggitaboutit!
Wiseguy: Why you keep saying Forget about it?
Mr. Tanucci: Never mind that. I heard you were a man of business which is why I agreed to meet with you. But I like to know who I’m getting into business with. Where you from?
Ruben Sanders: Hey! It’s me, Tony Lasagna, from the neighborhood.
Mr. Tanucci: What neighborhood?
Ruben Sanders: You know, Little Italy.
Mr. Tanucci: I grew up in Little Italy, I didn’t see you around too much.
Ruben Sanders: C’mon, we used to play stickball together behind the Olive Garden, with, you know, Paulie Walnuts, Rocky Balboa, the Mario Brothers, they were all there. (getting nervous) Donkey Kong, Vinnie Testaverde, Madonna!
Mr. Tanucci: All right already, Let’s get back to this internet casino business.
Old Wiseguy: Yeah, there’s a lot of money in that.
Ruben Sanders: Exactly, let’s talk business. Fuggitaboutit!
Mr. Tanucci: Forget about what?
Ruben Sanders: I’m bustin’ beans over here. (Sings) “Volare, oh oh oh oh, Cantare, yo yo yo yo!” (Agents in the other room listen and grimace)
Mr. Tanucci: Quit fooling around, and tell me more about this internet casino business.
Old Wiseguy: Yeah there’s a lot of money in that.
Ruben Sanders: That there is. But first I wanna tell you a little story. (Godfather music plays) When I was young, I had to hide out in Sicily. I married a beatiful farmgirl named Apollonia. I taught her to speak English Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday. She takes her top off and she had perfectly round Yabbos. And they blew her up in a car. So I came to America and married a girl named Diane Keaton. (Music stops and agents in the other room shake their heads in disbelief)
Mr. Tanucci: I don’t know about you.
Ruben Sanders: Fuggitaboutit! I’m bustin’ beans!
Mr. Tanucci: Stop saying “bustin’ beans!”
Ruben Sanders: Fuggitaboutit!
Mr. Tanucci: Stop saying that, too!
Wiseguy: You know something’s not right here.
Mr. Tanucci: Don’t get too nervous. If you don’t relax, we’re gonna have to put you in a pair of Depends. (Everyone at the club laughs) I’m funny.
Ruben Sanders: He’s a funny guy.
Mr. Tanucci: What? I’m funny? How am I funny?
Ruben Sanders: Funny, you know.
Mr. Tanucci: I don’t know, you said it. Funny, how? Like, I’m clowning over here? To amuse you, or what? Tell me what the hell is so funny about me? (Dead serious and there’s a tense silence) I’m just bustin’ beans! Fuggitaboutit! (Everyone laughs)
Gino: I still think this guy is working for the feds.
Ruben Sanders: Oh yeah, I’m working for the FBI. My real name is agent Ruben Sanders.
Mr. Tanucci: Ruben Sanders, that’s hilarious!
Ruben Sanders: You know what? I’m trying to record you through this wire. (Opens his shirt revealing a microphone wire) I’m trying to get you, Mr. Tanucci, to admit you killed Carlo D’ambrusio.
Mr. Tanucci: (Playing along) Yeah! And I suppose I’m just gonna pick up this microphone from your shirt right here, and tell the FBI how I killed Carlo two months ago and had him buried under the Seacaucus ramp on the New Jersey turnpike, and I suppo– (Knock on the door) I suppose that the FBI is here to take me away. (Agents storm right into the club) Oh! it is them!
Agent 1: Mr. Tanucci, you’re under arrest for the murder of Carlo D’ambrusio.
Mr. Tanucci: I can’t believe you tricked me, you rat piece of garbage! I trusted you like a son, I let you in and you betrayed me! I bet you ain’t even married to Diane Keaton.
Ruben Sanders: Take him out of here.
Agent 1: I don’t agree with your methods, but you got the job done.
Ruben Sanders: Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back. We have to move on to our next mission. (Cracks up) Infiltrating the Chinese mafia. (Seth, under his breath, says, “You blew it.”) Henceforth, you will know me as.. (in thick chinese accent) ..Hong Kong-a Fooey. (bows down, and we hear the sound of a gong over cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel