Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 9
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
January 15th, 2005
Topher Grace
The Killers
None
None
John Lutz
Jason Sudeikis
JB Smoove
Paula Pell
Liz Cackowski
White House Press ConferenceSummary: President George W. Bush’s (Will Forte) questions are fielded by former presidents Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) and George Bush, Sr. (Fred Armisen).
Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George Bush.
Transcript
Montage
Topher Grace’s MonologueSummary: When Topher Grace receives the dumb-questions-from-studio-audience treatment, he thinks he’s being ‘punked.
Recurring Characters: Terrell, Terrell’ Wife.
Bio: Topher Grace (1978-). Actor; his first acting role was as Eric Forman on “That 70’s Show”, 1998-2006; his real first name is Christopher, but he changed it because he didn’t like being nicknamed “Chris”.
Transcript
Trucker TalkSummary: While on the road, truckers discuss the Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston break-up over their CB radios.
Recurring Characters: Skeeter.
Transcript
Martin Luther King DaySummary: Lazy black paramedics (Kenan Thompson, Finesse Mitchell) refuse to work on their special day.
Transcript
CBS Evening Fraudulent Document UpdateSummary: Dan Rather (Darrell Hammond) apologizes for a series of fraudulent documents he had errantly reproted as fact.
Recurring Characters: Dan Rather.
Transcript
Beaver RanchSummary: Tyler (Topher Grace) loses his virginity to elderly prostitute, Dot (Rachel Dratch), and learns a valuable life lesson.
The Killers perform “Somebody Told Me”Bio: Alternative rock group; members: vocal/keyboardist Brandon Flowers, guitarist David Keuning, bassist Mark Stoermer, and drummer Ronnie Vannucci.
Also Performed: 06a.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: In honor of Martin Luther King Day, Weekend Update recognizes the fictional Cliff (Kenan Thompson) and Clair Huxtable (Maya Rudolph) as positive role models in the African-American community.
Transcript
Artsy ApartmentSummary: Nuni (Fred Armisen) and Nuni (Maya Rudolph) – whose names are the same but have different pronunciations – show off the weird furniture in their apartment to their neighbors (Topher Grace, Rachel Dratch).
Recurring Characters: Nuni, Nuni, Tato.
Transcript
HardballSummary: Zell Miller (Will Forte) yells about the tsunamis.
Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Howard Dean, Zell Miller.
The Not So Incredible Adventures Of The Down And Out DollarSummary: After a drop in value, the dollar bill (Amy Poehler) takes a lot of flak from the foreign currencies she once dominated over.
Transcript
The Killers perform “Mr. Brightside”
GoodnightsTranscript
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Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Doctor’s OfficeSummary: A young doctor (Topher Grace) acts immature while discussing heart surgery with his patients (Chris Parnell, Maya Rudolph).
Bear CitySummary: In a pinch, a bear uses the handicapped toilet, only to be confronted by a bear in a wheelchair.
Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by David Spade.
One Night StandSummary: Man (Topher Grace) and woman (Amy Poehler) try to make small talk the next morning after their one night stand.
Gibson StudiosSummary: Bill Kurtis (Darrell Hammond) records various A&E show promos.
Note: This sketch will later air in the episode hosted by Jason Bateman.
Bear CitySummary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station.
Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.
Rafael Alonzo’s I.T.F. Technical Computer InstituteSummary: Rafael Alonzo (Fred Armisen) teaches simple computer technology.
Note: This sketch will later air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.
