SNL Transcripts: Topher Grace: 01/15/05: Artsy Apartment


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 9

04i: Topher Grace / The Killers

Artsy Apartment

Pam…..Rachel Dratch
Brian…..Topher Grace
Nuni Schoener…..Fred Armisen
Nuni Schoener…..Maya Rudolph
Tato…..Chris Parnell

[open on Brian and Pam outside of apartment door]

Pam: So, what do these people do, again?

Brian: Okay, they’re art dealers, and they are no different than you or me. They hired me to make a website for their gallery. [rings doorbell] [Mr. Schoener opens door]

Mr. Schoener: [with strange accent] Brian! You’re right on time! Come in, please!

[they enter the apartment]

Brian: Hey, thanks for having us over, Mr. Schoener.

Mr. Schoener: [chuckles] It’s Nuni, okay? You must meet my new wife. [calling to her] Darling, they’re here!

Mrs. Schoener: [emerging from apartment interior] Oh! Welcome! Ah, look at you both!

Brian: Hello.

Mr. Schoener: This is my wife, Nuni.

Brian: Oh, that’s funny; you guys both have the same first name: Nuni.

Mr. Schoener: No, no, no, no. I am Nuni; she is Nuni.

Brian: I see. Nuni and Nuni.

Mrs. Schoener: No, no. Nuni; I am Nuni.

Brian: Nuni.

Mrs. Schoener: No, no, Nuni. You must use the back of your tongue, come.

[Mr. and Mrs. Schoener grasp Brian’s cheecks and chin while all three say “Nuni” repeatedly]

Mrs. Schoener: No, no, Nuni is masculine, and Nuni is feminine. Nuni.

Brian: Nuni.

Mrs. Schoener: No, no, Nuni.

Brian: Nuni.

Pam: Honey, I think she’s Nuni, and he’s Nuni.

Mrs. Schoener: Yes, exactly! Anyfoofoo, why don’t we all have a seat please?

[Mrs. Schoener leads them to an area where five pieces are arrayed: a hemispherical table, a white inclined divan, a red sphere, a white pyramid, and a stylistic metal chair that faces away from the other pieces. Mr. Schoener sits on the divan, placing his feet in stirrups. Mrs. Schoener sits on the sphere. Pam sits in the metal chair. Brian looks around confusedly]

Brian: Um, I guess I should just stand?

Mrs. Schoener: No, no, that one is for you.

Brian: What, the pyramid?

Mr. Schoener: Yes!

[Brian begins to attempt to sit on the pyramid]

Mrs. Schoener: No, no! Not on it; against it! That is a leaning post!

Mr. Schoener: [chuckles] You sit on that, and it will ruin your ass!

Brian: [begins to lean against the pyramid and slides to the floor before standing up again] I’m just gonna…

Pam: Um, does this seat swivel so I can face you guys?

Mr. Schoener: [laughs] Why would the chair turn? It’s a 1950s Adler!

Mrs. Schoener: Brian, what is your woman’s name?

Brian: Oh, God, I can’t believe I did that. I’m such an idiot. I’m sorry. This is my girlfriend, Pam.

Mr. Schoener: Bam.

Brian: No, Pam.

Mrs. Schoener: Bar.

Brian: It’s Pam.

Mrs. Schoener: Bor.

Brian: No, Pam. [elongates word]

Mr. Schoener: Bam. Bam. [elongates word] We’re not saying this?

Pam: No, you’re saying “Bam,” and it’s “Pam.” You know, short for Pamela?

Mrs. Schoener: Baronen.

Brian: Pamela.

Mr. Schoener: Harpelo.

Brian: Pamela.

[Mr. and Mrs. Schoener continue to say peculiar trisyllabic things]

Brian: You know what? Perfect! You guys got it. Perfect.

[Tato enters, skipping, with a tray containing small bags]

Mr. Schoener: Oh, here is Tato with the drinks.

Mrs. Schoener: Oh! Thank you, Tato!

Tato: [giggling and covering mouth with hand ] I’m shy. [skips out]

Mr. Schoener: We find his joy exhilirating. [lifts a bag from the tray] To the new website!

Brian: Right, to our new website! [takes a bag] I’m sorry, I don’t…How do you drink out of these bags?

Mr. Schoener: You don’t know Mouthware?

Mrs. Schoener: You poke the bottom, stupid silly.

[Mr. and Mrs. Schoener poke the bottoms of their bags with small sticks and hold the bags up so the streams of fluid pour into their mouths]

Pam: Hey, what’s going on back there?

[Tato enters, skipping, with a tray containing Chinese-style takeout containers. He sets it down and skips out.]

Mrs. Schoener: Mmmmm! Rice paste! Would you like some, Brian?

Brian: Rice paste? No thank you; I’m good.

Mrs. Schoener: Oh, but you must eat it. It’s like an intense workout for your colon. [makes arm gestures as if exercising]

Brian: No, really, I’m good.

Mr. Schoener: Well, Brian, don’t be such a stranger. [he and his wife begin shoving large clumps of rice into their mouths] Tell us a little about yourself.

Brian: Okay, uh, well, I grew up in Ohio.

Mr. Schoener: Stop. Tato, we want to hear Brian’s story to music. It’ll be more theatrical.

[Tato skips in, makes a circular motion with his hand, and skips out. Bizarre synthesized music plays.]

Brian: Okay, uh, I was born in Dayton, and I studied web design at UCLA where I got my bachelors. And then I moved to New York in search of work. Can I just use the bathroom?

[music stops]

Mrs. Schoener: [with mouth full of rice] Yes. It’s right over there behind that glass door.

[Brian looks askance at the bathroom door, which is completely transparent, before entering the bathroom and closing the door. He begins to reach for his zipper before snapping out of his preoccupation]

Brian: Okay, you know what? I forgot: I have a tennis lesson that I have to be at. So we’re going to get going. Come on, Pam.

Pam: Oh, okay.

Brian: Thank you guys so much for the drinks and paste.

Pam: You guys had drinks and paste?

Brian: I’m really looking forward to working with you, Mr. Schoener.

Mr. and Mrs. Schoener: Nuni!

Brian: Right, whatever. Come on, honey. [exits]

Pam: Oh, thank you for your hospitality! [exits]

Mr. Schoener: Goodbye, Bam!

Mrs. Schoener: Bye-bye, Bar!

Mr. Schoener: Oh, they were delightful!

[strange electronic sounds]

Mr. Schoener: Darling, get the telephone, please.

[Mrs. Schoner walks forward and is suddenly enveloped by light]

Mrs. Schoener: Hello? Darling, it’s Gretchen! She wants to know if we’re going to the balloon festival!

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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