Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 9
White House Press Conference
Fredrick Whitfield….Maya Rudolph
President Bush….Will Forte
Bill Clinton….Darrell Hammond
George Bush, Sr…..Fred Armisen
Reporter #1….Amy Poehler
Reporter #2….Seth Meyers
Reporter #3….Finesse Mitchell
Reporter #4….Rachel Dratch
[CNN logo and theme]
Voiceover: Bad stuff happens, CNN is there. Coincidence?
Fredricka Whitfield: Good afternoon, I’m Fredricka Whitfield. We have received word that President Bush is about to give another press conference with former President Clinton and his father, former President Bush. We now take you live to the White House.
President George W. Bush: Good afternoon and thanks for comin’ out. And I wanna thank these two distinguished Americans for being here with me today.
Bill Clinton: Well, I’m always happy to be in front of reporters, George.[cut to reporters laughing]
George Bush, Sr.: Wouldn’t miss it for the world.
President George W. Bush: Already these gentlemen have helped raise millions of dollars in the world wide tsunami relief effort, and I am pleased to announce that their efforts will be expanded to include the victims of the California mud slides, in what we are now calling “the war on weather.” Our hearts go out to all the muslim countries and blue states, that are currently suffering the wrath of God with these crazy Bible times floods. I will now reluctantly take your questions.[reporters raise their hands and say “Mr. President”]
President George W. Bush: Yes, Margaret?
Reporter #1: Mr. President, what do you say to critics who claim you were slow to respond with aid to the tsunami victims?
President George W. Bush: Well, you know, I’ll tell you, Margaret. I was right out there, you know. I came forward in a matter of days and pledged a couple hundred bucks. You know, some people said that wasn’t enough. But people don’t understand, that was just an initial response. You know, that was before I understood what a tsunami was. I’m from Texas, we don’t have tsunamis. You know, someone tells me a big wave hit, I think a couple hundred bucks oughta cover it.
Bill Clinton: I think what President Bush is saying is that the United States will continue to adjust our contributions to South East Asia as the rebuilding continues, for the need is great and their friendship is important to us.
President George W. Bush: Yeah.[reporters raise their hands and say “Mr. President”]
Reporter #2: Mr. President, do you consider American tsunami relief efforts an opportunity to restore good will among muslims?
President George W. Bush: I hope so, Tom. You know, I hope these people see what we’re doing and realize that America’s heart is a giant. You know, it’s our- it’s our most gigantic part. And it’s coming to get them.
Bill Clinton: I think what the President is saying, Tom, is that we’re gonna help these people because they need help. And if that improves our image in the world then that is a wonderful bi product.
President George W. Bush: What he said, you know, it’s, uh…[reporters raise their hands and say “Mr. President”]
Reporter #1: Mr. President, follow-up. Do you have any plans to visit South East Asia in the near future?
President George W. Bush: Margaret, it’s a timing thing. You know, the area is- is real dangerous right now. And, from what I understand, it stinks real bad.
George Bush, Sr.: George–
Bill Clinton: [interrupts] Margaret, I agree with the President that at this time, it would not be appropriate to go.
George Bush, Sr.: We don’t wanna–
Bill Clinton: [interrupts] You know, when I was the President we had terrible floods in the Mississippi River valley, and what I learned is that sometimes it’s more important to let the relief workers do the good work that they do, unincombered.
George Bush, Sr.: And I agree that–
Bill Clinton: [interrupts] But, but I hope and I believe that sometime in the near future we’ll be able to visit Indonesia and Thailand, and see the fruits of our labors and stand together as a world community, proud of what we have done.
President George W. Bush: Dito on that.[reporters raise their hands and say “Mr. President”]
Reporter #3: Mr. President, what do you make of reports that al Qaeda operatives may pose as relief workers inside Indonesia and try to spark anti-American violence?
President George W. Bush: Well, Lamar, you know… this is the first I’m hearing of it, but the first response is it’s creepy. It gives me the creeps, I don’t like it, you know. But that’s what we’re up against here, a bunch of creeps, you know. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!
Bill Clinton: Lamar, when I was the President of the United States I put U.S. troops on the ground in Somalia in spite of the extreme risk, because the people there needed our help. And I think that’s what we’ll continue to do because that is our role in the world.
President George W. Bush: It’s our role, Lamar! … in the world. It’s, uh… hard work.[reporters raise their hands and say “Mr. President”]
Reporter #4: Mr. President, on Wednesday the search for weapons of mass destruction was called off in Iraq. Does your administration finally admit defeat on this issue?
President George W. Bush: Well, Sharon, we’ve been through this like a hundred times, alright. Just because there were no weapons of mass destruction found, doesn’t mean that this administration did not know that they weren’t there or will not continue to be not there in the future. We just don’t know. Heck, we could have been lying about them the whole time and then somebody would have found somthing, and we would have looked like geniuses! But we don’t, that’s not our style. You know, I mean, uh… Bill, you wanna get in on this?
Bill Clinton: Well, first of all let me say – hello, Sharon. It’s nice to see you again. You’ve changed your hair, and I think the color really does light up your face.[cut to Sharon looking spellbound]
Bill Clinton: But… what I think the President is trying to say is that our reasons for being into Iraq were maniple.
President George W. Bush: Yeah!
Bill Clinton: And now that we’re there we need to focus positive attention on getting our troops home safe.
President George W. Bush: Well, I know that!
Bill Clinton: And in assisting the Iraqi people in determining their own fate through democratic elections.
President George W. Bush: That’s what I’ve been sayin’! I’ve been sayin’ that for months!
George Bush, Sr.: They like it better when he says it. [indicates Clinton]
Bill Clinton: And if I may be so bold, I can think of a couple of other things the President might like to say.
President George W. Bush: Yeah, get on it, be bold.
Bill Clinton: For instance, we welcome Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas to the stage and hope he’ll be a force for peace in the Middle East.
President George W. Bush: Yeah, yeah.
Bill Clinton: Also, Monday is Martin Luther King Day.
President George W. Bush: Oh.[pause]
Bill Clinton: … And we take pride in the amazing progress we have made together as a country.
President George W. Bush: Yeah, yeah, I wanna say that.
Bill Clinton: And finally, to our friends in the Ukraine – live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.
Submitted by: Maria Hartman