SNL Transcripts: Topher Grace: 01/15/05: The Not So Incredible Adventures of the Down and Out Dollar

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 9

04i: Topher Grace / The Killers

The Not So Incredible Adventures of the Down and Out Dollar

American Dollar…..Amy Poehler
Euro…..Topher Grace
British Pound…..Seth Meyers
Mexican Peso…..Horatio Sanz
Japanese Yen…..Maya Rudolph
Canadian Loonie…..Will Forte

[ opens on a sign which reads The Not So Incredible Adventures of the Down and Out Dollar]

Don Pardo: And now the Not Incredible Adventures of the Down and Out Dollar.

[pans to American Dollar entering a street scene]

American Dollar: [ in a sad voice ] Oh, boy oh boy. [ kicks a can away ] What a year, it sure does stink being a US dollar. Here it is, 2005, and I’m at an all-time low. I used to be on top of the world, now look at me- good for nothing. Who wants a measly old dollar?

[ Euro enters ]

Euro: [ in a happy French accent ] Dollar? Is that you?

American Dollar: Oh. Hey Euro.

Euro: Oh my goodness Dollar, you look awful!

American Dollar: Oh jeez, here we go again.

Euro: Look at me, look at all my wonderful colors, aren’t they supercool? You like my hologram? Look at it this way, now look how it changes!

American Dollar: Oh boy it sure is nice. I wish I had a hologram.

Euro: Hey Dollar, do you want to hear a joke? Knock, knock.

American Dollar: Oh, who’s there?

Euro: Germany. And France. And Greece. And Italy. And Denmark. And Luxembourg. And Belgium. They’re all stronger then you, hahaha ha! Is that not funny?

American Dollar: Oh come on Euro! That ain’t a joke. Gimme a break.

[ British Pound enters ]

British Pound: [ With a British accent ] Why Euro old boy, is that you?

Euro: Mon dieu, Pound Note, I was just talking to our old friend the Dollar here.

British Pound: Oh, I almost didn’t see you there Dollar [ hits Dollar with his cane ] you’ve shrunk so much.

American Dollar: Alright, you guys, leave me alone would ya?

British Pound: Say Dollar, I have a proposition for you. I want you to punch me as hard as you can.

American Dollar: Aw, I don’t wanna.

British Pound: Oh, come on, have at it.

Euro: Huhhuhhuh, this will be good! Hahaha!

American Dollar: Oh boy. [ punches British Pound ] There. You happy?

British Pound: That was terrific fun! Dollar’s still weak, everyone! Huzzah! Oh look, here comes my friend the Peso.

[Mexican Peso enters ]

Mexican Peso: Yeaaaah! And who’s this guy? [ to American Dollar> ] Oh man, I never thought I’d see the day when the currency made the peso look good!

[ British Pound, Mexican Peso and Euro all laugh ]

American Dollar: All right all right, that’s enough!

Mexican Peso: I mean, I’m a friggin’ peso for God’s sakes!

[ British Pound, Euro and Mexican Peso all laugh again ]

American Dollar: Boy oh boy, I feel like a real dope.

Mexican Peso: Hey dollar, you want to buy some chiclets? Just get you and fifty of your friends!

[ British Pound, Euro and Mexican Peso all laugh again ]

American Dollar: Oh, that really smarts, you know.

[ Japanese Yen enters ]

Japanese Yen: [ With a Japanese accent ] Hello, Dollar-san.

American Dollar: Oh hey there, Yen. You’re not gonna razz me too, are ya?

Japanese Yen: When I go to New York, I buy a very big Louis Vuitton suitcase for price of one Big Mac [ holds up one finger ] in Tokyo.

[ All but American Dollar laugh ]

American Dollar: All right, take it easy.

Japanese Yen: Dollar is very bad! [ laughs again ]

American Dollar: Aw, come on, why do you guys have to give me the business?

Euro: Oh, don’t you know Dollar? Don’t you remember years ago, when you treated us like dog feces?

British Pound: I remember it like it was yesterday.

American Dollar: Oh boy!

[ Flashback ] [ British Pound, Euro, Japanese Yen and Mexican Peso are in a line in the background, American Dollar is holding a cigar ]

American Dollar: [ while waving around hands ] Here’s how it’s gonna go see! The Dollar’s king, gonna be king forever. Anyone who says otherwise gets a knuckle sandwich. Understood?

[ Others all nod and murmur accpetances in their languages ]

American Dollar: In English!

Others: Yes.

American Dollar: Ha! Ha! Haha!

[ End Flashback ]

American Dollar: Oh boy, oh boy, that was along time ago. Why d’ya have to bring that up? Just leave me be.

Euro: He’s right, let’s go. Hey, let’s go shopping!

British Pound: What should we buy?

Mexican Peso: Hey, let’s buy the Empire State Building!

[ All but American Dollar cheer and laugh while exiting ]

American Dollar: Oh boy. [ British Pound hits American Dollar with his cane ] Hey! [ hits again ] Aw! [ hits again ] Give me a break! There they go, aw nuts. Boy oh boy.

[ sings ]“The economy’s giving me a hell of a time,
Nowadays a dollar bill just ain’t worth a dime!
So smoke em if you got em,
It’s lonely at the bottom
When you’re a U.S. Dollar bill.”

[ Canadian Loonie enters ]

American Dollar: Looks like it’s just you and me, Canadian Loonie.

[ Canadian Loonie jumps around making strange noises while American Dollar shrugs ]

Don Pardo: This has been The Not Incredible Adventures of the Down and Out Dollar.

Submitted by: Kristin Fraumeni

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