SNL Transcripts: Topher Grace: 01/15/05: The Not So Incredible Adventures of the Down and Out Dollar


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 9

04i: Topher Grace / The Killers

The Not So Incredible Adventures of the Down and Out Dollar

American Dollar…..Amy Poehler
Euro…..Topher Grace
British Pound…..Seth Meyers
Mexican Peso…..Horatio Sanz
Japanese Yen…..Maya Rudolph
Canadian Loonie…..Will Forte

[ opens on a sign which reads The Not So Incredible Adventures of the Down and Out Dollar]

Don Pardo: And now the Not Incredible Adventures of the Down and Out Dollar.

[pans to American Dollar entering a street scene]

American Dollar: [ in a sad voice ] Oh, boy oh boy. [ kicks a can away ] What a year, it sure does stink being a US dollar. Here it is, 2005, and I’m at an all-time low. I used to be on top of the world, now look at me- good for nothing. Who wants a measly old dollar?

[ Euro enters ]

Euro: [ in a happy French accent ] Dollar? Is that you?

American Dollar: Oh. Hey Euro.

Euro: Oh my goodness Dollar, you look awful!

American Dollar: Oh jeez, here we go again.

Euro: Look at me, look at all my wonderful colors, aren’t they supercool? You like my hologram? Look at it this way, now look how it changes!

American Dollar: Oh boy it sure is nice. I wish I had a hologram.

Euro: Hey Dollar, do you want to hear a joke? Knock, knock.

American Dollar: Oh, who’s there?

Euro: Germany. And France. And Greece. And Italy. And Denmark. And Luxembourg. And Belgium. They’re all stronger then you, hahaha ha! Is that not funny?

American Dollar: Oh come on Euro! That ain’t a joke. Gimme a break.

[ British Pound enters ]

British Pound: [ With a British accent ] Why Euro old boy, is that you?

Euro: Mon dieu, Pound Note, I was just talking to our old friend the Dollar here.

British Pound: Oh, I almost didn’t see you there Dollar [ hits Dollar with his cane ] you’ve shrunk so much.

American Dollar: Alright, you guys, leave me alone would ya?

British Pound: Say Dollar, I have a proposition for you. I want you to punch me as hard as you can.

American Dollar: Aw, I don’t wanna.

British Pound: Oh, come on, have at it.

Euro: Huhhuhhuh, this will be good! Hahaha!

American Dollar: Oh boy. [ punches British Pound ] There. You happy?

British Pound: That was terrific fun! Dollar’s still weak, everyone! Huzzah! Oh look, here comes my friend the Peso.

[Mexican Peso enters ]

Mexican Peso: Yeaaaah! And who’s this guy? [ to American Dollar> ] Oh man, I never thought I’d see the day when the currency made the peso look good!

[ British Pound, Mexican Peso and Euro all laugh ]

American Dollar: All right all right, that’s enough!

Mexican Peso: I mean, I’m a friggin’ peso for God’s sakes!

[ British Pound, Euro and Mexican Peso all laugh again ]

American Dollar: Boy oh boy, I feel like a real dope.

Mexican Peso: Hey dollar, you want to buy some chiclets? Just get you and fifty of your friends!

[ British Pound, Euro and Mexican Peso all laugh again ]

American Dollar: Oh, that really smarts, you know.

[ Japanese Yen enters ]

Japanese Yen: [ With a Japanese accent ] Hello, Dollar-san.

American Dollar: Oh hey there, Yen. You’re not gonna razz me too, are ya?

Japanese Yen: When I go to New York, I buy a very big Louis Vuitton suitcase for price of one Big Mac [ holds up one finger ] in Tokyo.

[ All but American Dollar laugh ]

American Dollar: All right, take it easy.

Japanese Yen: Dollar is very bad! [ laughs again ]

American Dollar: Aw, come on, why do you guys have to give me the business?

Euro: Oh, don’t you know Dollar? Don’t you remember years ago, when you treated us like dog feces?

British Pound: I remember it like it was yesterday.

American Dollar: Oh boy!

[ Flashback ] [ British Pound, Euro, Japanese Yen and Mexican Peso are in a line in the background, American Dollar is holding a cigar ]

American Dollar: [ while waving around hands ] Here’s how it’s gonna go see! The Dollar’s king, gonna be king forever. Anyone who says otherwise gets a knuckle sandwich. Understood?

[ Others all nod and murmur accpetances in their languages ]

American Dollar: In English!

Others: Yes.

American Dollar: Ha! Ha! Haha!

[ End Flashback ]

American Dollar: Oh boy, oh boy, that was along time ago. Why d’ya have to bring that up? Just leave me be.

Euro: He’s right, let’s go. Hey, let’s go shopping!

British Pound: What should we buy?

Mexican Peso: Hey, let’s buy the Empire State Building!

[ All but American Dollar cheer and laugh while exiting ]

American Dollar: Oh boy. [ British Pound hits American Dollar with his cane ] Hey! [ hits again ] Aw! [ hits again ] Give me a break! There they go, aw nuts. Boy oh boy.

[ sings ]“The economy’s giving me a hell of a time,
Nowadays a dollar bill just ain’t worth a dime!
So smoke em if you got em,
It’s lonely at the bottom
When you’re a U.S. Dollar bill.”

[ Canadian Loonie enters ]

American Dollar: Looks like it’s just you and me, Canadian Loonie.

[ Canadian Loonie jumps around making strange noises while American Dollar shrugs ]

Don Pardo: This has been The Not Incredible Adventures of the Down and Out Dollar.

Submitted by: Kristin Fraumeni

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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