Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 9
The Not So Incredible Adventures of the Down and Out Dollar
American Dollar…..Amy Poehler
British Pound…..Seth Meyers
Mexican Peso…..Horatio Sanz
Japanese Yen…..Maya Rudolph
Canadian Loonie…..Will Forte
Don Pardo: And now the Not Incredible Adventures of the Down and Out Dollar.[pans to American Dollar entering a street scene]
American Dollar: [ in a sad voice ] Oh, boy oh boy. [ kicks a can away ] What a year, it sure does stink being a US dollar. Here it is, 2005, and I’m at an all-time low. I used to be on top of the world, now look at me- good for nothing. Who wants a measly old dollar?
Euro: [ in a happy French accent ] Dollar? Is that you?
American Dollar: Oh. Hey Euro.
Euro: Oh my goodness Dollar, you look awful!
American Dollar: Oh jeez, here we go again.
Euro: Look at me, look at all my wonderful colors, aren’t they supercool? You like my hologram? Look at it this way, now look how it changes!
American Dollar: Oh boy it sure is nice. I wish I had a hologram.
Euro: Hey Dollar, do you want to hear a joke? Knock, knock.
American Dollar: Oh, who’s there?
Euro: Germany. And France. And Greece. And Italy. And Denmark. And Luxembourg. And Belgium. They’re all stronger then you, hahaha ha! Is that not funny?
American Dollar: Oh come on Euro! That ain’t a joke. Gimme a break.[ British Pound enters ]
British Pound: [ With a British accent ] Why Euro old boy, is that you?
Euro: Mon dieu, Pound Note, I was just talking to our old friend the Dollar here.
British Pound: Oh, I almost didn’t see you there Dollar [ hits Dollar with his cane ] you’ve shrunk so much.
American Dollar: Alright, you guys, leave me alone would ya?
British Pound: Say Dollar, I have a proposition for you. I want you to punch me as hard as you can.
American Dollar: Aw, I don’t wanna.
British Pound: Oh, come on, have at it.
Euro: Huhhuhhuh, this will be good! Hahaha!
American Dollar: Oh boy. [ punches British Pound ] There. You happy?
British Pound: That was terrific fun! Dollar’s still weak, everyone! Huzzah! Oh look, here comes my friend the Peso.[Mexican Peso enters ]
Mexican Peso: Yeaaaah! And who’s this guy? [ to American Dollar> ] Oh man, I never thought I’d see the day when the currency made the peso look good![ British Pound, Mexican Peso and Euro all laugh ]
American Dollar: All right all right, that’s enough!
Mexican Peso: I mean, I’m a friggin’ peso for God’s sakes![ British Pound, Euro and Mexican Peso all laugh again ]
American Dollar: Boy oh boy, I feel like a real dope.
Mexican Peso: Hey dollar, you want to buy some chiclets? Just get you and fifty of your friends![ British Pound, Euro and Mexican Peso all laugh again ]
American Dollar: Oh, that really smarts, you know.[ Japanese Yen enters ]
Japanese Yen: [ With a Japanese accent ] Hello, Dollar-san.
American Dollar: Oh hey there, Yen. You’re not gonna razz me too, are ya?
Japanese Yen: When I go to New York, I buy a very big Louis Vuitton suitcase for price of one Big Mac [ holds up one finger ] in Tokyo.[ All but American Dollar laugh ]
American Dollar: All right, take it easy.
Japanese Yen: Dollar is very bad! [ laughs again ]
American Dollar: Aw, come on, why do you guys have to give me the business?
Euro: Oh, don’t you know Dollar? Don’t you remember years ago, when you treated us like dog feces?
British Pound: I remember it like it was yesterday.
American Dollar: Oh boy![ Flashback ] [ British Pound, Euro, Japanese Yen and Mexican Peso are in a line in the background, American Dollar is holding a cigar ]
American Dollar: [ while waving around hands ] Here’s how it’s gonna go see! The Dollar’s king, gonna be king forever. Anyone who says otherwise gets a knuckle sandwich. Understood?[ Others all nod and murmur accpetances in their languages ]
American Dollar: In English!
American Dollar: Ha! Ha! Haha![ End Flashback ]
American Dollar: Oh boy, oh boy, that was along time ago. Why d’ya have to bring that up? Just leave me be.
Euro: He’s right, let’s go. Hey, let’s go shopping!
British Pound: What should we buy?
Mexican Peso: Hey, let’s buy the Empire State Building![ All but American Dollar cheer and laugh while exiting ]
American Dollar: Oh boy. [ British Pound hits American Dollar with his cane ] Hey! [ hits again ] Aw! [ hits again ] Give me a break! There they go, aw nuts. Boy oh boy.[ sings ]“The economy’s giving me a hell of a time,
Nowadays a dollar bill just ain’t worth a dime!
So smoke em if you got em,
It’s lonely at the bottom
When you’re a U.S. Dollar bill.” [ Canadian Loonie enters ]
American Dollar: Looks like it’s just you and me, Canadian Loonie.[ Canadian Loonie jumps around making strange noises while American Dollar shrugs ]
Don Pardo: This has been The Not Incredible Adventures of the Down and Out Dollar.
Submitted by: Kristin Fraumeni