SNL Transcripts: Topher Grace: 01/15/05: Martin Luther King Day

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 9

04i: Topher Grace / The Killers

Martin Luther King Day

Wilmore…..Kenan Thompson
Kendall…..Finesse Mitchell
Male Paramedic…..Seth Meyers
Female Paramedic…..Amy Poehler
Ricky…..Topher Grace
Martinez…..Horatio Sanz
Logan…..Fred Armisen
Paramedic #2…..Rob Riggle

[ open on exterior, ambulance pulling up to hospital emergency entrance ] [ dissolve to interior, staff lounge, as Wilmore enters with coffee for himself and Kendall, then sits down. At the same time, a pair of white paramedics return from a call. ]

Kendall: Hey, how’d it go?

Male Paramedic: It was a bad one. An old woman’s dog knocked over a space heater and burned the house down.

Female Paramedic: Yeah. The woman got out, but she tweisted her ankle. Luckily, she’s gonna be okay.

Male Paramedic: Yeah.

[ emergency alarm beeps, as Ricky enters with clipboard ]

Ricky: Okay. We’ve got a car accident at Broadway and Cullen. They need paramedics on the scene. Wilmore.. Kendall.. you guys are up.

Wilmore: You gonna make us go?

Ricky: Uh, yeah.. it’s your turn.

Kendall: He must not know what day it is.

Wilmore: He can’t know!

Ricky: [ confused ] What day is it?

Kendall: I told you he ain’t know! They never know!

Ricky: [ still confused ] What are you guys talking about?

Kendall: Well, Ricky, for your information, it’s Martin Luther King Day.

Wilmore: [ jubilant ] Martin Luther King Day! [ they toast their coffee mugs ]

Ricky: Uh, guys.. we’ve got accident victims who need help.

Kendall: And you got two people sitting right there, and it ain’t their day. It’s our day!

Wilmore: Martin Luther King Day.

Female Paramedic: We just got back from the run. It’s your turn.

Kendall: [ outraged ] For all the holidays you people get, you would make us work on our only holiday?

Male Paramedic: [ amused ] Yeah, but you get off on the same holidays we get off.

Wilmore: B-but they’re not for us, okay? All we got is Martin Luther King Day!

Kendall: Unless.. you got something against Martin Luther King?

[ they perk their ears and ask, “What? What? What?” as the white paramedics give in to their nonsense ]

Female Paramedic: Fine. Then, we’ll take it.

[ white paramedics exit ]

Ricky: Look. You guys are usually my best paramedics. You know I respect my heritage?

Wilmore: Did he say “heritage”?

Kendall: I think he said “heritage.”

Ricky: [ flustered ] Well, I-I.. I.. don’t know how that’s disrespectful.

Kendall: Me, either. But, today of all days, when we commemorate the day when the LAPD pulled Martin Luther King out of his car, and beat him with those nightsticks — [ starts to cry ]

Ricky: Okay, you guys are talking about Rodney King.

Wilmore: He’s right.

Wilmore: Well, don’t be telling me about my people!

Kendall: Ooh, he’s right.

Ricky: O-kay.. I’m just going back to my office. [ retreats back to his office ]

Wilmore: Yeah, you do that, Ricky!

Kendall: Peace, Ricky!

[ Logan and Martinez enter ]

Wilmore: Hey, how’d it go?

Martinez: Oh, not too bad. Nothing serious. Some knuckleheads.

Logan: Yeah, a male Caucasian, 40, broke his leg playing basketball.

Kendall: White people playing basketball.

Wilmore: I’m alright, on Martin Luther King Day.

[ emergency alarm beeps, as Ricky enters with clipboard ]

Ricky: Okay, you guys, I’ve got a call. A guy fell off a ladder and broke his arm. [ Wilmore and Kendall don’t move an inch ] Uh.. Martinez and Logan, I need you on this one.

Logan: [ whining ] But it’s their turn!

Wilmore: Any other day, you would be correct. But not today. Martin Luther King Day! [ toasts his coffee mug with Kendall’s ]

Martinez: They’re right. I shouldn’t have to work on Martin Luther King Day, either.

Ricky: Can I ask why, Martinez?

Martinez: No, you may not. It’s a black thing. You wouldn’t understand. [ holds up his hand for a high-five from Wilmore and Kendall, but doesn’t receive one ] Okay, we’ll go. [ he and Logan stand ] But I’m not working on Cesar Chavez Day.

Ricky: Whatever.

Martinez: ‘Cause that guy.. was a good boxer.. and I’m not working on his birthday. [ he and Logan exit ]

Ricky: Look.. guys.. why’d you even come in today?

Kendall: ‘Cause we’re dedicated professionals.

Wilmore: Plus, we get time-and-a-half off on the holiday!

Kendall: That’s right! [ they laugh ]

Ricky: Okay, do you guys even know anything about this holiday?

Wilmore: I know one thing about Martin Luther King Day – you trying to make us work!

Ricky: Do you know anything about black history? Booker T. Washington? Rosa Parks? Frederick Douglas?

Kendall: Whoa-oa! I know Frederick Douglas! He was a high school in Atlanta! I went there about five years, I know —

[ emergency alarm beeps, as Male Paramedic #2 enters with a note for Ricky ]

Ricky: Okay, uh.. look.. you guys, there’s no one else here. I hate to do this to you on.. Martin Luther King Day – a day which you.. seem to know nothing about. But the catwalk collapsed at a fashion show, and some models have been injured.

Kendall: [ interested ] Uh, wait a minute. Male or female?

Ricky: Uh.. female. They’re plus-sized models.

[ Wilmore and Kendall hurriedly rush off to save the day ] [ fade ]

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