Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 9
Martin Luther King Day
Male Paramedic…..Seth Meyers
Female Paramedic…..Amy Poehler
Paramedic #2…..Rob Riggle
[ open on exterior, ambulance pulling up to hospital emergency entrance ] [ dissolve to interior, staff lounge, as Wilmore enters with coffee for himself and Kendall, then sits down. At the same time, a pair of white paramedics return from a call. ]
Kendall: Hey, how’d it go?
Male Paramedic: It was a bad one. An old woman’s dog knocked over a space heater and burned the house down.
Female Paramedic: Yeah. The woman got out, but she tweisted her ankle. Luckily, she’s gonna be okay.
Male Paramedic: Yeah.[ emergency alarm beeps, as Ricky enters with clipboard ]
Ricky: Okay. We’ve got a car accident at Broadway and Cullen. They need paramedics on the scene. Wilmore.. Kendall.. you guys are up.
Wilmore: You gonna make us go?
Ricky: Uh, yeah.. it’s your turn.
Kendall: He must not know what day it is.
Wilmore: He can’t know!
Ricky: [ confused ] What day is it?
Kendall: I told you he ain’t know! They never know!
Ricky: [ still confused ] What are you guys talking about?
Kendall: Well, Ricky, for your information, it’s Martin Luther King Day.
Wilmore: [ jubilant ] Martin Luther King Day! [ they toast their coffee mugs ]
Ricky: Uh, guys.. we’ve got accident victims who need help.
Kendall: And you got two people sitting right there, and it ain’t their day. It’s our day!
Wilmore: Martin Luther King Day.
Female Paramedic: We just got back from the run. It’s your turn.
Kendall: [ outraged ] For all the holidays you people get, you would make us work on our only holiday?
Male Paramedic: [ amused ] Yeah, but you get off on the same holidays we get off.
Wilmore: B-but they’re not for us, okay? All we got is Martin Luther King Day!
Kendall: Unless.. you got something against Martin Luther King?[ they perk their ears and ask, “What? What? What?” as the white paramedics give in to their nonsense ]
Female Paramedic: Fine. Then, we’ll take it.[ white paramedics exit ]
Ricky: Look. You guys are usually my best paramedics. You know I respect my heritage?
Wilmore: Did he say “heritage”?
Kendall: I think he said “heritage.”
Ricky: [ flustered ] Well, I-I.. I.. don’t know how that’s disrespectful.
Kendall: Me, either. But, today of all days, when we commemorate the day when the LAPD pulled Martin Luther King out of his car, and beat him with those nightsticks — [ starts to cry ]
Ricky: Okay, you guys are talking about Rodney King.
Wilmore: He’s right.
Wilmore: Well, don’t be telling me about my people!
Kendall: Ooh, he’s right.
Ricky: O-kay.. I’m just going back to my office. [ retreats back to his office ]
Wilmore: Yeah, you do that, Ricky!
Kendall: Peace, Ricky![ Logan and Martinez enter ]
Wilmore: Hey, how’d it go?
Martinez: Oh, not too bad. Nothing serious. Some knuckleheads.
Logan: Yeah, a male Caucasian, 40, broke his leg playing basketball.
Kendall: White people playing basketball.
Wilmore: I’m alright, on Martin Luther King Day.[ emergency alarm beeps, as Ricky enters with clipboard ]
Ricky: Okay, you guys, I’ve got a call. A guy fell off a ladder and broke his arm. [ Wilmore and Kendall don’t move an inch ] Uh.. Martinez and Logan, I need you on this one.
Logan: [ whining ] But it’s their turn!
Wilmore: Any other day, you would be correct. But not today. Martin Luther King Day! [ toasts his coffee mug with Kendall’s ]
Martinez: They’re right. I shouldn’t have to work on Martin Luther King Day, either.
Ricky: Can I ask why, Martinez?
Martinez: No, you may not. It’s a black thing. You wouldn’t understand. [ holds up his hand for a high-five from Wilmore and Kendall, but doesn’t receive one ] Okay, we’ll go. [ he and Logan stand ] But I’m not working on Cesar Chavez Day.
Martinez: ‘Cause that guy.. was a good boxer.. and I’m not working on his birthday. [ he and Logan exit ]
Ricky: Look.. guys.. why’d you even come in today?
Kendall: ‘Cause we’re dedicated professionals.
Wilmore: Plus, we get time-and-a-half off on the holiday!
Kendall: That’s right! [ they laugh ]
Ricky: Okay, do you guys even know anything about this holiday?
Wilmore: I know one thing about Martin Luther King Day – you trying to make us work!
Ricky: Do you know anything about black history? Booker T. Washington? Rosa Parks? Frederick Douglas?
Kendall: Whoa-oa! I know Frederick Douglas! He was a high school in Atlanta! I went there about five years, I know —[ emergency alarm beeps, as Male Paramedic #2 enters with a note for Ricky ]
Ricky: Okay, uh.. look.. you guys, there’s no one else here. I hate to do this to you on.. Martin Luther King Day – a day which you.. seem to know nothing about. But the catwalk collapsed at a fashion show, and some models have been injured.
Kendall: [ interested ] Uh, wait a minute. Male or female?
Ricky: Uh.. female. They’re plus-sized models.[ Wilmore and Kendall hurriedly rush off to save the day ] [ fade ]