SNL Transcripts: Topher Grace: 01/15/05: Martin Luther King Day


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 9

04i: Topher Grace / The Killers

Martin Luther King Day

Wilmore…..Kenan Thompson
Kendall…..Finesse Mitchell
Male Paramedic…..Seth Meyers
Female Paramedic…..Amy Poehler
Ricky…..Topher Grace
Martinez…..Horatio Sanz
Logan…..Fred Armisen
Paramedic #2…..Rob Riggle

[ open on exterior, ambulance pulling up to hospital emergency entrance ] [ dissolve to interior, staff lounge, as Wilmore enters with coffee for himself and Kendall, then sits down. At the same time, a pair of white paramedics return from a call. ]

Kendall: Hey, how’d it go?

Male Paramedic: It was a bad one. An old woman’s dog knocked over a space heater and burned the house down.

Female Paramedic: Yeah. The woman got out, but she tweisted her ankle. Luckily, she’s gonna be okay.

Male Paramedic: Yeah.

[ emergency alarm beeps, as Ricky enters with clipboard ]

Ricky: Okay. We’ve got a car accident at Broadway and Cullen. They need paramedics on the scene. Wilmore.. Kendall.. you guys are up.

Wilmore: You gonna make us go?

Ricky: Uh, yeah.. it’s your turn.

Kendall: He must not know what day it is.

Wilmore: He can’t know!

Ricky: [ confused ] What day is it?

Kendall: I told you he ain’t know! They never know!

Ricky: [ still confused ] What are you guys talking about?

Kendall: Well, Ricky, for your information, it’s Martin Luther King Day.

Wilmore: [ jubilant ] Martin Luther King Day! [ they toast their coffee mugs ]

Ricky: Uh, guys.. we’ve got accident victims who need help.

Kendall: And you got two people sitting right there, and it ain’t their day. It’s our day!

Wilmore: Martin Luther King Day.

Female Paramedic: We just got back from the run. It’s your turn.

Kendall: [ outraged ] For all the holidays you people get, you would make us work on our only holiday?

Male Paramedic: [ amused ] Yeah, but you get off on the same holidays we get off.

Wilmore: B-but they’re not for us, okay? All we got is Martin Luther King Day!

Kendall: Unless.. you got something against Martin Luther King?

[ they perk their ears and ask, “What? What? What?” as the white paramedics give in to their nonsense ]

Female Paramedic: Fine. Then, we’ll take it.

[ white paramedics exit ]

Ricky: Look. You guys are usually my best paramedics. You know I respect my heritage?

Wilmore: Did he say “heritage”?

Kendall: I think he said “heritage.”

Ricky: [ flustered ] Well, I-I.. I.. don’t know how that’s disrespectful.

Kendall: Me, either. But, today of all days, when we commemorate the day when the LAPD pulled Martin Luther King out of his car, and beat him with those nightsticks — [ starts to cry ]

Ricky: Okay, you guys are talking about Rodney King.

Wilmore: He’s right.

Wilmore: Well, don’t be telling me about my people!

Kendall: Ooh, he’s right.

Ricky: O-kay.. I’m just going back to my office. [ retreats back to his office ]

Wilmore: Yeah, you do that, Ricky!

Kendall: Peace, Ricky!

[ Logan and Martinez enter ]

Wilmore: Hey, how’d it go?

Martinez: Oh, not too bad. Nothing serious. Some knuckleheads.

Logan: Yeah, a male Caucasian, 40, broke his leg playing basketball.

Kendall: White people playing basketball.

Wilmore: I’m alright, on Martin Luther King Day.

[ emergency alarm beeps, as Ricky enters with clipboard ]

Ricky: Okay, you guys, I’ve got a call. A guy fell off a ladder and broke his arm. [ Wilmore and Kendall don’t move an inch ] Uh.. Martinez and Logan, I need you on this one.

Logan: [ whining ] But it’s their turn!

Wilmore: Any other day, you would be correct. But not today. Martin Luther King Day! [ toasts his coffee mug with Kendall’s ]

Martinez: They’re right. I shouldn’t have to work on Martin Luther King Day, either.

Ricky: Can I ask why, Martinez?

Martinez: No, you may not. It’s a black thing. You wouldn’t understand. [ holds up his hand for a high-five from Wilmore and Kendall, but doesn’t receive one ] Okay, we’ll go. [ he and Logan stand ] But I’m not working on Cesar Chavez Day.

Ricky: Whatever.

Martinez: ‘Cause that guy.. was a good boxer.. and I’m not working on his birthday. [ he and Logan exit ]

Ricky: Look.. guys.. why’d you even come in today?

Kendall: ‘Cause we’re dedicated professionals.

Wilmore: Plus, we get time-and-a-half off on the holiday!

Kendall: That’s right! [ they laugh ]

Ricky: Okay, do you guys even know anything about this holiday?

Wilmore: I know one thing about Martin Luther King Day – you trying to make us work!

Ricky: Do you know anything about black history? Booker T. Washington? Rosa Parks? Frederick Douglas?

Kendall: Whoa-oa! I know Frederick Douglas! He was a high school in Atlanta! I went there about five years, I know —

[ emergency alarm beeps, as Male Paramedic #2 enters with a note for Ricky ]

Ricky: Okay, uh.. look.. you guys, there’s no one else here. I hate to do this to you on.. Martin Luther King Day – a day which you.. seem to know nothing about. But the catwalk collapsed at a fashion show, and some models have been injured.

Kendall: [ interested ] Uh, wait a minute. Male or female?

Ricky: Uh.. female. They’re plus-sized models.

[ Wilmore and Kendall hurriedly rush off to save the day ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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