Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 9
Topher Grace’s Monologue
Topher Grace…..Topher Grace
Male Audience Member #1…..John Lutz
Male Audience Member #2…..Jason Sudeikis
Terrell’s Wife…..Paula Pell
Female Audience Member…..Liz Cackowski
Topher Grace: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, I’m totally psyched to be here at Saturday Night Live. This is kinda like the original ‘That 70s Show’ and I’m just really excited to be hosting. Um, unless this is like just some really elaborate set-up to getting me Punk’d. In which case I wanna say, I knew it, Ashton! Okay? I totally saw it coming so I’m with it, all right? [looks around] No? I’m not getting Punk’d? I’m actually… hosting Saturday Night Live? Okay, awesome. Uh, you know, something I like to do on my show is take questions from the audience so if anyone… Yeah, yes sir? [points to Male Audience Member #1]
Male Audience Member #1: [stands up] Hello Topher, uh, no question, I just want to say that I for one am very excited that you’re hosting tonight instead of Jennifer Garner.
Topher Grace: Oh, yeah, thank you. Um, some of you may know Jennifer Garner was originally supposed to host the show tonight but she couldn’t do it because she hurt her back doing a stunt.
Male Audience Member #1: That’s not what I heard. I read on the internet that Ben Affleck gave her syphilis.
Topher Grace: No, no no no no, no. Uh, that’s- I don’t know where you read that but I’m sure that’s not true.
Male Audience Member #1: I don’t know, read it on the internet.
Topher Grace: Well… not everything you read on the internet is true.
Male Audience Member #1: [laughs] You better hope not, there’s some gross rumors about you on there.
Topher Grace: Where?
Male Audience Member: On my website.
Topher Grace: …Okay, another question? [points to a man in the audience] Yes?
Male Audience Member #2: Yeah, hey buddy, how ya livin’? Hey look, I gotta question, what’s the deal with your name?
Topher Grace: Oh, yeah, uh, I get this a lot. Topher is short for Christopher. Kinda the same way Chris is.
Male Audience Member #2: Yeah, but what? You think you’re too classy to be called Chris?
Topher Grace: No, just- you know, Topher’s just another variation on Chris.
Male Audience Member #2: Uh huh, yeah yeah yeah, like a classier variation?
Topher Grace: Look, it suits me better. Certain names fit certain people. Like, hey, what’s your name?
Male Audience Member #2: My name’s Chris.
Topher Grace: …And… that suits you.
Male Audience Member #2: Okay, so you’re saying that I can name my kid Matthew, and call him Thew. Right? I can do that, I can do that and expect people not to kick the crap out of him?
Topher Grace: I guess so, yeah. Okay, any other questions?
Terrell: Yeah, I have a question. Where is Jennifer Garner at?
Terrell’s Wife: Terrell, come on.
Topher Grace: Man, I already answered that. Did you get here late or something?
Terrell: Why? You think I showed up late because I’m black? You think I’m on colored people time?
Topher Grace: [offended] Oh my God, no I didn’t, no, I didn’t say anything like that.
Terrell: You are a racist! For your information, I missed the beginning of the speech because I had to go out in the hall and smoke a little weed… and buy myself a grape soda, you racist!
Terrell’s Wife: Terrell, calm down!
Terrell: Woman, bring it on! Come on! [they both leave] Bring it!
Topher Grace: Okay, I am being Punk’d, right? Could I just go out with one normal question? Yes? [points to Female Audience Member]
Female Audience Member: I have a question, uh, I was wondering… could you tell me how the Jets missed two Field Goals in a row?!?!
Topher Grace: You know what? I don’t know. But I’ll tell you what, we’re gonna help you take your minds off of it by having a great show. The Killers are here! So stick around and we’re coming right back!
Submitted by: Sanyu