SNL Transcripts: Topher Grace: 01/15/05: CBS Evening Fraudulent Document Update


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 9

04i: Topher Grace / The Killers

CBS Evening Fraudulent Document Update

Dan Rather…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: [ over animated titles ] The CBS Evening Fraudulent Document Update, with Dan Rather.

[ dissolve to Dan Rather ]

Dan Rather: Good evening. This is the CBS Evening Fraudulent Document Update, Dan Rather reporting. Earlier this week, CBS News announced the results of an internal investigation, lasting several months, and of the use of possibly forged documents in a September “60 Minutes II” segment concerning President George W. Bush’s Vietnam-era service in the Texas Air National Guard.

Tonight, on the heels of that report, there are some startling new developments. To begin with: although the authenticity of the documents themselves remain in question, it now appears, that my subsequent on-air apology for that segment, purportedly written by me… was itself… almost certainly… a fraudulent document. Or, at the very least, insincere. In the opinion of experts, who have examined the actual script of the apology, it was typed on a Dell computer, using WordPerfect, and, therefore, could not have come from my iBook, which uses Microsoft Word. In addition, the same experts have pointed out that phrases such as “I accept full responsibility”, “I deeply regret the error”… simply do not sound like me.

In addition, statements which I made in the same broadcast, concerning the enormous popularity of the CBS Evening News with Dan Rather, may be factually incorrect, as they were based on Nielsen Ratings, which also appear to be fraudulent. It now seems that the CBS News with Dan Rather is not the highest-rated news show on television, and, in fact, regularly finishes behind such programs as “Today in the Ukraine” and “Noticero Telemundo”. While learning this, I don’t mind telling you that I felt as embarrassed as a Vienna Boys Choir soprano at a five-dollar cathouse. And, buddy, that is embarrassed.

And… there’s more. According to investigators, certain details of my official biography, as prepared by the CBS Press Department, now also appear to be inaccurate. I am not, as the press bio states, a native of Texas. Apparently, my birth certificate, upon which I and CBS base this claim, can no longer be considered authentic. We still don’t know for certain, but, at this point, it appears that I was born, raised, and finished high school in Fairlawn, New Jersey, and that my REAL name… is Joel Howard Pincus. If that is the case — AND, at this moment, it appears to be — there is apparently no legitimate reason for me to talk the way I do.

What’s more, despite what my press bio claims, I have never officially been named World’s Greatest Dad. That award, which I thought I won in 1978, now appears to have been a coax, concocted by members of my family. The newspaper that reported the story — The Anytown Daily Bugle — was apparently produced in a joke shop. And the cash prize, which accompanied the award, according to experts, is Monopoly money.

Finally, and on a personal level, most painfully, just hours ago it was made apparent to me that I am not, as I have long believed myself to be, a licensed bikini inspector. As experts have shown, the official bikini inspector license, upon which I base this assertion, is a forgery, and, indeed, no such medical specialty exists. Earlier today, upon first learning this information, I immediately surrendered this document to the proper authorities, and, suffice it to say, the [ makes quotes signs with his fingers ] “friend” who issued me the license, is no longer a friend. [ reveal photo of Andy Rooney ] To the hundreds and hundreds of women I may have wronged, albeit with the best of intentions, I can now only offer my most sincere and heartfelt apologies. I… an deeply… sorry.

For the CBS Evening Fraudulent Document Update… Dan Rather. Good night.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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