Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 9
Leadfoot Cowboy…..Topher Grace
Stink Finger…..Rob Riggle
Whiskey Dick…..Chris Parnell
Fast Lane…..Fred Armisen
[ open on stock footage of 18-wheelers rolling down the interstate, as Title Logo appears ]
Announcer: It’s time for “Trucker Talk”, the sage words of the country’s last true cowboy: the American trucker.[ interchange between truckers as they speak into their CB radios ]
Leadfoot Cowboy: Breaker 1-9, for a radio check.
Stink Finger: This is Stink Finger. You’re comin’ in loud and clear! Who am I talkin’ to?
Leadfoot Cowboy: You got the Leadfoot Cowboy on the line. I’m at the mouth of the Cumberland Pass, lookin’ for 1013. Over.
Stink Finger: Can’t help you with your weather. I’m on your back door, at Mile Marker 2-2-9.
Whiskey Dick: Hey there, Cowboy — Whiskey Dick here. I just blew through there about an hour ago, and you got a bad batch of weather comin’ your way.
Leadfoot Cowboy: Hoo! That’s more bad news I didn’t need to hear.
Whiskey Dick: You’re runnin’ late with your load?
Leadfoot Cowboy: No. Ain’t that.
Whiskey Dick (on radio): What’s the matter, friend?
Leadfoot Cowboy: Ahh, it’s just this, uh — [ shakes his head ] It’s this Brad and Jennifer thing.
Whiskey Dick: [ shakes his head ] That’s a big 10-4. I can’t BELIEVE they broke up! I thought they were gonna make it.
Stink Finger: Negative copy! Come on back! Did I hear you right?!
Leadfoot Cowboy: Where you been, partner? It’s true! Brad and Jennifer broke up!
Stink Finger: Nooo!! I knew they was havin’ problems, but I thought they went down to the Carribbean to works things out?! Hell, I even saw ’em kissin’ on the beach!
Leadfoot Cowboy: Turns out… that was just a goodbye kiss, Stink Finger.
Stink Finger: Awww, that really scrapes my ass! They was GREAT together!
Leadfoot Cowboy: Yeah, I thought they had the goods, too.
Whiskey Dick: I’ll tell you one thing: I like them as individuals, as well as a couple.[ skeeter pops his head out of the bed of Whiskey Dick’s cab ]
Skeeter: Sons of bitches!! If dey can’t make it… what chance do da rest of us have?
Whiskey Dick: My buddy Skeeter’s right — what hope DO the rest of us have?
Stink Finger: Any word on WHY they split up?!
Leadfoot Cowboy: I heard she broke up with him after she saw “Troy”. [ cackles with glee ]
Whiskey Dick: Who the HELL said that?! This isn’t a jokin’ matter! Brad and Jennifer have broken up! For REAL!!
Leadfoot Cowboy: I’m sorry. I giess I’m just tryin’ to mask the pain.
Whiskey Dick: Ah, I shouldn’t have snapped at ya’. We’re all hurtin’. [ holding back the tears ] Oh, damn… I’m gonna cry![ Skeeter passes Kleenex to Whiskey Dick ]
Leadfoot Cowboy: I heard Angelina Jolie had something to do with that break-up, too.
Whiskey Dick: Well, don’t that take the cake? I’d like to break that boy in HALF, if he cheated on her!
Leadfoot Cowboy: I don’t get how he could ever get tired of swappin’ spit with that little honey.
Stink Finger: [ excited ] Did you see him in “Thlema & Louise”? He was shirtless and wearin’ a cowboy hat![ cut to each of the other three truckers, as they share a look of bewilderment ]
Leadfoot Cowboy: Come back. I was talkin’ about Jennifer.
Stink Finger: [ shrugs ] She’s pretty cute.
Leadfoot Cowboy: It’s gonna be rough for them two. Papparazzi’s gonna be all over ’em.
Whiskey Dick: It was hard enough breakin’ up… let alone doin’ it in front of the whole world.
Stink Finger: I still can’t believe he broke her heart by CHEATIN’!
Leadfoot Cowboy: She broke his heart by not wantin’ KIDS!!
Whiskey Dick: We may never know what happened!
Skeeter: This is a quand-a-ry for tha’ ag-es!
Fast Lane (on radio): I’ve been listening to your conversation… and I just want to say: you don’t even know these people! You’ve never met them!
Stink Finger: Who the HELL said THAT?![ cut to Fast Lane sitting in his basement ]
Fast Lane: This is Fast Lane, blasting out from my HOME BASE!
Leadfoot Cowboy: Well, boy! You shouldn’t interrupt TRUCKERS when they’re talkin’ serious TRUCKIN’ business!
Fast Lane: You’re gossiping about people you don’t even KNOW! You’re as bad as the papparazzi!
Whiskey Dick: You got a valid point, Fast Lane. Hmm. [ soft piano music plays ] We complain about how much the press invades these people’s life… yet we still want to know what went wrong in their relationship. Maybe it’s us. We put too much pressure on them. You’ve taught us a lesson. What’s your 20, good buddy?
Fast Lane: I’m at 2211 Dunbar Lane, in Wheeling, West Virginia.
Whiskey Dick: Did you boys get that address?
Leadfoot Cowboy: [ smiling ] That’s a copy!
Stink Finger: [ eagerly ] Roger that![ cut to prop footage of three 18-wheelers coming from three different directions to ram into a suburban house and burst it into flames ]
Announcer: Next week… on “Trucker Talk”:
Stink Finger: [ into his CB radio ] Did you hear that Federline won’t let Britney buy no more clothes?
Voice on Radio: Nooooo!!
Stink Finger: No, it’s TRUE!![ cut to approaching 18-wheeler, as Title Logo appears ]
Announcer: This has been “Trucker Talk”.[ fade ]