SNL Transcripts: Topher Grace: 01/15/05: Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 9

04i: Topher Grace / The Killers

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Cliff Huxtable…..Kenan Thompson
Clair Huxtable…..Maya Rudolph

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: Hello, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

Last night on “20/20,” Barbara Walters interviewed President Bush and his wife at the White House on the eve of his second inauguration, and like all of her interviews, Walters did not shy away from the difficult questions.

Barbara Walters: Are you a cat person or a dog person?

Tina Fey: [laughing] Are you a cat person or a dog person!

Of course, with President Bush, the questions don’t need to be difficult to seem difficult.

[more video]

Barbara Walters: What three words most describe your state of mind?

President George W. Bush: [pensive] Excited…hopeful…and appreciative.

Tina Fey: You know he wanted to say “9/11,” but he couldn’t figure out how many words that was.

Amy Poehler: Also this week, the press had a field day when Prince Harry attended a costume party wearing a Nazi uniform. The headline of Britain’s newspaper The Sun was “Harry the Nazi,” the New York Post headline was “Royal Nazi,” while the Aryan News went with “Lookin’ Good!”

Tina Fey: Now while news organizations around the world devoted hours to discussing the photo of Prince Harry and his Nazi costume, we here at “Weekend Update” have obtained a videotape of the event from a young woman in London who attended the party, named Alison Jackson. Now this is pretty damning stuff, but take a look.

Amy Poehler V/O: Oh boy. Oh!

Tina Fey V/O: What party is this?

Amy Poehler V/O: A really inappropriate costume party.

[Another man dressed as a Klan member shakes Harry’s hand. His mask is removed, revealing himself to be Prince William]


Tina Fey V/O: Prince William! That’s not gonna go over well.

[Prince Harry makes out with a woman dressed as Adolf Hitler, complete with mustache. The video ends]

Tina Fey: You know, kids are kids. What are you going to do?

Amy Poehler: You had some bad choices made at that party!

Tina Fey: It’s like every party I ever went to.

[graphic of a torn up Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston photo] In entertainment news, if these two are tired of having sex with each other, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Back to you, Freak Show.

Amy Poehler: On a similar note, I don’t know if you had anything to do with this, but you better watch yourself, Angelina Jolie, OK? ‘Cause you are too sexy to be trusted. You’re a black widow spider, Jolie. OK? Stay away from me and my husbands.

Tina Fey: H- husbands? Plural?

Amy Poehler: Yeah. And don’t think you’re gonna come here, Jolie, with your long legs and your Mohawk baby, and try to steal my fake news “Update” TV wife, ‘cause I will cut you. I will stab you in one of your very sexy tattoos. So watch it.

Tina Fey: Thank you, I feel loved.

Amy Poehler: Yeah! [applause]

Tina Fey: Thank you. Yeah, watch out, Angelina.

Amy Poehler: Watch out!

Tina Fey: This week, Mr. Blackwell released his annual Worst Dressed List. It features Nicolette Sheridan, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Simpson, and several other women Mr. Blackwell would like to be.

Amy Poehler: This week, the nation’s top food manufacturers announced they will start trying to appeal to parents worried about their children’s weight. Some of the new items include Hershey’s Syrup enriched with calcium, reduced-sugar Cocoa Puffs, and exercise-flavored pizza.

Tina Fey: Homeland Security director Tom Ridge announced this week a new program at JFK Airport that would use high-tech eye scanners to speed pre-registered passengers through security and customs checkpoints. Passengers will place their eye on the scanner, and then wait for an automated voice to say, “Yo, look straight ahead. How you expect me to see yo’ nasty-lookin’ eyeball if you don’t look straight ahead? You deaf o’ somethin,’ dang!”

Amy Poehler: Boy!

A German brothel owner has announced that she’s donating part of her earnings from clients to the tsunami relief efforts. It’s in keeping with her philosophy, “Think global, screw local.”

Tina Fey: It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all twelve of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, “If this is what it takes to win, it’s not worth it.” [some applause]

Laura Howard, a Connecticut woman who was artificially inseminated with the wrong semen, gave birth this week to a beautiful, healthy litter of cocker spaniels.


Amy Poehler: Very adorable, adorable children.

A new state-of-the-art body-mapping system called BodyMetrics is being used to help designers create the perfect-fitting pair of jeans. They’re called sweatpants.

According to a new poll, 68% of frequent fliers do not want the federal government to lift the ban on in-flight cell phone use. The other 32% said, [mimics talking on a phone] “Ha ha, what? Ha ha ha, hilarious…I know, I know, hold on.” [to the camera] “What??”

Tina Fey: In honor of Martin Luther King Day, we at “Weekend Update” are recognizing positive role models in the African-American community, so please welcome Cliff and Clair Huxtable.

[pan to Cliff and Clair; applause]

Clair Huxtable: Good evening, Tina. Good evening…Amy Poehler.

Cliff Huxtable: Why am I not napping?

Clair Huxtable: Let me begin by saying it is is—it is a distinct pleasure for Cliff and I to be here tonight.

Tina Fey: Well it’s, uh, it’s a pleasure for us to have you. You two are such an inspiration. You’ve raised a beautiful and well-adjusted family.

Clair Huxtable: Yes. Well, you know there’s Rudy and Vanessa, Theo, Denise, and my eldest daughter Sondra—

Cliff Huxtable: Well no wonder I’m tired! We got so many children, we should be living in a shoe.

Clair Huxtable: Well, Sondra and Elvin had the twins, Woody and Nelson, but they moved out, unlike Denise and Martin, who came back from Africa with the sweet little Olivia and moved right back in.

Cliff Huxtable: Did any of these people ever pay rent? You know, the thing where you give money for the food, and the lodgings, and the turning-on of the heat, and the lights.

Clair Huxtable: Oh, Cliff! [pats Cliff on the arm]

Tina Fey: Now, what do you think are the most important values you passed on to your children?

Clair Huxtable: Well, Cliff and I have always taught our children—[Cliff bends down to adjust his chair] You all right, Cliff?

Cliff Huxtable: Yeah, I’m sorry. Pardon me.

Clair Huxtable: [smiling] We’ve always taught our children to have a kind heart, and a strong, strong mind. Isn’t that right?

Cliff Huxtable: Maybe we should’ve taught them how to pay their own rent! With the putting the pen to the checkbook, and the writing of the numerals, and the zeroes. [Cliff groans. Clair pats him on the shoulder again. Some applause]

Tina Fey: How do you two manage to juggle family along with your stressful careers?

Clair Huxtable: Well as you know, Cliff is an obstetrician, and I, Clair Huxtable, am an attorney at law. A partner, no less. It wasn’t always a walk in the park.

Amy Poehler: I bet, I bet. Was there ever a moment when you thought you couldn’t do it all?

Clair Huxtable: Let me tell you something, Mrs. Amy Poehler. Don’t you ever, ever

Cliff Huxtable: Uh oh, there she goes!

Clair Huxtable: EVER, tell a woman who and what she can and cannot be, [speaks more rapidly] because a woman is a powerful creature who can be whatever, whenever, and whomever she pleases, whether it is a doctor, a lawyer, an astronaut, a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker, even the President of these United States!

Cliff Huxtable: Tina, could you just reach back there and pop out her batteries?

Clair Huxtable: So, Miss Amy Poehler, you are goin’ to march your little backside right up those stairs, and I don’t wanna see your sad, sorry little face, until you’ve thought long and hard about what you’ve done.

Amy Poehler: Mar- what stairs?

Clair Huxtable: And, I celebrate you, Miss Elizabeth Stamatina Fey, a proud, African-American woman who has proven that young, white males aren’t the only ones who can deliver the funny news, and deliver it well.

Tina Fey: Oh… thanks?

Clair Huxtable: [looks longingly at Cliff] Now come on, Cliff…I need some help in the…kitchen…stirring the…jambalaya.

Cliff Huxtable: Oh, I like the stirring of the hot and spicy jambalaya! And licking of the spoon, [kisses Clair on the hand] and the kissing of the neck, [stands and kisses Clair] and the rubbing of the feet. [kisses Clair on the hand again. Salsa music begins to play]

Tina Fey: Oh, the Huxtables, everybody!

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[Applause. The Huxtables dance while Amy and Tina move in their seats. Fade]

Transcribed by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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